Her eyes glisten.
“We know Caleb and we love you too.”
I pull them both into my body, the water cascading all around us as I breathe them in. I hold them until Noah finally leans back.
“I think we need to make a promise that going forward we agree to always come home, and never go to sleep on an argument,” he says, his gaze flicking between Jessica and me.
Jessica wraps her arm around his waist. “I promise,” she says
“I promise too, and Noah, I really am sorry,” I say, my voice cracking again.
“Me too. I should have mentioned the letter.”
I shake my head. “No, you shouldn’t have.”
We’re at a stalemate, but we both concede when his lips curve into a small smile. “You sure as hell look sorry,” he says. “You look like shit. What did you drink last night” he asks.
My stomach rolls at the thought of alcohol.
Jessica rubs her hand up and down my back. “You were a fire hazard,” she says, stepping away to reach for the shower gel, and she squirts some into her palm.
“Tequila,” I reply, feeling green at the gills.
“That explains it,” she says as she begins to lather up my chest.
Noah reaches for the shower gel and moves behind me as they both cover me in suds.
I don’t deserve either of them and I know it.
“I’m just glad you were with friends,” Jessica says, warming my heart.
I smile at that. Yeah, me too. “You remember when I said I was worried about Avery if you were to have a girls’ night?”
She nods.
“Well, I take it back. I don’t think it’s Avery I need to be concerned about, it’s most definitely Octavia.”
They both laugh and just like that, just for this small moment in time, the world is right again.
Chapter Forty-Seven
NOAH
I left Jessica and Caleb sleeping. After Caleb woke up and we talked, we all spent the day together watching TV and enjoying the calm before the storm. Sleep evaded me most of the night, and although Jessica and Caleb were restless, they eventually succumbed. I think Caleb’s hangover and Jessica’s restless night yesterday probably played a part in that.
To be honest, Caleb finding that letter helped me verbalise some of my fears, it was an outlet I needed. The wedding kept us busy, but thoughts of my diagnosis and my surgery were never far from my mind.
Denial, fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, even a sense of isolation.
There’s stigma associated with breast cancer being a “women’s disease” and I felt that. I think it’s why I’ve found it harder to talk about. Wanting as few people to know about it as possible.
Jessica and Caleb don’t know, but I found an online forum. I’ve not actively participated in the discussions, but I’ve observed. It’s helped a little with the misconceptions and perceptions around male breast cancer.
In a roundabout way, it helped me feel less alone. I know I have Jessica and Caleb, their support isn’t in question, but these people, they understand. They’re going through the same thing, or have been through it.
It’s how I found out walking Aspen helps ease my anxiety, and here we are now, watching a sunrise. It’s so beautiful and tranquil, for a moment I find peace in the chaos. I just wish Caleb and Jessica were here to watch it with me.
Sitting on the bench, I stroke Aspen’s thick fur as she sits at my feet, content in my company.
