I nodded with a dip of my chin. I did know. Nate hated it. He didn’t want anyone to fawn over him, and he didn’t have much good to say about nitpicking bastards who thought they could do things better either.
Everyone was an expert on the internet.
“Do you want Nathan back, Sir?”
I suppressed a sigh and met his gaze. “More than anything.”
He smiled sympathetically. “And would you be opposed to possibly having a dynamic with James and me? With Nathan, I mean. If he’s interested.”
That was the big question, wasn’t it?
For years and years, the answer had been no. As evidence showed.
I hadn’t even been able to entertain the idea.
It was fucking embarrassing, to be honest. To be so scared shitless of a fictional scenario—and yet, now… Now, the possibility might be real because I knew who the person—or people, rather—would be, and I didn’t sense the same threat anymore. I knew the Hacketts. I knew they were solid and happily married. They were good people. Good friends. Genuine.
To include Nathan felt farfetched, though.
“In a perfect world, sure, it could work,” I said carefully. “But I’ve asked him for a second chance enough times now that before I let him stomp on my heart again, I’ll do my own digging. I’m not relying on brat gossip to save my marriage.”
“That’s the spirit!” Jordan threw his arms around my neck and hugged me tightly. “You’re wrong about the quality of brat gossip, but yay!”
The little shit drew a chuckle from me, and I gave him a squeeze back automatically, but my focus had shifted. My head was fucked. This couldn’t be happening. A dream didn’t turn into a plan so swiftly. My fears came rushing back stronger than ever before, and it made me queasy.
Always with the fucking fears.
I hated being a coward.
“This is gonna work out, Sir.”
Please stop saying that.
I swallowed hard and did my best to put a lid on things. Because when push came to shove, Nate possibly being single didn’t mean a goddamn thing. He had literally told me that he hated lying to our kids about loving me.
“Thank you for lookin’ out for me, brat.” I turned my head and kissed his cheek, and I closed my eyes. “But you’re still a sneak.”
“Am not,” he whispered. “I know the sexual tension took a big hike, but was there anything else you wanted to discuss? Boundaries and stuff? Safety? James and I got tested a while back in case you’d wanna turn us into your sex toys and never, ever use condoms.”
I had to swallow again, and I needed him to stop. Mixing nausea with desire wasn’t my idea of a nice cocktail.
I cleared my throat and pressed a kiss to his shoulder. “Sweet boy, I spent twenty years with the love of my life, and you just told me he’s not seeing anyone anymore. I’m not sure I’m capable of discussing anything right now.”
“Gosh—Sir, I’m so sorry. Of course you’re not. I’ll slow down.” He cupped my face in his hands, and we locked eyes.His expression softened with empathy. “It’s scary to hope, I’d imagine.”
Understatement of the century—and I decided right then and there to protect myself. I had to. Not just myself, but him. Jordan, James, everyone who could be affected by my decisions.
“It’s too soon to hope,” I corrected, even though he was right in his guess too. “Even if he ended things with that guy, he has still moved on. More than that, he’s told me that he wants me to move on as well.”
Jordan pursed his lips, and he looked a little dubious.
“I’m not saying I won’t try to get to the bottom of things,” I added. “But I won’t factor him in either. Not in this situation. I’d just be setting myself up for the mother of all heartaches.”
He nodded slowly, maybe processing what I’d said. “So, um…maybe we’ll revisit the playtime idea once you figure things out?”
I took a deep breath and peered down between us. As I rubbed his thighs, I let my gaze roam his body, and it split me in two. For starters, every step I took on this path—with Jordan—would cement the validity of Nathan’s claim. That I was desperate to explore my own core kink. Which was obviously right. For every moment I spent with Jordan and James, my hunger grew.
But so did my guilt.
