Easier, but emptier.
‘How are you feeling?’ Rae asked finally.
Martha tugged Gran’s knitted rainbow blanket around her. The August air had cooled all at once, especially as the sun dipped between the hills, painting the heather a dusty pink. ‘I was expecting it.’
‘Doesn’t make it easier, though.’
‘No.’ She leaned her head against Rae, and Rae set down her plate to hold her as she had so many times before. She wished she’d said something more impactful to Denise, or really, just told her to fuck off. She was filled with the same jarring helplessness she’d had when their dad had passed. A need to fix something beyond her reach.
‘You’ll always have a home here,’ she vowed. ‘It isn’t the same, but it’s true. You and Vik are going to have a happy, full life, and the only person missing out will be her if she’s too ignorant to see it.’
‘Aye, I know. Thank you, Rae.’ She pulled away to savour another bite of the food, laughing when Milly pined for a taste. Rae shooed her away, rolling her eyes when it only spurred the dog onto her hind legs so she could beg more effectively.In the end, she was awarded a bit of pasta, and dashed off with her tail wagging triumphantly.
‘I’m pissed off that Struan just up and left,’ Martha admitted after a few moments of quiet. ‘He’s not due in Glasgow until tomorrow, but he couldn’t get out of here quick enough.’
Rae frowned. ‘If you called him, I’m sure he’d come back.’
She shook her head. ‘He already texted me that he’s on the road.’
Rae’s chest strained with that distance now she knew it was there. He was gone. She wouldn’t see him again for weeks. She’d convinced herself they’d needed the space, but now, she felt hollow and alone.
Still, he deserved the breather. He had more to deal with than just her. ‘He’s hurting, too, after what your mum said. Probably just needed space.’
‘I know.’ Martha’s words were suddenly terse, causing Rae to bristle. ‘It’s not the same, though. Mum is disappointed he’s a commitment-phobe, not that he loves the wrong person.’
He hadn’t sounded like a commitment-phobe today. In fact, Rae hadn’t doubted his capacity to care for someone once, since all this had begun. He wasn’t the flaky flirt Martha had always made him out to be. He was steady as the river that ran through the orchard.
She didn’t know how to say that without stirring an argument, so she kept her mouth shut. The truth brimmed in her anyway, climbing up her throat with every fast beat of her heart. She could tell her now, rip off the band aid… but Martha had already been through enough today.Enough that Rae had brushed aside her own hurt from the car ride there, when Martha had all but called her pathetic.
‘And she’s got a point,’ Martha continued. It felt like she was prodding a wound over and over, every word sharp and pointed. ‘At least I’ll have a family, even if it isn’t the one Mum wants for me. At least I take my life seriously.’
Rae set down her plate again, fingers furling into her palms. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t lie, and she couldn’t listen to Martha criticise Struan like being alone somehow meant he – and she – were less than. ‘Do you think that of me, too? That I don’t take my life seriously because I haven’t tried to find a partner?’
‘No. You have your career.’
‘And if I didn’t? Because I’m walking away from it, Martha, and I don’t know how long for. I might never be a chef again. I might stay on this farm for the rest of my life, alone, and I’ll be doing far less important things than rescuing people the way Struan does.’
‘Why are you getting upset?’ Martha questioned, but her voice was low. She already knew the answer.
‘Your mum was out of line today,’ Rae said, ‘but so are you. You’re so unfair to him. You have no idea howgoodhe is.’
‘But you do?’
‘Yes!’ It spilled out before she could stop it. She gulped, folding her arms around herself and picking at a midge bite on her shoulder until she felt the blood under her fingernails. God, she was tired. Of putting people down, of pretending.
It was more than that, though. It was all of it. She found a new, fierce resolve as she met Martha’s gaze. ‘You blamed me for our friendship deteriorating, but it was you, too. You’ve always been so focused on relationships, with Cam and everyone that came after. You act like the rest of us are doing something wrong for prioritising different things. You have no fucking idea how isolating it is to always be the single friend.’ Her voice shook. ‘You have no idea what it’s like to have to adapt our communication every time you date someone else. As soon as you get into a new relationship, I know I won’t hear from you nearly as much. I’m glad that you’re happy, Martha, but you’re lucky. Not all of us have that.’
‘You’ve never eventried,’ she snapped.
‘Because I didn’t want to! I needed to focus on other things, and you’ve always made me feel silly for it! I was terrible for putting my job before you. I was selfish and thoughtless. But when you cancelled our plans to stay at home with Vik or missed calls for days on end because you were in your honeymoon period, that’s okay. When your love life was the only topic of conversation formonths, that was fine, but when I talked about cooking, I was a workaholic. God, even with Cam, I separated myself from her. She wasmyfriend, too!’
Martha glowered, but Rae didn’t want to apologise or take it back this time.
‘I’m not blaming you for focusing on your relationship, but sometimes, the way you treat us is hurtful. Especially because you’re my person, but I’m not always yours. You make me feel like I might never be enough. And the way you patronised me in the car today,in front of Vik and Struan, wasn’t okay. I’m sick of feeling embarrassed about my sex life. We don’t all have, or evenwant, the things you have, and that doesn’t make us broken or incomplete!’
Shaking her head, Martha shredded buttercup petals between her fingernails. ‘I’m not going to apologise for wanting you to find someone, just like I’m not going to apologise for focusing on my relationship with Vik.’
‘I don’t need you to apologise.’ But she didn’t get it. She never would. She’d always had somebody who loved her or at the very least found her desirable. She’d always had a secure job in the field she loved. She’d always known exactly what sort of path she would follow. Not like Rae, who had been winding around the same bend for years, searching for a way out that wouldn’t mean leaving everything behind. Not like Struan, who was content with wherever his own path took him. Who climbed his way over uneven rocks to reach his own peak.
