“I told you not to lose hope,”Isaid, my voice shaking with anger and desperation. “Itold you to hang tight.”
Teddy shook her head. “Don’tdo this,Chloe.Wehad a good night.We’lljust leave it there.”
“No!”Iyelled, bringing my hand down on the table, my dice jumping and clattering back down.Ifelt my lip begin totremble. “I’mnot ready to say goodbye.”
I looked down at the table, at theD20which had re-rolled itself in my outburst.TheD20I’dused in the combat to keep things fair, knowingTeddyhad weighted the one she’d given me.Aone stared up at me, mocking me.Acritical failure.
“Come on,”Teddysaid. “Ididn’t mean to make tonight about this.Canwe just have a good evening?”
I shook my head exaggeratedly, trying to loosen the coilingIfelt inside me. “Ithink you should just go now, actually.Sinceyou have one foot out the door anyway.”
“Chloe,”Fatimasaid, “that’s not fair.”Ishot daggers up at her.
“Isn’t it?”Iasked, looking back atTeddy. “Becausewhy else would she move up her flight?”
“It’s okay,”Teddysaid, pushing back from the table and standing. “Ididn’t mean to make this about me.I’lljust go.”
I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat, watching her pack up her dice into her backpack.
“Here,”Isaid, reaching down into my own bag and chucking theT-shirt at her. “Takethis with you.Idon’t want it.”
It landed momentarily against her chest, then flopped down onto the table.ButTeddydidn’t even acknowledge thatI’dthrown it.Shejust smiled sadly down at me, even asImaintained my stony expression.Thenshe waved to the others and left, the front door clicking shut behind her.
The others all turned to look at me, stunned.Ifelt tears building behind my eyes.
“Amy,”Isaid quietly, andIheard the jangle of her keys beforeIhad to say anything else.
“Of course,” she said. “Comeon.”
I gathered my things slowly, debating leaving the die and theT-shirt on the table, butIcouldn’t bring myself to leave them behind.EvenifTeddyhad decided she could do it,Iwasn’t ready to let go yet.Notentirely.SoIstuffed them into my bag without saying a word, then left into the night.
I looked around whenIgot outside, scanning forTeddy’sSubaru, or maybeJen’svan.ButIdidn’t see either.Therewas no trace ofTeddyanywhere.Shewas already gone.
* * *
Three days later,Iwas wallowing at home, surrounded by takeaway containers and romancing my favourite red muscle mommy for the dozenth time.Myfriends had barely left my side for the first two days after the party–Amyhad even slept on my sofa both nights in a row– but nowIwas alone, telling myself this was how it would be.
I’d tried to figure out how to fix the situation, butIcouldn’t get to the farm– the bus wasn’t running all the way there over the weekend, and the rain was too heavy to walk from the station safely.Ithought about it constantly, picturing myself running up the gravel drive in the storm to profess my love again, but my good sense won out, figuring it wasn’t worth it ifIgot run over by a car because of poor visibility beforeIcould even get there.Iknew one of my friends would have driven me, orIcould have rungJen, but she was running workshops over the weekend, and honestly,Iwas embarrassed about howI’dhandled things whenTeddyhad left.Ididn’t want to admit thatI’dmade a mistake.Notjust yet.
I also had no idea whatI’dsay to convince her to stay.Ifme telling herIloved her hadn’t done the trick, then untilIheard back fromDafydd,Ihad nothing more to offer her.
SoIdidn’t even try to fix it, instead disappearing into my cave, both mourning and celebrating when my friends finally left me alone with my thoughts, regrets, and digital photo album, full of images and videos from the summer ofTeddybeing passionate and intelligent and hot as hell.Ikept finding myself staring at the oneI’dtaken of her by the veg garden that one day towards the beginning, looking all windswept and wild.She’dbeen so terrifying to me then, in completely different ways to how she terrified me now.I’dwanted nothing more than for her to like me.IfIcould have gone back and told theTeddyof that photo that she’d fall in love with me,Iwas pretty sure she would have laughed in my face.
Every timeIlooked at it,Ifelt more alone.Becausenot only had my friends finally left me alone, but the personIloved had left me here, too.Leftme to try to exist– try tothrive– in a place where every corner held not just a memory of her but an actual photo.Actualdocumented evidence of her caring about something that wasn’t me.
IfIstayed atGwenynen, whichIstill intended to do,Iknew the hurt was far from over.
* * *
But my friendscouldn’t actually manage to leave me alone, could they?Becauseless than twenty-four hours afterAmyhad left me,Morganhad showed up at my door with a determined expression and two dog leads.
“Come on,” she said without preamble. “Laurenisn’t working today, so we’re borrowing some new rescues namedChipandDalefor a walk.Youneed to get out of this flat.”
I frowned at her, smoothing my rat’s nest of hair. “Howdid you knowIwas even here?Icould have been…”Iracked my brain for somethingIcould have conceivably been doing on aSundaymorning, butIcame up empty. “Out?”
Morgan nodded at myTV. “Jacksaw you were online.Figuredyou were still stewing.”
It was nice, actually, to know that my friends knew me so well.Abit annoying in that exact moment, but still nice on some level.SoIlet her in whilstIchanged, then walked into the warmAugustmorning with her.Shedidn’t make me talk aboutTeddy, info-dumping instead about her andJack’snext trip toPortugal, andIwas grateful for it.
