Ground Man: Hey.
Me: Okay, I need the deets on your name.
Ground Man: It’s a nickname I’ve had since high school.
Me: So that isn’t your real name? Thank GOD. I don’t think I could move forward with you if that were the case.
Ground Man: Oh?
Me: I can’t imagine myself getting all hot and bothered, and being forced to say, “Oh, yes, Ground Man, don’t stop!” Just doesn’t roll off the tongue that well.
Ground Man: That’s fair.
Me: Why the secrecy over your name? Protecting your real identity?
Ground Man: Something like that. You don’t really have room to talk. Your name is Kale Kween.
Me: I like Kale. But that could be a real name, you know.
Ground Man: Give me one example of someone named Kale.
Ground Man: Ah, fuck. I just googled it. There are people named Kale. Who knew?
Me: I did. Obviously.
Ground Man: Your real name isn’t Kale.
Me: No.
Ground Man: You gonna share what it really is?
Me: Are you going to share yours?
Ground Man: No.
Me: Then I’m not either.
Ground Man: How are we supposed to see if you’ll really tell me not to stop if we don’t know each other’s names?
Me: I just won’t say yours. “Oh God, right there, don’t stop, yes!” See? It’s fine.
Ground Man: And what should I call you as I’m making you come?
Me: Baby works.
Ground Man: Alright, baby. Tell me something about yourself.
Me: How detailed are we getting? Careers, where we live, family things? Or should we keep it fairly simple and just talk about sex?
Ground Man: I have to admit, I like how straightforward you are. No details. Definitely nothing about careers or families. I’m only in town briefly, and I only make it back to Chicago a couple of times a year. This won’t go anywhere after this week. Are you good with that?
Me: I am. I’m also visiting. I rarely come to Chicago. Anything you recommend?
Ground Man: Navy Pier. Gotta see The Bean at least once in your life. The Skydeck is pretty cool, as long as you aren’t scared of heights. I like the Riverwalk. It’s cool for people watching. Tons of nightclubs, if that’s your scene.
Me: Eh. Not really. Maybe when I was in college. Now I’m too old to enjoy it.
Ground Man: Am I allowed to ask how old you are? Or is that too detailed?
