Page 56 of Vows to Save His Crown

‘Don’t I have a right to know?’

He sighed, the sound impatient. ‘Rachel...’

‘You’ve been shutting me out ever since then,’ Rachel stated with quiet, trembling dignity. ‘Did you expect me not to notice? Not to care?’ Her voice caught on a wavering note and she sucked in a quick breath, determined to stay composed.

Mateo laid his hands flat on the table. ‘No, of course not. I’m sorry. I know... I know I’m not being fair to you.’

‘But you’ll do it anyway?’

‘The truth is, I don’t know how to be.’ The look of naked vulnerability on his face seared her heart. ‘I don’t... I don’t know how to lo

ve someone. And if that’s what you want...’

‘Don’t know? Or don’t want to?’

He hesitated, a familiar, obdurate cast on his features. ‘Both, I suppose.’

‘Why?’

‘I don’t want to hurt you—’

‘You already have,’ Rachel cut across him, trying to sound matter-of-fact and not bitter. ‘So if that’s your only reason...’

‘Why can’t we be happy the way we were?’ Mateo said. ‘As friends.’

‘Because you’re not acting like my friend, Mateo. You’re acting cold and stony and basically a big, fat jerk.’ He let out a huff of surprised laughter and Rachel squared her shoulders, knowing what more she needed to say, even if saying it would break her heart clean in half.

‘I’ve been thinking about this quite a lot lately,’ she said quietly. ‘About you and me, and whether I’d be happy to live without love.’

‘I do care for you—’

‘But the thing is,’ Rachel interjected sadly, ‘you don’t want to. You’re fighting it. Fighting me. Maybe it’s because you loved someone before and it hurt. I understand that, Mateo. You’ve lost a lot of people in your life. Your father, your brother.’ She paused. ‘Cressida.’ Mateo did not reply, but his eyes flashed and his jaw tightened. Even now he couldn’t bear to have her name mentioned, and that felt like the saddest thing of all.

‘What I’m saying is, I’m not going to fight you back. Part of me wants to, a large part. To fight for you, for us. But the funny thing is...’ her voice wavered and almost caught on a sob that she managed to hold back ‘... I’m not going to, because you made me feel I was worth more than that. All my life I’ve tried to make myself useful or needed, because I’d convinced myself that was almost as good as being loved. I told you my parents didn’t love me, and I made myself not mind, because it was easier that way. They weren’t bad people, really. They loved their jobs and their social life and they didn’t really want an awkward, nerdy girl messing it all up.’

Mateo opened his mouth and Rachel held up a hand to keep him from interrupting. ‘I’m not saying this to gain your pity. I really don’t want that. I’m just trying to explain. Between them and the whole thing with Josh...well, you were the first person in my life who made me feel I was worth loving.’

‘Rachel...’

‘You made me feel beautiful and lovely and lovable. And you woke me up to the reality that I shouldn’t have to settle for anything less.’

Mateo’s eyes widened as he stared at her. ‘What are you saying?’

‘Don’t worry,’ she said calmly. She felt empty inside, now that it was all being said. ‘I’m not going to leave you. I made vows, and I know my duty. I will stay by your side, as your Queen.’ Another breath, to buoy her. This felt like the hardest part. ‘But I’m not going to try any longer, Mateo. I’m not going to try to make you love me, and I’m going to do my best not to love you back. It’s too hard to handle the ups and downs—the days when you decide to relax enough to let me in, and then the days when you don’t.’

‘I don’t...’ Mateo began helplessly, shaking his head. He looked shell-shocked.

‘It’s not fair on me,’ Rachel stated, ‘and it wouldn’t be fair on our child. Because that is something else I’ve realised. I don’t want a child of mine growing up thinking one of their parents doesn’t love them.’

‘I would love my child,’ Mateo declared in a near growl.

‘Would you? How can I possibly believe or trust that?’

‘Because—’

‘You don’t have a great track record,’ Rachel cut across him. ‘But I accept that you will be involved in our child’s life.’

‘Of course I will—’

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