I shook my head, though I know she couldn’t see it. “It wasn’t the same as Jared,” I said. “I knew she was applying. Hell, I sent her the job listing.”
I couldn’t see Amy’s face, but I could hear the frown in her voice as she responded. “Why the hell would you do that?”
I shrugged. “It was before she and I … well, I’d hoped she would change her mind once we got together.”
“Did you say that to her?” Amy asked, and I didn’t blame her for implying that maybe I hadn’t. I didn’t have the best track record of sticking up for myself.
“Yes. But then…” I hesitated to admit the next part, because I wasn’t proud of it, even if I’d felt it was the only way. “I may have given her an ultimatum.”
“Yikes,” Amy said. “Because ultimatums are always such a good idea.”
I sighed. “If you’re trying to make me feel better, try harder maybe?”
Amy moved to sit next to me so we were shoulder-to-shoulder, dangling her feet off the edge of the deck.
“I’m not trying to make you feel better,” she said. “I don’t think I can do that. But tell me what you said, and what she said back.”
I wasn’t sure what reliving it would achieve, but I took a deep breath, not having to dig very hard to find the memory. I’d been replaying it enough over the last two weeks that it was pretty top-of-mind.
I told Amy what Morgan had said about the job. About how she wasn’t Jared, but that I was stuck, and she wouldn’t let me keep her stuck with me.
“Ouch,” Amy said. “I imagine you didn’t take that well?”
“Not exactly,” I admitted. “I told her if she wanted to be with me so badly, she should be willing to do it even if I didn’t have my shit together.”
Her sharp intake of breath told me Amy didn’t love this.
“You know you’re both the bad guys here, right?”
“Iknow.” I buried my face in my knees again. “I’ve been replaying it in my mind constantly since it happened.”
Amy was silent for a long moment, but then she shook her head. “But like, do you know actually?”
“Excuse me?” I sat up straight.
“I mean, prove that you know what you did wrong. Because I can tell you for free, it wasn’t just the ultimatum.”
I frowned at her. “What are you on about?”
She stood up without saying anything and walked back into the house, and I just gawked after her. Then she walked back out again with the RIBA Journal. I groaned.
“Not the fucking magazineagain, Amy!” I said, then gasped as she chucked it as hard as she could into the pond.
I leaned over the edge to watch as it stayed open to the spread I’d had it on for months now, the page changing colour as it saturated with water, then sank further and further from the surface until I couldn’t see it anymore.
Once it was out of sight, I whirled around to face Amy.
“What the hell was that about?!” I shouted.
“How did that make you feel?” she asked. “Seeing it sink away like that?”
“Fucking fuming!” I said, looking back over to the spot where the magazine had been. I hoped it hadn’t pinned one of the fish or something.
“Good,” Amy said. “Anger. I can work with that. Now what else? Tell me what you feel.”
I felt my jaw tense; she was talking to me like I was a child. But I bit my tongue, quite literally, and exhaled slowly, trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. I closed my eyes and held the image of the magazine hitting the water in my mind.
“Not good,” I said.
