Saturday March 25th
Lucy texted me a gif of a bride falling down, stating that there were to be ‘no fucking stairs’ at her wedding. She’s panicking already and they haven’t even discussed a date. It’s exciting, though. I’ve never gotten giddy over weddings, or indeed marriage, but it’s Lucy. I’m giddy for her. She deserves every little smidgen of happiness that comes her way.
Monday March 26th
Mum’s got Facebook. Mum’s profile picture is one of Daphne licking her face, with Dad visible in the reflection in her sunglasses. Mum has all of her posts public, including a photo of me holding Molly the moment she was born. Molly looks cute but I look like that kid at the end of the filmSleepaway Camp. Mum has friend-requested me. Mum can fuck off.
Lucy is now behaving quite nonchalantly about the fact she’s an engaged woman and seems more interested in my sex jar escapades.
‘We haven’t done anymore,’ I confessed. ‘We’ve just been busy.’
‘Ugh,’ she replied. ‘Hurry up and stop being so boring. That’s what got you into this mess. If you stop having sex again, your hole will close up forever and you’ll just pee up inside your own body until you drown.’
‘Jeez, FINE. I’ll get on it. You’re so bossy.’
Tuesday March 28th
So I caved and added Mum on Facebook but I’ve blocked her from seeing most of my stuff and told her that the moment she tags me in a photo, she’s deleted. We’ve also discussed her publically sharing pics of Molly. I don’t want any old nonce happening upon my child’s beautiful face.
Anyway, today was relatively uneventful although Dorothy did have a meeting with a particularly skinny, older gentleman and we all reckon he’s the one who’ll be replacing her. Kelly isn’t happy, or course, not even being considered for the job.
‘Utter bullshit,’ she moaned. ‘I could run this office with my eyes closed. I’ve been here longer than anyone.’
Brian disagreed. ‘Pretty certain Moira the cleaner has been here longer, Kelly.’
‘No, stupid, I meant longer than any of you—’
‘And by that reasoning, I think Moira should apply,’ he continued. ‘Makes sense. She’s well-liked. Team player . . . hides your mug when you leave it for her to wash . . .’
‘Utterly ridiculous,’ she protested. ‘Moira doesn’t know the first thing about . . . she does what?!’
I walked away and left them arguing. I hope when slender man gets the job he fires me immediately. I cannot take any more of this nonsense.
Wednesday March 29th
Molly has a slight cold and fell asleep relatively early, which gave Oliver and I a chance to pick the next request from the jar. I’ll miss it when we finish; it’s been rather fun.
Oliver’s turn this time and I tentatively picked out one of his two remaining pieces of paper, wondering where the fuck he wanted to aim at this time.
I want to watch you masturbate.
‘Um . . . why?!’ I enquired, a tad perturbed.
He bounced on the bed, trying to find a more comfortable position. ‘Are you seriously asking me that?’
‘But how is that fun for you?’
‘Oh, I’ll be playing along. I just want to watch you make yourself cum while I do the same. It’s a simple one – probably better after our last jaunt. I’m not sure my cock could take it.’
‘Can I use toys? You know how long it takes me using my hand these days. It’s a fucking effort.’
He laughed. ‘See, I have no idea, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you do it.’
‘Likewise,’ I replied. ‘You sneak off into the shower . . .’
He bounced back up. ‘Well, there you go. It’s settled. We’ll have a couple’s wank. You can use whatever you want but I want to see everything.’
Thursday March 30th
