IfIwanted to explore that idea,Ineeded to get through the rest of the event, which was far from over.Butstanding there, watchingTeddyin the rain,Iwanted nothing more than to run out into it and kiss her.Iwanted to leave the bright, dry, happy festivalI’dworked so hard on to go stand in the pouring rain, even if allIcould do was stand there next to her.Helpher move parking cones and direct cars.Getmy hands dirty alongside her.
And that was the momentIknew for certain thatIhad fallen in love withTeddyCooper.Becausedespite the fact thatIwas exactly whereI’dwanted to be, she wasn’t in here with me, soIwanted to be somewhere else more.
Chapter35
Teddy
The big event we’d been working toward for months was finally over, and it felt very much like an ending, despite the fact that the farm was clearly at thebeginningof something.Iwas helping mop the warehouse floor, listening to the beep of the forklift outside as the temporary stage was loaded up and driven away.Ipushed the mop in slow figures of eight, redistributing puddles of soapy water, the echo of every small movement ricocheting off the hard surfaces of the warehouse.
I’d been thinking a lot in the rain yesterday about what the next six months would look like for me.Itwas crystal clear thatI’dbe going home, but what did that entail?I’dwrapped things up this spring so conclusively, almost as ifIwere moving permanently toWales.I’dsold my van, for fuck’s sake.WhathadIbeen thinking?I’dbe literally homeless whenIflew back.
Except for my childhood home,Iguessed, thoughIwasn’t sureIwas ready to worry aboutDadto the levelI’dneed to if we lived together.Hiscalls had been even less frequent than usual this summer, andIwas pretty sure it was because he’d slid down into the depths of his depression.Hisalcoholism.Whateverreality he escaped to that was better than the one where he’d lostMom.He’dfinally texted me, letting me know he was going to try to get some work at a climbing gym, butIwas wary of feeling too hopeful.We’dbeen here before.
So, no,Ididn’t want to live with him.ButI’dfound my hand gravitating more and more toward the coin around my neck as my departure loomed, wondering if maybeIdid have it in me now to try harder with him.
I also didn’t know howIfelt about restarting my nomadic existence.Iwas far from old, butIwas getting tired of feeling so untethered.Thissummer had taught me a lot of things, one of which was that having friends– having a support system outside ofGwenynen– felt good.Andwhile my support system here was all tied up inChloe, maybe it was time to think about building one back home.
No matter what my next step looked like, though,Ineeded to take it.Ididn’t feel like waiting around for the inevitable to play out– not withChloe, and not withJen.Maybein a few months’ time, whenIcame back,ChloeandIcould see where we stood.Butfor now,Iwas pretty sure we needed space, even ifIdidn’t want it.
Lying in bed last night,I’dmoved my flight.Andit was much sooner thanIknewChloeorJenwas expecting.Butit washigh time to go.
Chloe came in mid-morning to say goodbye, tiptoeing around the parts of the floorI’dalready mopped, visible from the wet sheen glistening in the sunlight that spilled through the open doors.Jenhad insistedChloetake the next couple of weeks off, which meant she’d be back just in time for what they both thought would be my last week of the season.Inreality, we’d see each other atD&Dand at her birthday party, but otherwise…
“Try not to do anything content-worthy without me,” she said, aiming for a joke, but neither of us laughed.
“Got any plans for your time off?”Iasked. “Gonnatake a break from working on a farm to pretend to be a farmer?”
She laughed. “Notthat, no.Istill haven’t bought it for mySwitch.”
“What, then?”
She pursed her lips and looked up as if considering this, though it was clear she knew exactly what she wanted to do.
“Ummmm, aDurgerun ofBaldur’sGate3and as little vitaminDas possible.”
“Sounds healthy,”Iteased, not knowing what a dirge or a balder was.
“Yeah, well, not all of us can be tannedCalifornianbeekeepers who naturally wake up at five a.m.”
I smirked. “Notall of us can be pale redheads with a gaming addiction.”
“Don’t even,” she said. “Ihaven’t played anything with a narrative in months, andI’mdesperate.”
I laughed along with her, still not understanding the whole gaming thing, but excited for her to have some downtime.Shereally had earned it.
I saw her face change, biting gently at her lip, andIbraced myself.
“Listen,”Chloesaid, andIwent to cut her off, not wanting to retread the same ground again, but she quickly continued. “I’vegot some stuffIwant to talk through with you whenI’mback, okay?Workstuff,Imean.”
I nodded. “Okay, yeah.”
“Just … don’t make any decisions whilstI’moff.Ineed to knowIcan take a bit of holiday without you spiralling.”
“Sure,”Isaid with a half-hearted smile–IknewI’dalready gone against what she was asking of me, but she didn’t need to know that now.She’dfind out soon enough.
I gaveChloea hug, starting with just one arm, but it turned out we were incapable of keeping things casual.Sheended up tightly wrapped in my arms, her hands rubbing my back asIbreathed in the herbal scent of her shampoo and trieddesperatelyto memorise the feeling of holding her.
“See you soon,” she said, still not breaking the hug, andInodded, her head bobbing with the movement of mine.
