Our eyes locked and I felt something damn near electric. I wonder if he’d felt it too.
Without breaking eye contact with him, I started taking my clothes off. I kept my eyes on him the whole time. I started pulling my hoodie off, then my shirt over my head, stepping out of my pants, removing everything until I was standing there naked in front of him.
He froze. His whole body went still watching me. He wasn’t even soaping up anymore.The look he gave me let me know that he loved what he saw. With this man, I wasn’t even nervous or shy like I thought I’d be. Kaseem was just different.
He bit his lip and his eyes said everything his mouth wasn't saying. They said he wanted me. They said he needed me. They said something deeper than just us being in this moment.
After a few seconds that felt like forever, he told me sternly, "Come on, and get in."
He opened the shower door and I walked over and stepped in with him. The hot water hit my skin and I gasped slightly. He pulled me under the spray with him, letting the water fall down over both of us.
As much as I didn’t want my hair getting wet and messed up, I knew after this I would have him paying for my silk press. All I knew in this moment was that this man needed me, and I needed to be there.
We didn't say anything. We both just started moving. He grabbed the washcloth and soap and started washing my body slow and careful. His hands moved across my shoulders, my arms, my back. There was nothing rushed about it. It was deliberate. It was intimate without being sexual.
Then I took the washcloth and washed his chest. Felt the muscles under my hands. Washed his arms, his back. When he turned back around, I worked the shampoo into his hair, my fingers massaging his scalp while he stood there with his head back, eyes closed.
When I rinsed the soap out, he turned back to me and pulled me close. His body was warm and wet against mine. He kissed me and I kissed him back. Not a fake ass kiss either. It was real. Just two people who needed each other to feel solid when life around them was shaky.
We stood like that under the water for a while, holding each other, letting the heat and steam surround us. He held on tight to me and I felt a man that was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders finally able to let some of it off. Even if it was just temporary.
---
Later, we were in bed. The lights were off. Just the two of us in the dark.
He had me laying on my side next to him, his arm around me, his body close.
"Do you feel safe with me?" he asked, and his voice was different. Quieter. More vulnerable than I'd ever heard it.
I knew what he was really asking. He knew the life he lived was dangerous. He knew what came with being married to him. He was asking if I could trust him to keep me from that danger.
"I believe that you'll protect me," I said. "I believe you won't let any harm come my way."
He was silent for a moment.
"But do you feel safe?" he asked again, and this time the question hit different. He wasn't asking if I believed in his protection. He was asking if I actually felt safe. If I could be at peace in this life we were building.
I couldn't answer that. The truth was, I didn't feel completely safe. How could I? I was married to a man who killed people. I was in a world of crime and violence. My father had just betrayed me. My aunt was blackmailing me. Nothing about my life was actually safe. I was actually scared as hell to be honest. Everything I had known has changed in a short time.
I turned to face him and saw the disappointment flash across his face before I could respond. He knew I couldn't answer because the answer was no.
He didn't say anything else. Just pulled me closer to his chest and closed his eyes. I laid feeling his heartbeat, feeling his arms around me, understanding that this was what he could offer. This moment. This closeness. This presence.
It wasn't safety. But it was something. And we were further than we were when the nigga kidnapped me. With time, I hoped that my answer would be yes.
We fell asleep like that - him holding me tight, me holding onto his arm even tighter, both of us trying to find peace in each other when the world around us was falling apart.
—
The next morning the sound of my own moaning woke me up out of my sleep. I thought maybe I was having a wet dream, but the sensation that shot through my body when I opened my eyes was real. This shit felt too damn good. This man was eating me like I’d never been ate before. Immediately out of instinct, my hand grabbed his head near both of his ears. Pulling his whole face in deeper. I rotated my hips and thrust into his mouth while he ate, slurped and fingered me all at the same time.
This nigga was so skilled that whoever had the privilege of getting this treatment before me, I hated that bitch and wished her nothing but the worst in life. I was glad that I had beat his last hoe up.
He spread my legs as far apart as they could go while slurping my clit hard, then spitting on it, then slurping some more. I was squirming and losing my damn mind. For a second I thought I felt my soul leave my body. I could already tell this man was about to have my mind gone. I slept in nothing but his T-shirt last night. Now I know exactly why that was all he gave me for bed.
He wanted early access to me this morning. I mean, a girl could get used to this.
Just as I felt myself about to come, I pushed his head back.
