You don’t kiss someone the way he kissed me unless there is something there.
If I know why he won’t admit it, maybe we’ll stand a chance.
“Why? Tell me why?” I demand, my brow furrowing.
“I just . . . can’t,” he says, so I roll my eyes and turn away, but his arms slip around me and I freeze. They anchor me to him as his chest presses against my back. One hand clutches my chest, the other my waist. “You have no idea how I wish I could be what you need and want, but this is for the best. I’m not doing it for me, baby, but for you. You’ll understand one day. I want you to be happy, Mackie, even if it means watching you move on with someone else.”
I stiffen, and he sighs, pressing his head to mine for a moment as his warmth seeps into me. “Conan is a good man. Evan says so. I hope he makes you happy. I really do. If he ever hurts you, let me know and I’ll handle him.”
“Why?” I beg, my heart aching. How many times is this man going to push me away? How many times am I going to let him break my heart?
“Because I couldn’t bear to see you hurt,” he replies, his voice hushed, and now his embrace feels more like a trap than protection.
Turning in his arms, I look up at him, knowing my eyes are filled with tears. I’m a masochist, lingering here just to feel him one more time. His words, though, hurt more than any touch of his ever could. “You can’t stand to see me hurt, yet you keep hurting me. How does that make sense?”
He flinches, but I don’t take it back.
“It’s different.” He steps away from me, his fingers lingering on my skin before tightening into fists at his sides. Gone is the man I kissed. Gone is the man who chased and held me. There are two Noahs, and I never know which one is real. I can’t figure out why he keeps pushing me away, saying it’s for the best, but if I back down now, this will be the end of it, so I step forward.
“How? How is it different? You know how I feel about you.”
“Mackie,” he warns.
“No,” I snap, and his eyes widen. “Does me not saying it make it less true? Does it make it easier? For you, maybe, but not for me. It’s eating me up. You’re all I think about every single fucking day and it kills me. Every time you dismiss me, every time you walk away fromme, it tears me up inside, and what? You don’t want to talk about it? Tough shit. You don’t get to hide from everything. Saying I should move on doesn’t make you a hero or a martyr, Noah. It makes you an asshole. You’re making decisions for me without asking me. You’re dismissing my feelings like they have no value.”
“I’m trying to protect you!” he yells, his eyes flaming. He’s so beautiful, but it only hurts now. “Can’t you see that? I’ve always tried to protect you.”
“I don’t need you to protect me. I need you to stop pushing me away and lying to me. I need you to tell me the truth, because I’m going fucking crazy!” I admit before I take a deep breath and try to rein in my shouting. “Every time I walk away, you drag me back in, and it isn’t fair.” A sob escapes, and I see tears brimming in his eyes. Noah closes the distance between us and pulls me into his arms. I fight him, but he continues to hold me.
“I know. I’m sorry.” He repeats it until I stop struggling, my fists on his chest, and it’s like everything in me finally notices. He might be holding me, but he still won’t give in to me.
He will never give us what we want, and I’m tired of being the only one fighting for this.
“You will never give me a chance, will you? You’ll never be brave enough to face whatever this is.”
He startles, holding me tighter for a moment, and my heart soars. “It’s for the best.” Everything comes crashing down, and I hear the finality in his voice.
I’m such an idiot.
I won’t keep fighting for something that’s already dead. Love shouldn’t hurt like this. It shouldn’t come with constraints. It’s not a game of tug-of-war. It shouldn’t leave bruises, but it does, and I’m tired.
I want to be happy. I want someone to love me. I want to know where I stand with the person I like and feel safe and secure.
How many times have I told myself I’m done with him? Too many to count, but this time, I mean it.
I step back, and his hands drop, balling at his sides as if he’s stopping himself from reaching for me. “Baby, I?—”
“Fine,” I interrupt, swiping my hand through my hair to control my anger. “Fine, have it your way, Noah. Just don’t come back to me when you regret it. Remember this moment right here. You could have had everything, but you were too fucking scared to take it.” I turn on my heel and stalk away.
I finally let the tears fall as the last dregs of my hope fall with them.
I skipped work. It’s the first time I have ever done that, but I couldn’t face Noah today, and since he doesn’t call, I’m assuming he’s covering for me. It’s all I’ll ever get from him, and right now, I don’t care.
I want to be alone.
I turned my phone off after the tenth call from Skylar, not ready to talk to anyone. If I do, I might scream or cry. Everything is shattering around me and I feel lost. Noah has been my anchor for a long time, and now that I’ve let him go, I don’t know where it leaves me.
Everything feels wrong, distant, and overwhelming.
