But god,Ireally did need to talk about this.EverytimeI’dclosed my eyes for months, it had beenTeddy’sfaceI’dseen.Icould still feel her hands on me, and it was driving me crazy.Itwas taking every ounce of willpowerIhad not to fold– to run to her and tell herI’dbeen kidding; thatIwanted to throw caution to the wind and let the chips fall where they may– and having everyone else rooting for us to be together wasn’t helping.
And yeah,Patriciawas a mum, but she wasn’tmymum.SomaybeIcouldactually talk to her about this?
“Okay,”Isaid, “so,TeddyandImay have hooked up last night.”
Patricia did sit up a bit straighter, but, to her credit, she played it remarkably cool.Shenodded for me to continue, soIlet myself rewind to last night, done keeping it all at bay.
“And, honestly, it was great.Itfelt like things were falling into place.”
“So, what’s the problem?”Patriciaasked. “Whydoes that stress you out?”
“Because it can’t be anything,”Isaid. “She’sleaving in a few weeks.Ifwe got together, we’d have to be long distance, and even if we did that, she’d resent the fact thatI’dbe living the life she wants for herself.Ionly got the job atGwenynenbecauseJenused the money she’d been saving forTeddy’svisa.”
“DidTeddytell you she’d resent you?”Patriciaasked, doubtful.
I shook my head. “No, but she didn’t contradict me whenIsaid it.Iwould resent me, too, if the roles were reversed.Idon’t know ifIcould be with her.”
“Do you know that you’ve got the job permanently?”
“Not yet,”Isaid. “ButJen’simplied that it’s coming.Eitherway,I’mnot sure that matters.”
Patricia shrugged. “Imean, it sounds like you don’t have all the information yet.”
“Exactly,”Isaid, excited that she understood. “AndI’mtrying so hard not to be careless with this.Withher feelings, or with mine.Withthe dynamic at the farm for either of us.Andit feels like we crossed a line there.”
Patricia nodded and let out a deep exhale, clearly giving real thought to whatIwas saying.Thenshe turned her whole body to face me, taking my hands in hers.
“I think it sounds like you’re trying to do the right thing,” she said, and my shoulders sank in a strange combination of relief and disappointment.Partof me had hoped she’d tell meIwas being silly, and thatIshould just let myself enjoyTeddywhilstIcould.EvenifIknew that wasn’t the right thing to do.
“Yeah,”Isaid, trying to sound more confident thanIfelt.
“ButChloe,” she said, andIperked up slightly, “love is a powerful force.Andeven for the most restrained, considered people on the planet, some forces are just too powerful to ignore.Soif you’re going to hurt yourself by staying away fromTeddy…”
“I don’t want to hurther, though,”Isaid, my voice cracking slightly.
“Listen,” she said, “Iget it.You’retrying to let yourself hurt a little to avoid the big hurt for both of you.ButIjust don’t want you to sacrifice yourself at the altar of someone else’s future.Youdeserve to have what you want, even if you both have to do some reconciling down the road.”
A rogue tear escaped down my cheek, andImoved to wipe it away, butPatriciasqueezed my hands in place.
“But if you think it’ll hurt less to wait until you have more information, that’s okay, too.You’reso young, and a matter of weeks is nothing compared to the future you have ahead of you.So, if you need to hold off, keep your distance until you know more,Ithink that sounds sensible.”
“Yeah?”Again, the strange cocktail of relief and disappointment churned my stomach.
“Yeah.”Shewas smiling at me, andItried to mirror it back to her.
“And don’t worry about your mum,” she said. “Youtalk to her when you want.Inthe meantime,Ican handle her.”
“Thank you,”Isaid, squeezing her hands the way she’d squeezed mine. “I’mlucky to have you.”
“And you do have me,”Patriciasaid. “Don’tforget that.”
She leaned in for a hug, andIlet her wrap her arms around me, folding my own over her shoulders.Itwas a nice, warm hug, but it took me a moment to let myself sink into it.
WhenIfinally did, the tears came hot and fast.Patriciadidn’t move, just holding onto me asIcried onto her shoulder.
Chapter30
Teddy
