But the universe clearly wasn’t listening, because, hope asImight, nothing changed in that moment.Ididn’t blink and wake up in an alternate reality where everything would be fine;Iwas still in the one where this wouldn’t work.Notnow, and maybe not ever.Andit was breaking my fucking heart.
Teddy looked up at me, worry etched on her face, andIknew my stupid heartbeat must have betrayed me. “Youokay?”
I nodded, not trusting my voice.
“You’re not,” she said. “Ican tell.”
I took a deep breath, and she must have read where this was going, having learned better thanIhad from last time, because she stood up and started shaking her head.Iwas instantly desperate for her to come back and lay against me again; to feel the weight of her on me instead of the weight of all this bullshit.
“Chloe, don’t,” she said, andIheard an edge of emotion in her voice, her chin quivering slightly in the pale light.Itonly made me more upset;Ihadn’t seen her lose it before, andIhated being the person to cause it.
“Nothing’s changed,”Isaid, my own voice breaking. “We’rein the exact same situation we were in before.”
“Whichyoudecided was unviable,”Teddyshouted, pointing at me. “Youunilaterally decided that it wouldn’t work.”
“And how could it?”Iasked, pushing myself up to standing.Myvoice echoed around the warehouse, andIwas almost certain we’d wakeJen.ButIdidn’t care at this point. “Seriously,Teddy, if you have a way that we can be together without you resenting me for staying, or if you’ve miraculously conjured a way to stick around,I’mall ears.”
I stared at her pointedly, both of us with trembling lips and ragged breaths.Shedidn’t say anything.
“Exactly,”Isaid eventually, quieter this time.
“Fuck this,”Teddysaid, practically spitting the words out.
“Hear, hear,”Isaid, my face softening, andIreached out to take her hand in mine.Shelet me grab onto it for a moment, but then she pulled it away, andIdidn’t blame her.Asmuch asIwanted to comfort her– wantedherto comfortme– we couldn’t be that for each other.Ifwe couldn’t even have what we’d just done, we certainly couldn’t be one another’s anchor.Ishouldn’t have even let this happen; how fucking selfish of me.
“We should go to sleep,”Isaid, my voice small.
“Sure,” she said, nodding at the staircase. “Ijust need to finish.Putthings away.”
“Don’t stay up too long.Bigday tomorrow.”
She smiled, but it was a cold smile.Anangry one. “Yeah.Bigfucking day.”
I didn’t have anything else in me– nothing that would make things better, anyway.Ijust needed to be anywhere else. “Seeyou then,”Isaid weakly.
“Sweet dr—Seeyou then.”
I winced at how she’d aborted the nicety, butIunderstood it.Andwithout picking at the wound, there was nothing more to say.SoItook one last longing look atTeddy, and then pulled up my hood and walked out into the rain, sceptical thatI’dget even a wink of sleep.IfIdid,IknewI’ddream not of to-do lists now, but ofTeddy.
Chapter33
Teddy
Ihadn’t slept a wink.
The festival was completely sold out, everything was as ready as we could make it, andIshould have been focused entirely on making sure the day went smoothly.Butinstead,Ikept replaying what had happened in the warehouse.
Seriously, how hadIlet that happen again?
Okay,Iobviously knew how.Iwas powerless aroundChloe.Everyounce of controlI’dcultivated over the course of my life had flown out the window the momentI’dseen her there, wet from the rain, the twinkle of the string lights glistening off her.Nowthat we’d broken the seal,Iwanted to do nothing but touch her.Nothingbut make satisfied little noises come from that perfect mouth of hers.
So it was no surprise, really, that we’d ended up here yet again.Butit was also unsurprising, given the reality of our situation, that she couldn’t have just pretended.Ididn’t blame her.
I was up long before sunrise, restless energy coursing through me despite my exhaustion,KateBosworthstaring smugly down at me from my wall.Therain had stopped for the moment, soIdecided to hike up the hill behind the farm whileIcould.Maybesome fresh air and physical exertion would help clear my head.SoIpulled on last night’s clothes and headed out.Willowtrotted happily ahead of me, giddy to be outside after days of being cooped up, not straying far from the light of my headlamp.
At the top of the hill,Ilooked down at the farm spread out below me in the pre-dawn darkness.Afew lights were on, including in the shepherd’s hut–Chloemust have been up early, too, probably running through last-minute preparations.Theorange of the plastic mesh in the parking lot glared up at me from below, andIcould see the polytunnel we’d erected as a covered walkway.We’dput it up quickly enough that it wouldn’t last long, but as long as it lasted the day, we’d be fine.Theportable toilets had been delivered a couple of days ago, and we’d had them placed as close to the warehouse as possible, cutting holes in the side of the polytunnel for access.Itwould be the driest rain event possible.
I reached into my pocket, and my hand found the birthday presentI’dmade forChloe.I’dhave to give it to her in a few days, but since finishing it yesterday, it hadn’t been more than a few feet from me.Iran my finger over the ridges of it and closed my eyes, trying to summon the vision of the futureIwanted atGwenynen; the oneI’dpictured so many times.Theone that made it apparently impossible forChloeand me to be together.
