The audience hooted.
“I was fourteen and gay. What a nerve. The police picked me up, took me to the station and called my dad. Luckily, privet was growing in front of the building so I cut off some bits as we went past on the way home. I became quite an expert at secretive bush trimming.”
The audience was still with him, laughing, entertained, and Kaden was happy.
“I thought Sticky was a male until I spotted the eggs. A lot of them. Then my dad pointed out it was poo not potential babies. Anyone who wants to know how to tell the difference, see me later. I feel it’s an important life lesson.
“Stick insects kept as pets can live from nine to twelve months. Sadly, Sticky didn’t manage anywhere near that. He was with us for one month and one week of that he was dead. I had no idea. In my defence, they don’t move much. I’m going to check out that guy in the far corner before I leave.”
Kaden took a breath as the audience laughed. “Then Dad said yes, I could have sea monkeys. Anyone have those?”
A few hands waved.
“Artemia salina, brine shrimp, instant pets that hatch from dormant eggs when put in water. They’re marketed as low-maintenance, educational and fascinating. That’s true for a very short period of time. They only need a small tank. Great. The special food that they need comes with the eggs. Even better. They grow up to two centimetres long. That was a relief. Except it takes days before you can actually see them. Every day when I got home from school, I sat glued to the tank watching to see if I could spot any movement.”
More laughs.
“Then they grew. Hooray. Finally. I thought they were playing when they bit each other’s tails but apparently, they were having sex. Long trails of them were swimming round the tank, hanging onto each other. I was too young to find daisy-chaining interesting. I went right off them and they went where I suspect all sea monkeys go—down the toilet.”
His audience were laughing and nodding.
“Am I the only one who worries that one day when I’m swimming in the sea, I’ll be dragged into the deep by one of my abandoned pets that’s morphed into an enormous mutant creature? If you didn’t worry, you will now.”
When he finally came off stage, he got a big round of applause and there was a beer waiting for him on his friends’ table.
“Really good,” Danny told him.
“You’re getting better and better,” Ben said.
“Thanks.” Kaden thought he could have done more with Sticky. One thing he’d learned was that when an audience laughs, it’s like opening a gate. Once they’ve bought into the story you’re telling, you need to keep milking it.Oh well, next time.
“You couldn’t persuade Fuckhead to come?” Euan asked.
“I’ve finished with him.”
Three stunned faces turned his way.
“Bloody hell,” Ben said. “About time. Well done, mate.”
Kaden gulped his beer.
“How did he take it?” Euan asked.
“He said… I’ve been waiting for you to realise I’m not good enough for you. Have a happy life. I wish you nothing but the best.”
What?
Shut up, Joe.
“What did the bastard do?” Danny asked sharply. He was a lawyer and always saw through Kaden’s bullshit.
“Got a bit handsy. I broke his nose.”
Kaden could almost feel Joe preening.
Danny gasped and Ben applauded.
“Wow,” Euan said. “Good for you. You deserve better.” Euan patted his shoulder.
