By now, we could have had a kid… or two. Maybe even three. Who knows. We could have a family, and I would be living averydifferent life from the one I have now.
My heart hardens, turning cold and numb again. It doesn’t help me to dream about things like that. It only deepens the pain and anger inside me.
Why the fuck did she leave like she did? Why the fuck couldn’t she tell me something, anything, to ease the unknown? The hurt? The rejection?
I’ve spent so many nights, some drunk, some sober, trying to figure it all out, but I can’t. How can you get answers when you don’t even know what questions to ask? Maybe shenever loved me? But it felt so real at the time. Maybe it was an elaborate act? Maybe she wanted something from me that she got… then left. Maybe she had feelings for me, but they faded. Maybe she got bored.
The questions could literally drive me insane.
She left. End of story. Stop thinking about it.
But even though the story is over, the pain isn’t.
At home in my penthouse, I pour another whisky and stand at the window overlooking a glittering city. I really wish I could stop thinking about Selene. It would be a relief to block her from my thoughts or to wipe her from my memory. That’s what she did to me. She severed all contact with one phone call, and that was it. She never reached out again. It’s not like my number has changed; she could still call me. And my family is prominent enough in this city that literally anyone could point you to me. But she hasn’t reached out in five years, and sometimes it makes me feel like a fool. Most of the time, actually. A fool because I can’t let her go. She made her choice, but I can’t accept it.
On Saturday morning, I find myself standing in a park surrounded by happy, screaming kids. Not only my family and the Nikolai children, but also a big group of other kids who all came to the park for the same reason this morning. And every single one of them is having the time of their lives.
The sun is already warm, even though it’s early. I have Emma clinging to my arm, looking up at me with those wide, magic-filled eyes. “Pleeeeese, unca Simon?” she grins. I crouch down to her level, narrowing my gaze, knowing I’m being manipulated by a three-year-old.
“If your dad finds out, I will be inbigtrouble,” I warn her. Her eyes shoot wider; she knows she already won.
“Yeth?” she says cautiously. “So, I can?”
I reach out and tuck her fine blonde hair behind her ear. “As long as you don’t tell anyone. Your dad is very scary when he’s angry.”
“My dad neva angry,” she protests, already turning away from me to run towards the picnic baskets. A grin spreads over my face as I watch her try to be sneaky, trying not to let Raya see her as she approaches the stash. But Raya is looking right at her. Then Raya is looking right at me with theSimon, you know, Matvei would never allow thislook.
I shrug, holding my hands out at my side, grinning wider.
Emma shoves her little hand into the basket and pulls out a chocolate bar, then, to my greatest amusement, she ducks behind the picnic basket as though it might hide her from Raya’s stare.
Emma giggles, holding up the chocolate to show me, thinking she is invisible to everyone else.
I walk over to her and scoop her into my arms, lifting her onto my hip while she struggles with the wrapper. “We need to teach you how to be a ninja,” I tell her, taking the chocolate from her to open it.
“I like dinosaurs,” she tells me sternly.
“Ok, but ninjas are important too, and if you want to…” My heart goes cold in my chest. I freeze in place, staring at the woman by the swings. Surely, I’m imagining this. Surely this isn’t real.
Slowly, I lower Emma to the ground. “Go play, angel… I’ll… I…” Emma bolts happily towards Raya, unaware of the tremor in my voice, and I stare forward, ice running through my veins.
Slowly, I stand up again. My body doesn’t feel like my own. My heart is beating so loudly I can’t hear the children playing anymore as the hammer of it thrums in my skull. My chest is tight, and my lungs don’t seem to be taking in air as they should.
My fists clench at my side, my nails digging into my palm as I will myself to wake up from this hallucination.
The woman hasn’t moved; she’s staring at me as wide-eyed as I am staring at her.
Selene.
As beautiful as the last time I saw her five years ago. Thinner, a little older, looking a little tired. But as beautiful as ever… and very, very, very real.
“Selene?” I murmur her name even though she’s too far away to hear me.
Nervously, she takes a step backward, her hand gripping the wrist of the little girl next to her.
My gaze drops, and I notice two children next to her. A boy and a girl, both the same age. Both… both looking almost exactly like I did when I was a toddler.
Their blonde hair catches the sunlight, and their bright caramel-colored eyes stare up at me in wonder. How old are they? Five? They look five… they look like me… they look…
