I met her boyfriend Antonio last year at our Christmas night out. A tall, attractive air traffic controller, originally from Australia. They’ve been dating for three years but so far Eesha’s arachnophobia has kept her from visiting Down Under.
They are the size of dinner plates, and they will kill you. And don’t get me started on the crocodiles. How that country has any inhabitants is a mystery.
‘I’m really happy for you,’ I tell her. ‘Gorgeous ring! Very exciting.’
As she squeals again, the phone starts ringing. I nod for her to go ahead and answer it, continuing to my desk. I tell myself not to dwell on the fact that yet another person I know is engaged, instead focusing on Eesha, and how delighted she is. At least if there’s an engagement party, I’ll get an invite along with all her fellow twentysomething friends.
As I get to my desk, I find Kieran eating a bacon roll over a Greggs paper bag. Dammit. I place my juice on the table and try not to sniff the delicious air. Shelley sweeps past me, carrying coffee on her way to Rupert’s office.
‘Morning,’ I say, opening my laptop. ‘Who’s on doughnuts this morning? I’m starving.’
‘Susan,’ he replies through a mouth full of bacon. ‘But she’s sick and working from home.’
‘Shit, really?’ I grumble. ‘That’s disappointing. Perhaps some kind person will go out and get some, if I stare at them long enough.’
‘Maybe.’
I stare at Kieran until he notices.
‘Nope. Sorry,’ he replies. ‘I have a shitload to do for this new Evian campaign, and the content for your dating app. I do not want to risk seeing or hearing from Eddie at any point this week.’
Likewise, I think, wincing. Our next meeting is going to be awkward as hell. Apparently, the last book he read was no book at all because he’s too busy being a pretentious bore.
‘Fine,’ I grumble. ‘I’ll just order some in and hope that the Deliveroo driver doesn’t drop them again.’
From Rupert’s office we hear Shelley laugh like a banshee. Kieran rolls his eyes. ‘God, she’s so annoying,’ he mumbles.
‘Did you have a good weekend?’ I ask, opening my orange juice. It’s not as chilled as when I bought it, but the sugar hit is definitely needed.
‘It wasn’t bad,’ he affirms. ‘Bite to eat at Nando’s, then met up with Charlotte to see2:22 A Ghost Story. It was pretty good. Have you seen it?’
‘NO! And do not tell me a thing about it!’ I insist. ‘I have tickets for October.’
‘The twist is great,’ he says. ‘When that first spooky nun appears. . . man, it’s terrifying.’
‘Kieran, if you’re not kidding, I swear they will never find your body.’
He sniggers and takes the last bite of his bacon roll, little crumbs of bread settling on his beard.
‘What did you do then?’ he asks, while I point to his facial hair debris. He begins to brush the crumbs from his beard onto his T-shirt.
Well, Kieran, I decided to sit in front of men and judge them based on appearance and a few minutes of awkward conversation.
‘I bought Percy Pigs and bingedKilling Eveseason two,’ I reply. ‘Pretty boring weekend. . . Fuck, I’m boring myself even saying that.’
‘Doesn’t soundthatboring,’ Kieran reassures me. ‘Percy Pigs are delicious.’
I’m starting to recognise just what a bloody hermit I’ve become. For me, staying in at the weekend isn’t anything out of the ordinary. I think if I announced to Kieran that I’d been anywhere but in my flat, he would collapse in shock. But I’m trying. At least this saying yes malarky will get me out of the house and away from pig-shaped gummies.
Chapter 9
You’ve matched with Sam!
Finally, after swiping right on at least seventeen men who, on face value, looked the least likely to turn me into a skin lampshade, I get a result. Just one. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with my face? Perhaps the fact that it doesn’t belong to a twenty-five-year-old, which seems to be the preferred starting age range for men over forty on here. It’s also a very real possibility that I look like someone who might key your car when you piss me off but I’m not dwelling on that.
Neither mine nor Sam’s Tinder bios are particularly detailed, unlike some which read like a dissertation with footnotes and Harvard-style referencing. It seems we both preferred to keep ours brief.
My bio simply says, ‘I can’t believe I’m doing this sober.’
