That faceless Little I’d had in the back of my mind, beckoning to me over the years, reminding me of desires I’d tried to suppress, not only had a face these days, but I’d lost the willpower to resist him.
I wanted to unleash every ounce of the Daddy Dom in me—and in order to do that, whenever it might happen, I had to acknowledge that Nate had been right all along. That he knew me better than I knew myself. Because being on the cusp of experiencing something with Jordan did indescribable things to me. As if breathing became easier, as if each inhale had a shotof dopamine in it. And that was one of several sources of guilt. All the anger I’d used to lash out at Nathan when we’d argued. The pity parties I’d thrown myself because he’d stood up for what was in our best interest. The arguments of his I’d twisted in order to justify my fury and redirect blame.
He’d never actually forced me to take any leaps. He’d begged me to take the smallest baby steps. And I’d given him shit the whole fucking way.
If Nathan had been selfish, he would’ve let things go. Instead, he’d waged war on my fears when I’d been too scared to do so.
I’d been honest with him too. I would’ve done the exact same thing if the roles had been reversed. Because, fucking think about it. If my husband killed a dream and denied a part of himself to be with me, to maintain what we had, I would’ve felt like absolute dog shit. That’s what it boiled down to in the end. It didn’t fucking matter if Nate would’ve been happy, just like I’d sworn I would be; I still would’ve had that on my conscience.
I took a deep breath and realized I had to talk to him. No agenda, no attempt to change his mind or…whatever. I just had to let him know that I was fully aware of what I’d done. He deserved to hear it.
I made eye contact with Jordan again, and he quirked an easy, soft smile.
God, he was fucking precious. And I wanted him in my life.
“Tonight threw me for a loop,” I admitted. Plus, it’d been a long,longday. “The last thing I want is to make a decision when my head’s fucked. It would be unfair to you—to everyone involved.”
His smile turned a little rueful. “I understand.”
“But I want to,” I added. “I wanna anchor myself to a possibility of us exploring something.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” I rubbed my hands slowly up his arms. “So, for the sake of giving me something concrete to ponder, let’s not call them boundaries or limits. Let’s call it your vision. Tell me what you—and James—would like. What you dream about—and the part I would play.” I could tell I was giving him too many doors to choose between, so I circled back to what he’d brought up earlier. “Protection, for instance. I take it you’re not interested in using any.”
That seemed to make things easier for him. “I mean, they’re sort of in the way when you get off on breeding and creampies.”
Well, fuck.
That sure was something concrete to ponder.
I cleared my throat, figuring it was best we moved on real quick. “Fair enough. What kind of dynamic have you and James talked about? What would it look like?”
He leaned forward and planted his elbow on my shoulder, and he rested his cheek in his hand. “I don’t really know. I guess we’ve figured we could set a date for playtime and stuffs. But also, like, if you need a blow job at work and James is nearby, be an opportunist.”
I coughed on a chuckle.
He smirked a little. “We like you, Sir. And we noticed that once we started picturingyouin our wildest fantasies, previous years of conjuring restrictions and thinking about boundaries—it all sort of faded. Because it’s about trust in the end, right? Like, before, we were saying that if we ever went down this road, playtime had to look a certain way in order to protect our relationship from conflict, misunderstandings, and potential jealousy.”
Fuck me, did that sound familiar or what. Nate and I had gone down that road too.
He shrugged with one shoulder. “We don’t feel the need for that anymore, is all. If we enter a dynamic with you, all kindsof play are on the table. We’d obviously discuss things at great length, but James and I are solid. I wouldn’t get hurt if you and he played on your own. He wouldn’t get hurt if you and I played, and so on. Because he and I still have our marriage.”
Something greater that was only theirs.
I inhaled through my nose and let it out slowly.
“I wish I’d had your confidence before Nate and I separated,” I murmured. “I was always too scared to risk anything.”
He hummed. “We were like that too, but it changed when we met you. Once you can put a face to the fantasy, it’s way easier. Our old fears faded. Like, I know I won’t have to worry about you running off with James. And vice versa. Lastly, you have kids. Hoo boy. God bless those little terrors or whatever, but we’re uncle material all the way. And we like having money.”
I had to laugh at the last part, ’cause fuck me running, did he have a point. Nothing drained your bank account like kids.
Not that I’d trade them for anything. James and Jordan wanted to see the world. Nate and I wanted to experience a corner of it with our four hellions.
“Nate and I used to talk about what our limits would look like the day we met a third.” I sighed. “We thought we knew exactly what it was gonna be like.”
We’d hammered out details for protection, that we had to be together every minute of the play, that Nate only bottomed for me, that we didn’t wanna spend the night with anyone…
