‘Me too.’
‘I wish I could say what you need to hear but…’ His voice trails off, causing a lump in my throat. I don’t want to cry. I came to this camp resigned to the fact that love was not in my future, I don’t want to leave thinking the same.
‘See! This is the last thing we need tomorrow,’ I reply, trying to sound upbeat. ‘I don’t want to leave feeling sad. We shouldn’t feel sad! This was exactly as it should have been. And I should go.’
‘So, this is it?’ he asks as I rise and head to the bathroom. ‘You go back to your cabin, leave tomorrow and we pretend like it never happened?’
‘God, no!’ I reply, putting on one of his robes. The more I try not to cry, the higher my voice gets. ‘I won’t pretend it never happened, I just won’t dwell on it, I suppose. Life goes on.’
I’m smiling as I return to the bedroom, but he isn’t even trying to feign happiness.
‘But what if I dwell?’ he asks. ‘What if you never leave my head?’
‘Hmm… lobotomy?’
‘I’m serious. It took me months to feel this comfortable with my wife, but a few days with you and—’
‘No, don’t do that,’ I interrupt. ‘That’s not fair. I won’t be compared. It’s not a competition.’
‘I didn’t mean it like that,’ he responds, pulling the duvet over him. ‘Whatisunfair is you telling me how you feel.’
‘Why?’
‘Because what’s the point of admitting something I can’t do a damn thing about?’
I grab my clothes from the floor and check the time on his phone – 3.33am. ‘I should go.’
‘Wait!’ he says, grabbing my hand. ‘Stay. Sleep here.’
‘Better not,’ I reply, swallowing hard. ‘Difficult? Remember?’
He nods in defeat as I quickly kiss him and say goodbye, cradling my clothes in my arms.
‘See ya, Nora,’ I hear him say as the front door closes behind me. A tiny sob escapes from my throat as I make my way in the dark back to my own cabin, crawling into my own bed. Holding back my tears is pointless, so I don’t even try but after a brief sob, I realise something important. Even though Will couldn’t tell me how he felt, it doesn’t matter because whatever I’m feeling is enough. For once what I feel isn’t inextricably linked to someone else’s validation or rejection. There is no mess to clean up, no promises broken and no hurt feelings to mend.
I realise that I was forty years old when I finally put myself first.
CHAPTER32
‘Leaving already, Nora?’
I’m going to miss Brad’s morning smile, almost as much as I’ve missed Charlie’s.
‘I am!’ I reply, handing my cabin key to Persephone as she prepares the coffee and breakfast sandwich I’ve ordered. ‘Well, soon. Just thought I’d check out while I was grabbing breakfast. Multitasking and all that.’
‘Good thinking,’ he replies. ‘We’re here for another night, then on to London for the next bootcamp.’
‘Well, good luck and thanks, Brad for… well, everything!’ I say. ‘It’s been quite the week.’
I take my breakfast and thank Persephone. She doesn’t care, she’s too busy beaming at Brad.
‘My pleasure,’ Brad replies. ‘You have my email, you better keep in touch, lady! I mean that. You’ve quickly become my new favourite.’ He leans in and hugs me while Persephone’s confused glare burns a hole in my back.
‘You know it,’ I reply. ‘Take care.’
He holds open the door for me as I saunter back to my lodgings, soaking up the view before I return to Edinburgh. As much as I love my city, the beautiful clear, black night skies here have given me a sense of calm that I’ve never experienced before. This is where I found myself again. Where I found Will.
As I reach my cabin, I can’t help but look for Will’s car. It’s still there. He hasn’t left yet. I know we said our goodbyes last night, but it doesn’t stop me wishing for five more minutes. I don’t regret telling him how I felt, I only wish he could have said it back. Or written it in on his stupid bloody notebook. Something. Anything.
