My life was like one big puzzle I had to put together just so, every piece in its perfect place, over and over again, every single day. And if I didn’t, it was Ethel who would lose the big picture.
Every moment of every day, I missed Amy. I missed sitting next to her at Ethel’s physio appointments, chatting shit. I missed the heart and light she brought to even the heaviest and most practical conversations. I missed working around the house with her, each doing separate things but orbiting around one another as we got on with whatever was in front of us. And god I missed her touch– the casual way she’d fling her legs over mine when we sat together, the way she always reached for my hand, the way she would mindlessly fiddle with my beard as we lay in bed together, not wanting to fall asleep and miss even a second together. The intention she’d brought into our lives– the happy, healing energy, as corny as it felt to admit– was so noticeably absent that it felt like a light had been turned off in the house, no matter what else I tried.
It was usually just before midnight that the buzz of a full day wore off, and the loneliness set in fully. Just a couple of weeks ago, I’d had a girlfriend I was falling in love with, a group of friends that felt like family, and a grandmother who was declining but still present. And I’d been exhausted, and it had been hard, but I’d at least felt like myself.
But now, I felt like an island in a way I never had before. I knew it was an island of my own making– everyone but Amy reached out over and over again, and I was the one who refused their help– but it felt like the only way I could stay afloat. Like if I dared to hope that any of them could help me, dared to pull focus from the extreme juggling act that was my life, everything would come crashing down.I should know, I thought.It already happened once.
One night, just as I was sinking into my nightly spiral, I walked into my craft room for the first time all week to find a sea of purple tulle and satin all over the place, Amy’s dress half finished. I stared for a long time at the raw edges and the pins and the embroidery thread. Part of me wanted to set it on fire and let it burn the way I had with our relationship. But with everything else unspooling around me, the only thing I could think was,now here’s one puzzle I know how to solve.
* * *
On the lastSaturday in August, there was a knock on the door at around five, and my heart leapt.
“It’s not her,” I muttered to myself as I shut my laptop and set it aside on the sofa.
“Not who?” Ethel asked.
“No one,” I said, walking towards the door, but I could still feel my heart in my throat. The curtains were drawn– the late afternoon sun was apparently offensive to Ethel all of a sudden– so I had no idea who it was. And it should have been date night, after all; the last one before the ball.
When I opened the door and found Anil, my heart sank.
“Uh, hey,” I said, stepping aside to let him in. “Did I have you booked for tonight, and I forgot to cancel?”
Anil shook his head as he slipped off his shoes. “Nah, don’t worry, mate, you were pretty clear that you were gonna do it all yourself.” He didn’t sound angry or bitter, but there was a tightness to his voice anyway.
“Oh, okay,” I said as he walked into the kitchen and leaned back against the worktop. “Well, is everything okay?”
Anil laughed. “You mean, what the hell am I doing here?”
I smiled and leaned against the sink across from him. “Not that I’m not happy to see you.” But then I realised something. “Wait, aren’t you meant to be at your class?”
“Finished it,” he said proudly. “I’m all certified now.”
“Wow, that’s amazing! Congrats.”
“Thanks,” he said, then brought his arms up and crossed them. “Actually, though, that’s part of why I’m here.”
I frowned. “Because you’re done with your course?”
He nodded. “And now I’m looking at getting a day job. Which probably means I’m looking at shift work, meaning I wouldn’t be able to look after Ethel on a regular schedule anymore.”
It was like a punch to the gut. Which didn’t make sense– I’d already decided to take a step back from the things that meant I’d need him in the evenings– but the idea that he wouldn’t be there if I did need him? That now, without Amy as well, I was well and truly alone in caring for Ethel? It scared the shit out of me in a way I hadn’t been expecting.
“Got it,” I said, staring down at my hands.
“But Phil, I could have told you that on the phone. I came here because I wanted to talk to you about your plans for Ethel.”
I looked back up at Anil and narrowed my eyes, my brain going into defence mode before I even really processed what he was saying.
“What do you mean, my plans?”
Anil took a deep breath and repositioned against the worktop. “Let me guess. You feel guilty about her fall, so you’ve cut yourself off from everything that might distract you. You’ve jumped in at the deep end with all the activities and therapies and all that, and you’re trying to do everything for her so nothing bad happens to make it worse. Am I right?”
Well, that was spooky. “You put a nanny cam in the house or something?” I asked, trying to sound casual and joking, but Anil just smiled sadly at me.
“I’ve seen it before, more than once. It’s a really normal response. But it’s not healthy, mate.”
I dropped my joking tone and shook my head. “I’m fine,” I said. “Seriously, don’t worry about me.”
