I rolled my jaw. “Nope!”
MaybeI’dresponded too quickly.MaybeI’denunciated just a tiny bit more than usual.Maybeit was just a kind of brotherly intuition.ButI’dknownJackmy entire life, andIknew the moment the lie left my mouth that he hadn’t bought it.Ihad intuition of my own, andIcould feel the triumph in his breath.
I hopped away from the hexagonal tileIwas on as it disappeared beneath me, only to run smack into another player, ragdolling over the edge.I’dlost.
My cheeks burned with rage– both at the game and at myself for what had happened withTeddy.Itwas all too much.I’dwanted a mindless distraction, but the intensity of this stupid game and my stupid best friend had riled me up anyway.Ijust couldn’t win.
“Fuck this,”Isaid, chucking the controller onto the sofa and striding across the room.Islid open the patio door and closed it as dramatically as possible behind me, slightly undermined by how slowly it shut, both from my fear of breaking the glass and from the weight of the door itself.ThenIsat down on the edge of the wooden deck, which extended out over the pond, running my bare toe along the surface.
I heard the door open and shut again.
“Fuck off,Jack,”Isaid. “Idon’t want to talk about this.”
“Language,” camePatricia’svoice, making my eyes go wide.Ispun around.
“I’m so sorry,”Isaid, but thenIsoftened whenIsaw that her expression was teasing rather than offended.
“It’s okay,” she said, sitting down next to me. “I’veseen you three rage-quit video games plenty of times.Doyou remember that silly portal gamePhilcould never get the hang of?You’dall just met at secondary school.Hemust have just learned a few choice swear words, and they all came out of his mouth in one big string.I’dnever laughed so hard, but he was so embarrassed thinking he’d offended me.”
I didn’t remember that, butIlaughed anyway; it sounded about right.I’dspent so many hours in their lounge playing withJack, and then withPhil, too, when we’d met him.Somany hours escaping my own home life.
“You were always a soft place to land,”Isaid wistfully, and she bumped my shoulder with her own.
“AndIwas always happy to be,” she said, “thoughIwishIhadn’t needed to be.”
I bit at the inside of my lip, knowing where this washeading.I’dbeen continuing to ignoreMum’scalls since the festival, andIwas certain she would have been pesteringPatriciaabout howIwas or if she’d heard from me.
“How is she?”Iasked.
“The same.”
“I’m sorry she bothers you about me,”Isaid. “Iwish she would just leave you out of it.”
“I don’t want to be left out of it,”Patriciasaid, andIlooked over to see that she wore a sympathetic smile. “Sarah’seasy for me to deal with.Iknow a dozen women just like her.ButIknow she’s not easy on you.Soif me being in the middle makes things better for you,I’mhappy to be there.”
Tears pricked at my eyes.Patriciacould clearly tellIwas on the edge, because she cleared her throat and looked out to the water. “So,” she said, “tell me what’s going on withTeddy.”
I couldn’t help the groan that came out of my mouth. “Really,Patricia, it’s not?—”
“Let me stop you there,” she said, holding up a hand between us. “I’mnot asking to be nosy.Imean, yes,I’mcurious.Butalso,Ijust like to see you happy, andIknow you haven’t had the best luck in that department.”
I was almost surePatriciadidn’t know the half of it, butIdidn’t offer that information.
“There’s just nothing to share,”Isaid instead. “IfIwere in a relationship or some huge milestone happened,Iwould say,Ipromise.”
She nodded for a long moment. “Youknow,” she said, “you don’t have to have some huge milestone to tell people about for it to be worth sharing.Thatgoes for whatever this is withTeddy, or anything else in your life.”
I shrugged. “Butwhat good would it do?”
“Well, it could help you feel better.Helpyou gain perspective.Makeyou feel less alone in all of it.”
“I don’t know,”Isaid.Becausewhat she was offering sounded wonderful, but in my experience, it didn’t actually exist.Itwasn’t possible to get those things without also gaining the weight of other people’s opinions and expectations.
“The reason we all get so excited is because we care about you,” she said, patting my hand where it rested on the deck between us. “Wewant you to feel as loved and cared for as you make everyone around you feel.ButI’msorry if that excitement feels like a burden.Makesyou feel like you can’t share the little things without people making a bigger deal of them than they are.”
Damn, that familial intuition was popping off today.
And, honestly?Idid want that.Iwanted to be able to share what had happened withTeddy, just without anyone putting pressure on me to take it back.Tothrow caution to the wind and just be with her, consequences be damned.I’dbeen trying so hard to be more considered, and the last thingIwanted was other people’s excitement sweeping me up and bringing me right back into my chaos queen era.
