The coarse language shakes Mark’s attention off me and on to Yan, and he lets out a frustrated breath.
‘If it was that simple, I would have taken it up the arse hours ago. What we’re doing is much more painful and prolonged.’
Theo looks on aghast. ‘Language, Mark! There’s a lady present.’
‘Oh, don’t mind me,’ says Yan. Theo’s about to correct him, but Yan isn’t finished. ‘This soundsveryinteresting. If it’s open season on Mark’s tush, I’d like an invitation, please.’
Theo looks even more alarmed, but Mark isn’t fazed.
‘Fine, you’re all invited. Nella, too. I’m sure she’s got a dildo she could bring.’
If he thinks he’s shocked me, he’s wrong. ‘I do, and it’s a monster, so I hope you’ve got lots of lube.’
Theo gasps, no doubt confused about whether he needs to rescue my delicate lady ears from my indelicate lady mouth.
Mark levels his gaze to mine. ‘Took matters into your own hands because your ex was lacking?’
I open my mouth but no words come out and he looks smugly pleased with himself.
‘Oh shit,’ wails Theo. ‘Do you think Tig’s got a monster doo-dah, too?’ He looks at Mark. ‘It’s all right for you, mate, but I can’t compete with a …’ Theo’s got the expression of a man who’s trapped his balls in a car door and has just been told by the rescue workers they’ll have to amputate.
Mark winces and shakes his head.
‘I was joking,’ I tell a worried Theo. ‘I don’t have a … okay, Idohave one, but …’ Mark stares at me with naked fascination, and it’s making me lose my train of thought. ‘It’s normal-sized,’ I finish, before being compelled to add: ‘And Rich is normal-sized, too.’
I cringe.
Normal isnotthe right term, but somehow, ‘average’ sounds so much worse.
‘The point is, sex toys can enhance a relationship; they’re not replacements.’ I take a breath to check myself. ‘Could we maybestoptalking about dildos so you can tell us what you’re doing?’
Mark half-smiles, then looks at Theo. ‘Want to do the honours?’
Theo nods gravely. ‘Sure, but I’m going to have to swear you both to secrecy.’
‘Yes, yes, get on with it,’ says Yan, agog.
‘Mark’s giving me secret dance lessons.’
Yan can’t mask his disappointment. ‘And you need to swear us to secrecy aboutthat?’
‘That’s great!’ I say over-enthusiastically. ‘So you can surprise her at the next salsa night?’
‘No, I’m going to carry on learning salsa with Tig, but I’m going to surprise her at the wedding with a tango.’
‘A tango?’ asks Yan. ‘You’re going to learntwodances in under three weeks?’
‘The Greek tango “Gia Ena Tango” is her favourite song. It will be worth it just to see the look on her face.’
‘That’s really sweet,’ I say, this time meaning it.
‘That’s one way of putting it,’ says Mark. ‘Another is “downright crazy”. The logical option would be to talk to Tig and find a song youbothwant.’
I shake my head. ‘The idea of putting another person’s happiness before your own is completely alien to you.’
Mark looks annoyed by my assessment of him. ‘The idea of learning a brand-new skill in two and a half weeks is the problem here,notthe sentiment.’
I turn to Theo. ‘It’s a beautiful gesture.’
