I looked down at my hands, suddenly ashamed of what I had asked of her. "Isdra, I don't knowwhat to say. You are a warrior, and my guardian, and my friend." My voice hitched, and tearswelled up. "I don't want to lose you too."
She sat silent.
"Besides," I tried to smile. "Who will raise Meara? Or the babe I hope to have? Who willteach them in the ways of the Plains besides you, Isdra?" I put my hand over hers. "My babewill be a child of both worlds and will need guidance in all ways." I hadn't thought of thatbefore, but it was true. Any child I bore would need a thea. In my mind, I could see Anna andIsdra arguing over some point of child-rearing in the castle nursery.
Isdra's hand moved to clasp mine. "There is that, Lara." Her face darkened. "And my Epor toavenge." She looked off, her eyes distant. "But there are many sunsets between now and then.
Many long moments of—" she cut her words off and stood, her face taut with sorrow. "I wouldtake my leave, Warprize."
I stood, and watched her take up her position outside by the fire, then I turned listlessly to plopdown on a stump, facing the tables with their various bottles and jars. The kavage was bitter inmy mouth. But the ache in my chest grew until the grief and the guilt welled up, and fat tearsstarted to fall, hard and fast.
I moved, pulled the flaps down and tied them closed. I had enough sense to wrap a strip of bellsin one of the ties. I wanted no visitors, well or ill.
Stumbling, I crossed to the stump furthest from the door, and sat down. Through my tears, Ireached for some cloths and buried my face in them. I didn't want anyone to hear, or know. Thematerial stifled my sobs, and I let go, releasing all the pain. I hunched over as my shouldersshook, and I cried.
I wanted Anna, wanted home, wanted Father. It was a true pain, deep in my chest, the longingto ran home. I should never have left those safe walls, never stumbled out on the road afterKeir. It was all my fault, all of it, and the pain of that truth cramped my heart and closed mythroat.
I pulled the cloths back just enough to suck in a deep breath, rocking a bit to ease my anguish.
But the pain and horror of Epor's final breath wouldn't let me go, and I pressed the damp clothsagainst my face and moaned.
Why had I insisted that I enter the village? Why had I let Epor and Isdra go with me? Myarrogance was to blame, for his death and all the others that lay burning in the ashes of thevillage.
It seemed as if nothing was right. Everything was tinged with a deep blackness, and I could seeno hope. There was despair everywhere I looked, or turned my head, and nothing I could dowould solve anything. In fact, my actions seemed only to make things worse.
Meara, that sweet child, almost lost to us in a breath, her cold toes in the palm of my hand.
Gils, oh, Gils, had I ever told him how proud I was of him? He'd collapsed at my feet,convulsing helplessly, and nothing in my power could save him. Oh, they'd been right to grantmercy, and maybe that was the only cure for my pain, for I knew of no other way to end mysorrow and grief.
All the dead, offered up in flames on the ruined village, hundreds of men and women. All takenby a disease that I was powerless to stop, for all the talk of my so-called skills of healing.
Now Iften was stronger, much stronger in his actions against change, for he had new support,including Joden.
For Joden had lost faith, in me, in Keir, in the elements themselves.
He wasn't going to call me Warprize any more.
My stomach clenched in a knot and I swallowed hard. I'd complained about everyone using thetitle but Joden had been one of the first to call me that after Keir claimed me. For him torenounce me hurt terribly. And I'd poured out all my petty fears and problems in Joden's,exposing myself to him. How would he use that? To hurt Keir? To hurt me? And Keir…
A decimated army, his warleaders turned against him, his plans for the future in ashes aroundus, I wouldn't blame Keir if he turned his back on me in anger. The depression crashed down onme and I pressed the sodden cloth even harder against my face and wailed.
Oh Goddess, why had I lied to him?
He'd never forgive me for that, never. How could he, in the face of the damage I'd done to hispeople?
To us?
There'd be consequences, seen and unseen. Nothing I could do would bring back my friends, orrepair the damage I'd created. I shook with sobs that I couldn't stop. I'd lied and everythinghad gone so very, very wrong…
It was the touch of a callused hand on mine, gently tugging the cloths away from my face thatbrought me back. I knew it was Keir even as he knelt by my side, by his touch, by the spicyscent of his skin. I couldn't look, couldn't raise my swollen eyes to his face. For I knew what Iwould see there, knew what I deserved. Anger, contempt—at the very least he'd hate me for allthat had happened.
I sat, shivering, trying to stop crying, looking at my lap where his hand covered mine. He saidnothing, and I tried to get my ragged breathing under control, to face the disgust that I'd see inthose wonderful blue eyes. If I was lucky he'd just go away and leave me to drown in mydespair.
But those strong fingers moved and lifted my chin and I raised my gaze to face my Warlord.
Chapter 12
What I found was understanding and love in those bright blue eyes.
