He thinks I’m buying into all this. He doesn’t know me at all,Kate thought.
‘And I have lots to tell you tomorrow. I’ve finally become macrobiotic!’ he announced.
‘Oh!’
‘I’ve been meaning to do it for ages, and with you away, not trying to lure me out for pizzas and the like, it seemed like a good time to do it. I feel so much better already.’
‘Fantastic!’
Glimpsing her life as it would be if she married Brian – cutting his vegetables intoyinandyangshapes, trying not to transmit seething resentment into the food she cooked and contaminate it with ill will – Kate knew she had made the right decision.
* * *
The sweat lodge was a nightmare. The group were really psyched up about it and kept asking Kate if she had ever been in a sweat lodge before. When Suzanne asked if she had ever ‘experienced a sweat’, she replied disingenuously that there was a sauna at her gym. Suzanne smiled at her pityingly, which Kate supposed was as close as she ever came to rolling her eyes.
At dusk, they trooped out into the grounds to the fetid littletepee, fashioned from branches and twigs, and covered with grungy blankets. After cleansing their auras by smudging themselves with burning sage, the group crawled into the tiny tent and sat cross-legged around a pit in the centre. Brian was the master of ceremonies, heaping hot rocks into the pit, leading incantations and chanting. He was in his element, in full-on shaman mode, like some wannabe Sitting Bull.Come off it!Kate screamed at him in her head. You’re not a fucking Native American. Your father’s a chartered accountant. You grew up in a semi-d in Terenure.
The group seemed to be entering into the spirit of the thing, willing themselves to have a spiritual experience. All Kate was experiencing was extreme discomfort. The intense heat left her gasping for breath, and the ceiling was so low that she had to hunch her head and shoulders so that her neck ached as the ceremony dragged on. She was almost dizzy with hunger, having barely eaten all day. She wondered irritably how on earth this was supposed to improve your relationships – she was ready to kill someone.
Tired, hungry and irritated, she longed for bed.
* * *
But now that she was in bed, she couldn’t sleep. She was too wound up. Her three roommates were snoring their heads off, which at least had given her the opportunity to send Freddie a furtive text message from under the blankets, letting him know she wouldn’t be home. Earlier, when she had whipped out her mobile in Reception, Moon-Face had acted as if she’d produced a hand grenade and was intent on blowing them all into oblivion. Brian had joined in, telling her that mobiles were strictly forbidden.
Giving up on sleep, she decided to go downstairs and read for a while. She crept out of the room, pulling the door closed softly so as not to wake the others. As she stepped out onto the landing, she heard two voices, one male, one female, on the landing above. They were speaking in a low murmur.
‘I wish you could make everyone else go away,’ the girl whispered. There was something distinctly intimate in her tone.
‘You know I can’t do that.’
Recognising Brian’s voice, Kate froze.
‘I just want to be with you.’ The girl sighed.
‘I want to be with you too.’
There were silences between their exchanges that Kate knew instinctively were filled with kisses. She could picture how Brian would be holding the mystery girl, stroking her face, gazing into her eyes. There was a long silence, punctuated by a lot of heavy breathing.
‘I want you so much!’ Brian groaned.
‘I could come to your room,’ the girl said urgently.
‘I don’t want anyone else in the group to know we’re together. It wouldn’t be fair on them.’
‘Don’t worry. I’ll leave before morning. I’m just buzzing and I know I can’t sleep. I guess I’m still on a high from the sweat lodge. I had such an amazing experience in there.’
‘I can tell. You have an incredible energy right now.’
‘And I want to share it withyou!’ the girl squeaked.
This was followed by more panting and groaning.
‘Okay, let’s go to my room,’ Brian said breathily.
Hearing them move, Kate darted back into her room and stood behind the closed door like a burglar fearing discovery. She was in shock, her legs wobbly, her heart pounding. She couldn’t believe what she had heard. And yet, in a way, deep down, she felt she had known this about Brian all along. It wasn’t even as ifit was the first time she had caught him: there had been Suzanne when they’d been on a so-called break and there had been that girl at Tom and Rachel’s wedding.
She stood at the door for what seemed like an age. Finally rousing herself, she crept back to bed. She knew that in the circumstances it was irrational to feel betrayed, but she did. After all, Brian didn’t know that she intended to break up with him. As far as he was concerned, they were engaged – which meant he should be faithful to her. She felt ridiculously hurt, and furious with him – not only for cheating, but for cutting the rug from under her. She knew now, as certainly as if he had told her, that he’d never been faithful. She remembered the adoring faces of the girls in the sweat lodge tonight and it suddenly hit her that he had slept with every one of them.
