CHAPTER25
Tara had once thought that when two people who knew each other decided to go for a run together that they would run together. Side by side. A camaraderie of sorts, each driving the other on, perhaps chatting to pass the time. And if they didn’t know each other particularly well, this might just be the opportune moment to remedy that. But as she watched Christine speed off into the distance, she realised that she was mistaken.
Well, fuck you too,she thought to herself.I hope you get lost.
AirPods in, she started off at a mild pace, following the GPS route she’d planned for this afternoon. She’d never run the roads around Erin’s house before and she found the beach, while beautiful, to be a more demanding terrain to run on. Sometimes she’d lose her balance running on sand and feel like an idiot.
She cherished her new peach HOKA trainers, a massive step up from her old, worn-out Nikes which had torn up her feet and facilitated too many sprained ankles. Aiden had suggested she get them. He’d been running far longer than she had and he knew his stuff, in fact, it was Aiden who’d introduced her to running. She’d been resistant at first.
‘It releases endorphins. Makes you feel good.’
‘That’s nice. Do you know what else makes me feel good? Sitting down. Netflix. Being indoors where—’
‘Tara. Just try it. Your K-dramas aren’t going anywhere.’
The first time she ran, she threw up. The second time, she threw up again but not quite so much. Four months later and there wasn’t even a hint of nausea, well, except for that time she ran through a massive dogshit and nearly had to set fire to her shoes there and then. But Aiden was right – about the running at least. Netflix removed three of her shows before she could finish them.
Tara usually had a running playlist, something upbeat and bass-driven to keep pushing her on. Today however, she was running along country roads and had to keep her wits about her. She didn’t want to end up face-first in a ditch or under a car. So far it had been spectacularly quiet. Peaceful. She’d known that Erin’s house was remote, but this really gave her a sense of just how isolated it was. Just fields and trees and the odd sheep that had wandered too far. As she came around a bend, she passed a group of birds feasting on some roadkill. Charming. Maybe she didn’t like the countryside as much as she thought.
Two miles in and she was hitting her stride. It gave her time to be alone with her thoughts, which for the most part involved her beating herself up or over analysing everything until nothing made sense.
She sighed. If empowerment group had taught her anything, it was that she really didn’t know herself at all. She wasn’t sure if she ever did. She had struggled her entire life with her identity, fighting against her mother’s perception of what she should be. Eventually, she had no idea which version ofscrew youaimed at her mother, was actually her.
She hid it well though. To her friends she’d appear impulsive and confident, a free spirit. In reality, she was horribly insecure, surrounded by people who annoyingly seemed to have it all figured out: Erin, with her composed drive and focus; Beth, taking charge of everything around her; Becky, happily floating on a cloud above the rest of them; and Alex, a kind and beautiful soul, no matter what life threw at her.
And then there was Aiden. The first real connection she’d made after rehab.
Aiden’s really great. An absolute treasure.
Not everyone you date has to like everything you do, Tara. So, what if he doesn’t enjoy techno music, it’s no biggie. Or clubbing… or the dance tent at that festival you went to (the only reason you went) and instead watched bloody men in beards play guitars and sound like every other male beardy guitar group.
And sure, maybe he’s not the type to get tattoos on a whim, or be an absolute freak in bed, but that’s the reason you chose him. Because he wasn’t any of that. Stable, remember? Aiden is your rock. Your confidant. He’s your pal.
However, as she ran, the thoughts did not dissipate. That something was missing.Don’t you screw this up like you’ve screwed up everything else. The grass isn’t always greener, Tara, sometimes it’s just more grass.
