That touch, that show of support and encouragement was everything Desmond had ever wanted from a partner and more. He twisted his hand so he could interlock his fingers with Javier’s. The two of them just stared at each other for a moment, both looking ridiculous and dreamy. But underneath Desmond’s soppy exterior, his heart pounded hard against his ribs.
He didn’t deserve any of this. Not one ounce.
“You see,” he tried, “the thing is….” He was too arrested by the warmth in Javier’s eyes to continue. His imagination conjured up visions of Javier’s flirty smile turning into a look of disgust and horror when he confessed that not only should he not receive an ethics award because he’d engaged in illegal behavior, but that he’d been sleeping with the man he’d shared inside information withandhis boyfriend at the time.
“I know it violates the conditions of our arrangement, but I was hoping you’d be my date to the awards dinner and ceremony on Friday,” he blurted out in the end, taking things in exactly the opposite direction he’d intended to.
Javier’s answering smile was dazzling. “I would like nothing more than to stand by your side at that awards dinner,” he said, his voice like a warm embrace.
“Um, good, then,” Desmond said, mortified that he’d chickened out of telling the truth and making both himself and their relationship more real.
“You’re going to have to let me dress you for this event,” Javier said at once, almost as if he’d given the matter a lot of thought in advance. Of course, he’d known about the award almost as long as Desmond had known, so he probably had been thinking about it. “At this point, I’m intimately familiar with the contents of your wardrobe, and I can safely say that we need to go shopping this weekend to prepare.”
“I have no objection to shopping with you,” Desmond said with a smile that he hoped didn’t look fake. He really would like to go shopping with Javier. He’d like to do anything and everything out in public with the man he was more in love with than he wanted to admit to. And maybe if they spent the day on Oxford Street or in Harrod’s, he’d work up the nerve to tell Javier all the reasons he shouldn’t be receiving an ethics award in the first place.
Desmond did not tellJavier the whole story during their shopping trip. He didn’t tell him as Javier whisked him around to half a dozen high-end shops and tailors, outfitting him in the perfect suit. He didn’t tell him over supper, which they ate out at a Michelin-starred restaurant, in full view of anyone and everyone in a way that made it clear the two of them were together. He didn’t say a word in bed that night, as Javier pounded him into the mattress and rocked his world, or on Sunday morning, when he did it again.
He didn’t come clean before Javier left for his own place Sunday afternoon, and he failed miserably at every attempt he almost made to text Javier during the week to let him know everything was a lie and he wasn’t the upstanding and moral hero the entire financial world seemed to suddenly think he was.
He didn’t say anything, because every time he found an opening to broach the subject, all he could imagine was Javier’s disappointment and the way he would back away and leave Desmond in disgust.
“You want me to tie that for you, babydoll?” Javier asked on Friday evening, as the two of them got ready for the awards dinner at Desmond’s house.
“Er, sure,” Desmond said, handing over his tie.
Javier stepped close, looping his arms around Desmond’s neck, settling the tie, then tying it in a perfect bow. “If I haven’t mentioned it already,” he said in a soft, sensual voice, fire in his eyes, “I’m so proud of you.”
Desmond melted, but not entirely in good ways. “Thank you,” he said, leaning his cheek into Javier’s large, capable hand when he touched Desmond’s face. Those simple touches and the way Javier was so open and affectionate with him were more precious than any award or all the zeroes in his bank account. “That means a lot to me,” he finished, voice rough.
Javier blinked his beautiful eyes at him and tilted his head to the side with a look of concern. “You sure you’re okay?”
Desmond took a deep breath, held it, and told himself now was the time to confess all. But he couldn’t do it. He blew out the breath and instead said, “I’m not particularly keen on public speaking, and I’m expected to make a bit of a speech tonight.”
“You’re going to do great,” Javier assured him, taking his face in both hands, studying him, then leaning in for a kiss. “If it’s that bad, just look at me the whole time you’re talking up there and pretend you’re thanking me and me alone.”
Desmond smiled and lowered his head as much as he could with Javier holding it. “I probably will,” he said.
The moment of sweetness was brief. As soon as they left the house and had Hassan pick them up to drive them to the event, every one of Desmond’s apprehensions returned in full force.
“Don’t look so nervous,” Hassan told him with a cheeky grin as he held the limo door in front of the hotel where the Peabody Honors were taking place. “I can’t think of anyone who deserves this award more.”
Desmond tried to smile and thank his friend, but deep down, he couldn’t help but feel like he was about to disappoint yet another person he actually liked and cared about.
He was a mess by the time they walked into the overly loud, garishly decorated hotel ballroom where the dinner was taking place. It was a nightmare from the start with everyone wanting to seek him out and talk to him, about the award, about the Hongyuan Nanjing deal, and once they got a look at him, about Javier and who he was.
“Just remember that these people all want you to succeed,” Javier reminded him at one point, when they broke away from the mingling to fetch champagne and appetizers. “It’s obvious just how much people in here respect you.”
“Is it?” Desmond asked, even more weight of expectation piling on his shoulders.
“You don’t think so?” Javier asked, sending him a curious look.
Instead of answering, Desmond took a long drink from his champagne flute.
The alcohol didn’t help. Neither did the fact that as soon as he and Javier went back to mingling, none other than Angus McTavish broke away from his conversation with a few of London’s most celebrated financial executives to join them.
“If it isn’t the man of the hour,” Angus said, raising his own champagne flute in salute. He glanced to Javier and said, “You’re lucky to be here on the arm of London’s current brightest light.”
Javier’s smile tightened, and after everything that had been said at Kew Gardens, Desmond could guess why.
