"Why didn't you ever tell me your brother was in jail?" I asked, and I wasn't asking it mean or rude. I was asking it confused.Like I was trying to understand the man I'd married and why this part of his life had been private.
He was quiet for a moment, still driving, still staring at the road ahead.
"Some things don't need to be explained or spoke on," he said finally. "He'll be home soon. That's all you need to know right now."
He squeezed my hand and pulled it toward him, resting it on his leg. Then his whole demeanor shifted again. His mind was going a million miles an hour and I could see that. His grip tightened and I felt something dangerous move through him.
"That look on your face in that hospital hallway," he said, his voice getting colder. "The way your father was able to get to you like that, in just a few minutes of me being away from you. It made me want to fuck him up. Bad than a muthafucka. I had to force myself to walk off.”
I could hear the violence in his words. Could hear what he was holding back.
"But I'm trying to refrain right now," he continued. "Because that nigga needs to look his best when he's in front of that judge these next few days. After that though..." He didn't finish the sentence. He didn't need to. The implication hung in the air between us. After Tyree wasn't needed anymore, after the legal system had done what Kaseem needed it to do, Tyree Taylor was a marked man if he didn’t stay away from me, and I knew that’s what Kaseem meant. "I'm not sure what I might do to him."
I didn't say anything. Just held his hand and let him feel me.
Kaseem's voice changed as he spoke into the backseat at his brother. It wasn't angry anymore. It was more of a big brother tone.
"Aye, Namier. You hit your girl up yet to let her know you good?"
There was a pause. A long one.
"Nah," Namier said, and his voice was different from before. Harder. Colder. "Right now I can't be distracted. That ain’t my girl either, and I can't afford to be off my game or slowed down by nobody. We at war, you think I’m worried about checking in with a muthafucka?”
He leaned forward closer to Kaseem’s ear.
"If my brother would have died while I was laid up with a bitch, I'd never forgive myself," he said. "Never. That shit would have haunted me for the rest of my life. So right now, I ain't got time for bullshit or no bad luck ass bitches getting in the way of what I gotta do."
The words hit different coming from him. Usually Namier was joking, laughing, keeping things light. But right now, sitting in this truck after seeing his brother fighting for his life, he wasn't joking about nothing. He was serious. He was angry. He was hurting.
I couldn't help but wonder if he was talking about Nyla. If that moment at the compound, that connection they had, was being pushed away because of guilt and fear. Because his brother almost died while he was with her, that would be fucked up and unfair. She’s really a good girl.
Kaseem didn't respond to Namier. Just kept driving, kept holding my hand, kept his eyes on the road ahead.
But I could feel the weight of it. The weight of brothers who loved each other so much that the thought of losing one of them was unbearable. The weight of a man next to me who would burn the entire city down if anything happened to his blood. The weight of a life I'd stepped into that was so much bigger and heavier than anything I'd ever known.
I squeezed Kaseem's hand and he squeezed back. No words. Just presence. Just letting each other know we were still here and more locked in than I could have imagined. Was I becoming this mean ass niggas peace and safe space?
When we got to their compound, Kaseem took Namier to his house first to drop him off. He walked with him inside to make sure he was straight. Tonight I saw a whole new side of Namier and I was finally understanding how much of a bond these brothers shared. The goofy, funny and playful brother turned out to be a crash-out when it came down to the well being of his brothers. I couldn’t help but respect it. That’s how I always imagined siblings to be.
Kaseem was in the house for ten minutes max, then he came right back out to me. Once we got to his house, he opened my door for me again to let me out the car. We went straight inside to his bedroom without a word being said. I could feel the stress still on him from everything that had transpired tonight.
"I need to stand under some hot water and clear my mind. I’m about to jump in this shower.” he said, his voice tired but still carrying that edge of control. "Get comfortable. I'll be out in a minute.”
He headed toward his bathroom without waiting for a response.
I stood there for a minute. Once I heard that shower start, I was wrestling with myself. He'd been through hell tonight. He probably needed space. Needed time to process seeing his brother laid up in a hospital bed, him getting answers about what went down, dealing with my father. The last thing he probably needed was me invading his space while he reset and cleared his head.
But then I thought about the car ride back here. About how he'd held my hand. About how he'd promised to protect me. About the fact that if I was going to be his wife and stand on my vows, I couldn't just stand on the sidelines when he needed someone. This was some shit no man should be carrying alone. Especially while the woman they would be marrying was here.
I walked to the bathroom door and hesitated. My hand was on the door.
Then I turned the knob and went inside.
The bathroom was already filled with steam. I could see him through the shower door, water running down his body, his head tilted back under the shower head. His shoulders were muscular, scarred in places like he’d had a rough life no matter how rich his family was. His whole frame was what was making my mouth water.
Then he opened his eyes and saw me standing there.
I froze for a second, just looking at him. At all of him. Completely naked and releasing all his stress under that water. I forgot what I was even about to say when I entered.
