“Hear, hear!” I said. “He’s had so much bad relationship baggage for so long, it’s nice to see him so happy.”
“I suppose you’re the queen of overcoming relationship baggage,” Chloe said, and it took me a moment to realise she was talking to me. I frowned.
“Wait, what? What’s that supposed to mean?” As far as I knew, Phil hadn’t had any long-term relationships to qualify as baggage.
Chloe shrugged. “Just that Phil’s been through the town’s population of eligible women twice over, and that must be hard.”
I didn’t know how to respond. No, it hadn’t been hard, but would it have been if we were actually together? Was it just the pretence of the relationship that kept it from being a problem?
“Everything going okay between you two?” Fatima asked.
“Yeah, great,” I said, but I wasn’t convinced myself. It was all starting to feel very… real. And intense.
If we’d actually been together, I suppose our relationship progress would have been ideal. And maybe that was why I was feeling so confused: because it was progressing like an actual relationship, if a bit fast. But the truth of what it was kept undermining my feelings. I wondered if he was feeling the same, or if he was keeping his emotional distance.
Then Morgan asked for an update on Ethel, and suddenly I had a lot more to say, both because I was grateful for a change of subject, and because I’d become way more involved with Ethel over the summer. I told them about her physio updates, and the arthritis, and how she’d managed to remember the names of some of the crystals I’d given her, and the somewhat sad but ultimately hilarious attempt at a joke she’d made the day before, where she’d ended up calling Phil a bellend, and we still didn’t know what the punchline was supposed to be.
“See, that’s why he loves you,” Chloe said. “Ethel is the most important thing in the world to him, and you clearly care about her.”
I felt myself tense up just the slightest bit, and Chloe caught it instantly, her eyes going wide. “Holy shit, have you two not dropped the L-bomb?”
I tried to play it cool; I hadn’t expected the lore we’d made up about this to actually be needed. “Please, we’ve been together for like five minutes.”
“Uh, yeah, and you’ve beenavoidingbeing together for like fiveyears.”
“Don’t remind me,” I muttered. I wracked my brain for anything I could throw out to change the subject, but ultimately it was Morgan who saved my ass.
“Oh my god!” Morgan gasped, pointing at the hedge line several metres away. We all snapped our heads to look, and I saw a tiny muntjac deer poking its head through the greenery. It was rare to see them out so long before sunset, and we all froze to watch it as it snuffled around for a moment before darting out of view.
Morgan and Chloe turned the conversation to some rabbits they had at the local rescue, and I was relieved that thespotlighthad moved off me. Eventually they started talking about rescheduling their girls’ day, and I was surprised when their revised plans seemed to include me by default.
I’d been so desperate for friends after moving home that I’d agreed to play Dungeons & Dragons, for fuck’s sake. And my willingness to get involved seemed to be paying off. But when things with Phil fell apart, which was an inevitable part of this whole arrangement, would my newfound friendships crumble with it, just like they had in Manchester? Phil and I had promised each other we’d find a way out of the relationship that didn’t blow up either of our lives, but we hadn’t talked about it at all yet. My life looked so different now than it had just a month ago. There was so much more to lose than I would have thought possible; so much more than I’d ever had in Manchester. Time with Ethel, my relationships with Morgan and Fatima and even Chloe… I wasn’t sure I was willing to sacrifice any of it.
Phil and I were more than halfway to our breakup, and I didn’t feel confident anymore that we’d do it gracefully. So I promised myself then and there that I would be the one to bring it up, no matter how desperately I didn’t want to.
Chapter17
Phil
My first date night without Amy was a stark reminder of how much I’d been struggling in the previous months. Ethel had her first-ever sundowning episode, which the specialist had supposedly prepared me for, but nothing could have made me ready. She knew who I was, but she kept pacing the room back and forth, shouting at someone who wasn’t there. I tried multiple times to get her to sit down, or to take her to bed, but she fought me off every time.
I’d tried to keep myself busy by working on the costumes– specifically, I was stitching together the various components of Grey’s chain mail armour– but I kept messing up and had to frog it twice, so eventually I resigned myself to sitting on the sofa and watching Ethel. The dishes sat unwashed in the sink, the data entry job I’d been ignoring all week sat undone on my laptop, and the chain mail sat unassembled on the coffee table. It took every ounce of mental energy I had to just make sure Ethel didn’t hurt herself, and by the time we were both in bed, I was so tired that I didn’t even do my usual nightly spiral about Amy.
* * *
I wokeup from a fitful night of sleep the next morning, and I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. Ethel wasn’t much better; she was in relatively good spirits, but she seemed exhausted, and I made the executive decision that we’d have to skip the Evans family dinner.
PHIL
Hey, so sorry, but we had a really bad night last night, so I think Ethel needs a chill day. We’ll have to wait until Tuesday to see each other.
I regretted it as soon as I’d hit send– it was unlikely she was constantly counting down to the next time she’d see me the way I was with her– but she saw it straightaway, so I didn’t get the chance to edit it.
AMY
Oh no! Everything okay? Why don’t I come to you instead? I can hang with her whilst you catch up on things?
I honestly considered taking her up on it. I missed her, which was wild after just two days, and I knew seeing her would make me feel better. But she didn’t deserve to be my emotional support crutch.
