She takes a few moments. ‘I worry that people I love are going to get hurt. Like Mum, Dad, you, Yan and Tig.’ She swallows. ‘Get hurt, or die.’
‘Okay, let’s go and sit down.’ I lead her to the living room, and we sit side by side on the sofa.
‘Like last night, I couldn’t go to bed till I knew you were out of the pool.’
‘Hey, it’s not your job to worry about your big sister. It’s my job to worry about you. I mean, the fear’s logical I guess. We had a scary pool incident. But I wasn’t alone. Mark was keeping an eye on me.’
‘Oh God, Mark …’ she wails. ‘I’m worried that …’
‘What?’
‘I’m worried that he’s upset that I called him Granddad earlier and he’ll be so mad, he’s going to crash. And it will be my fault.’
‘Do you often feel that? That something bad will happen and that you’re somehow to blame?’
She nods tearfully. ‘I try not to say the wrong thing, but I slip up. Like yesterday when Yan went to the gym because I teased him about getting a little belly.’
‘And when you’ve had that thought – that you’ve done something to upset someone and they will get hurt as a result –has your therapist talked you through how you should deal with it?’
‘She said I need to look at the evidence – like Yan’s a good driver, he’s never crashed before, so what are the chances now? To not go to the worst-case scenario.’
‘And does that help?’
‘I must be doing it wrong because it works for a while, but then the original fear comes back again.’
This is so much worse than I realised. She’s not going to get better unless someone treats her for what she has. And it’s not simple exam stress.
‘How much time do you lose with these kinds of thoughts?’
‘A lot.’
‘What you’re describing sounds like OCD.’
She makes a face. ‘I’m not tidy all the time or need all my clothes to line up perfectly in my wardrobe.’
‘It’s a common misconception. When people think of OCD, they think of constant hand-washing or checking you’ve locked the door a hundred times. But it’s got many sub-types. And the thing you’re describing sounds like Pure O.
‘Would you be willing to talk to a specialist doctor about it? Because I happen to know Europe’s leading authority on OCD and he owes me a favour. Or, rather his son does –big time– because he slept with another woman when we were dating.’
Pen’s eyes go wide: ‘Rich’s dad?’
I smile. ‘About time something good came of my relationship with him.’
‘I’d feel bad if you get back in touch with Rich because of me.’
‘It’s not a problem, I promise.’ I give her another hug. ‘God, it must be exhausting, you poor thing. How’s your sleep?’
‘Not great, but if I can have naps in the day it helps.’
‘Do you want to have a nap before the party? I can come and lie with you if it helps.’
‘I’ll be okay, Nell. But thank you.’
She heads towards the stairs and then stops. ‘When I said I worry about the people I love, I don’t mean I love Mark. But you do, and I love you.’
I don’t know how to respond to that, so I say nothing.
Chapter 43
