The spaniels were adorable– energetic and friendly, and completely obsessed with every smell and stick and leaf we encountered.Butthey just reminded me ofWillow, which reminded me ofTeddy, which made my chest ache in a wayIdidn’t have the energy to deal with.
“So,”Morgansaid as we walked along the riverfront, with the tone of someone ready to get down to business, “you wanna talk about the other night?”
“Nope,”Isaid automatically, popping thePto punctuate the sentiment.
She sighed. “Okay, well, you didn’t tellAmyanything either, soI’munfortunately going to have to pester you until you do talk about it.Wemight as well get it out of the way.”
So as we walked,ItoldMorganeverything.Shealready knew about the wedding, butItold her about that night in the warehouse, and about what had happened at my party.Shehad the good grace to pretend to be surprised;Iwas pretty sure they’d all heard us hooking up.ButwhenItold her we’d said that we loved each other, she lit up with joy for me.
“That’s amazing!” she said, her voice excited enough that the dogs started jumping up at her.
“Is it?”Iasked. “Itdidn’t make a difference.Shestill left.Oris leaving this week.Whatever.”
“I suppose,” she conceded. “ButIcan’t sayIunderstand why it couldn’t work anyway.Aren’tcrazy long-distance relationships a classic lesbian thing?”
I glared at her, even asIcracked a smile. “That’sbasically a microaggression, you know.”
She laughed. “Sorry.Butseriously, you don’t have to break up over it.Ifyou love each other, just be together long distance until you can figure something out.”
I scoffed. “Didn’tyou break up withJackbecause you thought you were moving a four-hour train ride away?We’retalking about an ocean and a whole-ass continent here.”
“Okay, that’s fair.”Shelaughed. “Butlike you said, you both want the same thing, right?It’snot like either of you is trying to keep the other from what they want.It’sjust … circumstance.”
I frowned. “Yeah, well, circumstance can do one.Ifthe tables were turned andIsaw my girlfriend living my dream whenIcouldn’t,I’dresent her.AndTeddyfeels the same way.Anyonewho says otherwise is lying.Neitherof us wants anything more than to be atGwenynenfor good, and it would hurt to try to make something work when only one of us can have it.”
Morgan pulled a face. “Really?Youwant that more thananything?”Shesounded almost incredulous, andIstopped walking abruptly enough thatChipdidn’t realise until he tugged on the end of the lead.
“Yes,”Isaid, indignant. “Really.Thisis the first thingI’vefelt this passionately about in … well, maybe ever.”
Morgan stopped a few feet ahead of me and shook her head. “Icall bullshit on that.”
I opened my mouth to protest, but she held up her free hand.
“Chloe,” she said, her voice tender and patient, “you are the most passionate personIknow.Andnot just about things that matter.Ifsomeone asks what’s better,JurassicParkorAlien, you’ll jump in with a strong opinion before you’ve even heard the argument.Teaversus coffee, beach versus mountains, blue and black or white and gold– you’ll be mind-bendingly passionate about any of that.”
“Okay, but that dress was absolutely blue and black,”Isaid, already feeling myself getting worked up.
Morgan held up her hands as if in surrender. “Iagree with you,Chloe.Butalso, case in point.”
I scoffed. “Okay, so becauseI’mopinionated, my passion doesn’t matter?It’sinconsequential?”
Morgan took a step closer. “That’snot whatI’msaying.Ijust mean thateverythingis consequential for you.You’rethe human opposite of the phrase ‘it’s not that deep’.Youmake everything deeper just by the way you look at it.Whichis beautiful, by the way.”
I bit my lips between my teeth, unsure what to say.Istill didn’t like the idea that importance was measured on a different scale for me than it was for others.ThatsomethingIcared about was trivial.
“You’re passionate about your friends,”Morgansaid, her own voice intense and full of feeling. “Youmake sure every one of us feels celebrated and loved.You’repassionate about the games we play.Aboutthe way my boyfriend packs his bag for a camping trip.Aboutthe films we watch together onFridaynights.Andno matter what you say,Iknow you were passionate about your job at the rescue.Youjust hated that yourpassion was met with transactional bullshit by the rich arseholes who go to those events.”
My face started to burn hot with emotion, andIlooked away in an attempt to hide it.
“So, when you say you haven’t been passionate about anything else in a long time,Icall bullshit.You’rejust applying that passion to something new, and for the first time in your professional life, it’s being matched by the people you’re working for.You’vefound somethingworthyof your passion.”
Tears started to prick at my eyes, soIlooked up into the sun, risking retinal damage to try to keep them at bay.
“Yeah, well, that’s the problem,”Isaid. “It’sall that deep.Includingwanting to be atGwenynen, and including the wayIfeel aboutTeddy.Andshe feels the same way, apparently.That’swhy it would hurt so much.Sowhat amIsupposed to do?”
Morgan shrugged sadly. “Ihonestly have no idea.Itfucking sucks.Butwhat you’re not supposed to do,Ican say for certain, is cut your own happiness off at the pass and not let yourself enjoy something you’ve worked really fucking hard for.”
I sniffled, the tears determined to come out, andIcouldn’t hold off any longer.Theyspilled out over my cheeks asIlooked back atMorgan.Shedidn’t even know whatI’doffered the council; thatIwas prepared to give it all up to giveTeddywhat she wanted.ThatIwould lay my own happiness on the altar of hers, becauseIloved her.Itwas exactly whatPatriciahad told me not to do, but hereIwas doing it anyway.
