“What are you talking about?” Hayes turns to face me.
“Clarkson was protected by literal ivy-covered walls. It was a playground, and that’s the way college should be. But as soon as we left it, boom, everything came crashing down around us. This summer was a fantasy of poolside cabanas and pretty hotels, but as soon as we hit reality, the seams of our relationship come apart,” I say.
“Brady, this is reality. You and me. I love you. You have to know that.”
“I do. I love you. But you also pity me, and that hurts too much. You’ve told me how you hate to be anyone’s charity case, and I understand what you mean. I’ve wanted so much to be someone you respect. Someone who earned things based on their merit like you. But you’ve been watching me all summer knowing that none of this was earned. You aren’t the charity case, I am.”
“That’s not true,” Hayes says, punching each word.
“You said you didn’t tell me the truth because you didn’t want to hurt me,” I say, turning the tables on him.
“Of course I don’t.” Hayes shakes his head.
“But don’t you see, that isn’t loving me, that’s managing me like my family does. You’re deciding what I get to know and when because you think I can’t handle it.”
“Brady, please,” Hayes says, and now I think there might be tears in his eyes. “You can handle it. All summer I saw you becoming more confident and independent.”
“But the foundation of that was a lie.”
“No, it wasn’t. That foundation was you. It was us,” he says, but we both know it’s not as easy as that. There is enough doubt at least to pull the brake. Re-think where this is going, or even if this is going. Somewhere deep down I know it has nothing to do with overhearing his conversation with Aisha. That was just the gunpowder to ignite all these feelings I’ve been having that I’m not enough for all this change. I’m not enough for him.
We both sit back down on the edge of the bed. For a moment I think I feel his hand reach across the bed toward me but then he pulls it back. There isn’t anything left to say about us, so I let him know what I’ve decided.
“I’m extending my flight for the wedding.”
“Brady, wait. Can’t we… Please.”
“Yours leaves tomorrow night.” I don’t let him try to convince me to change my mind. It might work and it might spiral into a fight worse than the one in Chicago. Sometimes trying to fix things makes them worse. “I sent you all the information. Go home and get ready for medical school,” I say as I get up and walk toward the door. “I know you’re going to be a great doctor.”
I walk out of the room, making sure a single tear doesn’t drop. But once I’m in the elevator and I hear him running down the hall after me, it’s impossible to stop them.
Chapter 47
Capri
Hayes
“I’m gonna be…” I feel the last Aperol spritz rising in my throat and I swallow hard to keep it from coming up. The hotel bar has pretty green neon lights and the stools have gold cushions that are very comfy. My head feels so heavy it might roll off my neck and across the bar. I take one more sip. “A doctor. A real doctor. And I’m gonna help people. Like us. Gay people. Lots and lots of queer, trans, bi people. Anybody.” I put my head on the bar.
I see Will, or is it Phil, lean over and say something to his husband. Then the blond one, who I think is Will, says, “Are you sure you’re okay? Why don’t we all hang out here until you’re feeling a little more clear-headed?”
“Oh, that’s nice. That’s really, really nice. You are both so nice. But I’m just a little tipsy.” I hold my fingers close with a tiny bit of space between them. “I’m really okay. I’ve only had one, two, three,” I try to hold out a finger for each number but it gets confusing. “Of those yummy drinks that taste like Orange Fanta. So what if I haven’t eaten anything since Brady walked out of the room? So what if I have a ticket to go home tomorrow? Without him! Hey Phil?” I ask the chubbier one. “How long have you two been together again?”
“Twenty-eight years,” The blond one puts his arm around Phil.
It takes me a second to find the right words, but then they come to me. “That’s totally fucking amazing!!! Two. Eight.” I try to hold up my fingers with each number; my fingers aren’t fingering but they get the point. “How did you do it, Phil? What did you do to make him fall in love with you, buddy?” I slap him on the back and he coughs. Maybe it was a bit too hard.
“What makes you think I didn’t do something to him?” Will says.
I put my face to my mouth, or maybe my nose but I cover some part of my hand with face. “OMG. I am so, sorry. I did not mean to offend, my dude.” Uh, oh. Did I just say, “my dude”? I must be shitfaced.
“Hayes, we’re going to make sure you get you up to your room safely,” Will says.
“And you are going to text us in the morning to let us know you are alright.” Phil says something to the bartender and writes numbers on a napkin.
“Okay, okay, okay, but wait. You got to. You got to tell me your secret. I mean you guys have been together since forever. I mean you are so old.”
“Oh, he is lucky this elder gay isn’t gonna rearrange that pretty face,” Will says to Phil, shaking his head.
