‘No,’ she said warily, thinking longingly of the sofa.
‘Well, get your glad rags on and come over to the Shelbourne. We’re celebrating.’
‘Celebrating what?’
‘Carmen and I are getting married!’
‘What?’ She felt winded and leaned against the store window for support.
‘Well, don’t sound so enthusiastic,’ Lorcan laughed.
‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘It’s great news, really, just a surprise. You haven’t known each other long.’
‘Et tu, Brute,’ Lorcan sighed tragically.
‘I’m not criticising, honestly – you know how much I like Carmen. Congratulations, I’m so pleased for you,’ she said, trying to inject a smile into her voice, but her face was anaesthetised. Thank God he couldn’t see her.
‘Thanks.’
She reallywashappy for him – so why did she feel like bursting into tears?
‘Come over whenever you’re ready. We’ll be in the Horseshoe Bar. And bring Freddie.’
As she walked home, weighed down with parcels and a heavy heart, Kate was still wrestling with the tears. What the hell was wrong with her? Why did she feel so gutted by Lorcan’s news? Why couldn’t she just be happy for him? Deep down, she knew. It was because she was jealous – jealous that it wasn’t her. It was just one more thing that conspired with the rest to make her feel lonely and left out.
Oh, snap out of it,she told herself crossly. It’s not as if it’s you or them. There’s plenty to go around. She was tired of feeling sad and hurt, and she didn’t want to become a bitter, dried-up old maid, envious and resentful of other people’s happiness. As she passed Meetinghouse Square, a movie was playing on the big screen and she wandered in to have a look. It wasMeet Me in St Louis, and Judy Garland was singing ‘Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas’, her glorious voice as warm as toast in the chill night air. There were seats dotted around the square in front of the screen, but not many people had braved the cold. A few littlegroups of twos or threes were huddled together in the darkness, some sharing blankets. Kate sank into a chair and dropped her bags, grateful for the rest. There was something so comforting about the cosy familiarity of a film she had seen many times before, and she watched, entranced, as Judy Garland tried to persuade Margaret O’Brien, as fat tears poured from her luminous eyes, that next year all their troubles would be miles away.
You’re not even convincing yourself, Judy,Kate thought, wiping away the tears that were now trickling down her own cheeks. In the anonymity of the dark square, she allowed herself to sob to her heart’s content, deciding it would be cathartic. If she indulged herself now and had a good howl, she might be able to act like something resembling a normal person at Lorcan’s celebration.
* * *
‘Looks like you did well,’ Freddie said, when she came in, indicating her shopping bags.
‘Not bad,’ Kate said, divesting herself of coat, scarf and gloves. ‘I’m still not half finished, though.’
‘You okay?’ he asked, as she sat on the sofa beside him.
‘Fine. God, it’s freezing out there,’ she said, blowing on her hands to warm them.
‘You look like you’ve been crying.’ Freddie eyed her suspiciously.
‘Oh, they were showingMeet Me in St Louisin the square and I stopped to watch. Gets me every time.’
‘Oh, me too. Why don’t you get into your jim-jams and we’ll veg out in front of the TV? Dinner will be mini crab tarts, devils on horseback, goujons of sole and mini quiches,’ Freddie announced, getting up. ‘I hereby declare canapé season well and truly open.’
Broke from buying presents and partying in the run-up to Christmas, Kate and Freddie traditionally survived on leftovers from Kate’s catering jobs, supplemented by ligging at as many drinks parties as they could get into.
‘We can’t do canapé night tonight,’ Kate said regretfully.
‘Oh, are you going out?’
‘Yes, and so are you. Lorcan wants us to go down to the Shelbourne for drinks and dinner.’ She paused, schooling her features. ‘He’s getting married,’ she said.
‘Married!’ Freddie sank onto the sofa again.
‘Mmm. He told me just now.’
‘You don’t seem very happy about it.’
