I couldn’t come across as a horn-dog.I was after more than that.Godwin said talk.So I would talk.
He turned toward me and nudged me with his foot.“What are you doing here?”
“Come on, Godwin.”I grabbed the foot and squeezed it.“You have to know how much I like you.More than anyone.I want more than fooling around.”
Godwin leaned back on the couch, face tilted toward the ceiling.“I don’t know if I can do this.You’re killing me.”
“No, I’m not.”I rubbed his foot.“The way I see it, we have stuff in common, we get along, and we’re great in bed.”
“Surely, you can’t be serious.”
I laughed.“I am, and don’t call me Shirley.”
“Did you just quoteAirplane?”
“You started it.”
We both laughed.It felt good with the tension broken, but there was still a lot to unpack here.“Godwin,” I huffed.“I know I can be goofy, but it’s because I need fun in my life.My childhood was too, I don’t know, too staunch, dire.Or at least, it felt that way.I told you how poor we were, and I had a learning disability.They didn’t know what exactly, but I had a hard time with numbers and shapes.I’m bad at science.I was okay enough with English to push through, but for a long time, I didn’t think I’d be able to be anything, doanything.I’d never make my momma proud.Never be able to get us out of the East side.Never be anything but a dirt-poor, uneducated redneck.”
“I know that.”
“So now that I’ve overcome that, I need to be happy.You bring me a lot of joy, my friend, and I’m so not willing to give that up.”I shook my head.He had to understand I wouldn’t walk away so easily.
Godwin pursed his lips, making me want to smooth them out with a kiss, but I held back.I waited.Finally, he said, “I could have done with a little more help in school.Help that didn’t involve getting drunk and having the teacher suck me off.Maybe I would have stuck it out.”He shrugged, but his face relaxed.“The only thing I’ve managed to accomplish is running my dad’s business.”
“That’s no small feat, Godwin.You not only kept it going, but you’ve also improved it.I can see that.Anyone can.”
Godwin looked away and cleared his throat.“Uh...you want a drink or something?”
“Water?”
“Sure.Be right back.”He scrambled into the kitchen, where I could hear him getting drinks together.
He returned before I had enough time to think about what I wanted to say.So I asked him what he wanted to do.“I mean really,reallywant to do.If you could do anything at all.”I spread my hands wide, hoping he’d understand that I was encompassing the entire world.
“That’s easy.I want to be an architect.”He took a sip of water.
“I should have known.With the matchstick houses and all.Are they kits, or did you design them?”
“The first few were kits, but then I designed the rest,” Godwin admitted.“I actually sold a few of the design plans I perfected online.Yeah.I want two things out of life, Derby.To be an architect and to have a family.I want to be a dad to some kids like my dad was.I want— It doesn’t matter.Right now.I doubt I’ll have any of it.”
“Why not?It’s all right in front of you.Just do it.”
“What are you a Nike commercial now?”He shook his head and stared down at his drink.“I can’t.I have this business to run.People are counting on me.I don’t have time to go back to school.”
I didn’t know what else to say to him.If I could give him everything he wanted, I would, but there were some things money couldn’t buy, and if he wanted to make it happen, he had to do it himself.That much I knew.But...”You should follow your dreams.Any way you can.”I put my drink on the coffee table, not having drunk any of it, then stood.“I only have the now.You know?I’m going to play baseball as long as I can.And enjoy it.Then what?I don’t have any dreams outside of sports.I only know I want more, a family of my own.Something that’s going to last, I think we could have that together.”
Godwin stood and crossed his arms awkwardly.“I don’t know.”
“You don’t have to know.Think about it, though.”
“Are you talking about my dreams or us?”
“Both.”
We stood there staring at each other.I wanted him so much, but I wasn’t going to keep begging him.This wasn’t hot sex on the floor.This was life.“I, uh, I’ll be around tomorrow morning, but I have a flight later in the day.”
“I know.I have your schedule.”He gave me a shy smile that felt a lot like hope, but then he showed me to the door.
