‘Ugh, I’m mortified. Is Molly OK?’
‘She’s fine. She’s fucking overjoyed that you hit that woman. Honestly. She thinks you’re the coolest right now.’
I sank on to the couch. ‘Oh God, she’s going to tell her classmates that Mummy punched someone. I’ll need to have a word with her tomorrow.’
Oliver put his arm around me and kissed my sore hand. ‘You worry too much. I am also proud of you. You’re like a fucking lioness protecting her cub. It was sexy as hell.’
I turned to look at him. ‘Are you aroused by this?’
He shook his head. ‘Not by this. By you.’
Marjory’s face wasn’t the only thing that got pounded that night.
Monday November 13th
With Lucy away to Sri Lanka for a fortnight, I already felt lost. Still, I had plenty of free time to secretly study and observe Kelly and Brian and discover whether there were actual romantic shenanigans taking place.
*
3.45 p.m.Brian made Kelly some tea. THIS NEVER HAPPENS. EVER.
I’m writing this shit down like a detective. I will solve this.
Tuesday November 14th
I could justaskBrian and Kelly what the hell is going on but they’d only deny anything and then they’d know I was on to them and be extra sneaky around me. I AM THE ONLY SNEAKY SNEAKER HERE. They have no idea I’m on to them.
*
4.59 p.m.Brian asked everyone what their plans were for tonight. When Kelly said she was having a friend over, he blushed and rubbed the back of his neck because HE IS CLEARLY THE FRIEND. I am going to make myself an evidence board.
Thursday November 16th
The plot thickens – today Kelly remarked that her love of fudge doughnuts was going to make her fat. Now, normally Brian would respond ‘what do you mean,makeyou fat?’ and then they’d have a massive row, but TODAY he said‘Don’t be silly’.
DON’T BE SILLY! I’m now convinced. They are doing it.
I sent Lucy a message to get her thoughts on this. I don’t give a fuck if she’s on her honeymoon, this is important.
Friday November 17th
Text from Lucy at 4 a.m.
OMG THEY ARE SO SHAGGING.
I feel validated in my efforts now.
Saturday November 18th
I received a WhatsApp from Lucy with a photo of her surrounded by mountains, sitting on top of an elephant with her face almost hidden by the floppiest pink sun hat I’ve ever seen. I laughed and sent her back a picture of the rain-soaked street below us, complete with an overflowing trash bag and dog shit.
Monday November 19th
Oliver decided to go and play footie tonight, his first game in ages. I like it when he goes out and does physical stuff that gets his adrenaline pumping. He’s like a sex beast when he comes back. I wish I was more like that; when I do anything physically demanding, I’m ready for the bin.
Tuesday November 21st
Today on Shagging She Wrote, I saw Kelly pass Brian a note and I’ve spent far too long wondering what it said. My top three guesses are:
