Maybe this weekend.
I stared at the message before I sent it, knowin’ exactly why I was doin’ it, and when I finally hit send, I laid back against the pillow and closed my eyes.
I knew if I ain’t start pullin’ myself together now, I wasn’t gon’ be able to shake Renza later. And the way that man had me feelin’… the way he touched me, loved on me, and had me laid up like I was really his…Yeah.
That wasn’t somethin’ I could just walk away from easy, and that’s exactly why I needed to.
Trill-Land, Jungle Estate
I was outside by the pool talkin’ to Pressure and ‘Lo, sittin’ back with my feet kicked out while the blunt burned slow between my fingers. For once I wasn’t sayin’ shit slick or jokin’ on ‘em about these niggas. I was just sittin’ here, thinkin’, and that alone had both of ‘em lookin’ at me like they already knew somethin’ was off.
It took me a minute to even open my mouth, and when I finally did, I had to shake my head first like I was tryna get my thoughts together.
“Man… I ain’t gon’ lie, this shit got me feelin’ weird as hell,” I said, lookin’ down at the ground before I took a pull and let the smoke sit in my chest a second.
“Yeah, you been quiet as fuck,” ‘Lo said, leanin’ back in his chair and watchin’ me close. “That ain’t like you.”
Pressure ain’t say nothin’ right away, but he was lookin’ at me the whole time, noddin’ slow like he already understood what I was tryna say before I even said it.
I let the smoke out and rubbed my jaw. “It’s just everythin’ at the same damn time,” I said. “Reni… that whole situation… then Sha’Nelle… I ain’t even expect shit to line up like this.”
Pressure shifted in his seat. “It never do,” he said. “But it still happen anyway.”
That made me glance at him, ’cause I already knew he wasn’t just talkin’ just to talk. He had been right here before, stuck between two women and tryna move like a man at the same time.
‘Lo shook his head, then looked at me. “I’m still stuck on the fact you let her go through with that abortion,” he said. “I ain’t even gon’ lie to you.”
I looked over at him quickt. “Nigga, not everybody be on the shit you be on,” I said, shakin’ my head. “You and this nigga act like every time y’all breathe on a woman she supposed to end up pregnant.”
Pressure let out a low laugh. “Nigga, what the fuck you think God gave us dicks for?”
“Nah, y’all be wild,” I muttered.
I leaned forward, restin’ my elbows on my knees while I looked down at the ground again. “I just ain’t been feelin’ right ever since watchin’ Reni go through that abortion though,” I admitted, rubbin’ my jaw again. “That shit been sittin’ on me ’cause I could tell she ain’t really wanna do it for real.”
That made it go quiet for a second, and when Pressure spoke again, his voice was calm but it hit. “But you ain’t try to stop her either,” he said. “So somewhere in you… you ain’t want the baby.”
I looked up at him and held his gaze for a second. I couldn’t even argue with that
That truth just sat there between us, and I ran my hand over my face like I was tryna wipe that truth off me, but it wasn’t goin’ nowhere.
“We don’t even believe in that shit,” I said after a minute, leanin’ back in my chair. “You know how we was raised. That ain’t never been somethin’ we played with.”
Pressure ain’t say nothin’, but I could tell he was listenin’.
I rubbed my face again and looked off for a second before speakin’ again. “So sittin’ there watchin’ her go through that, knowin’ that was my child… I’on know.”
‘Lo nodded this time, hearin’ me for real now. “I get that,” he said. “But at the same time, Reni ain’t somebody you tryna build with for real.”
I sighed. “I’m already knowin’, but I can’t just brush her off what I just went through with her.”
I paused, thinkin’ about them few days I was over there.
I had really been sittin’ there with her through all of it. A nigga wasn’t just poppin’ in and out, checkin’ on her and keepin’ it pushin’. I was really there while she was goin’ through it. I had watched her body fold in on itself from them cramps, watched her try to play strong and then end up layin’ on me anyway when the pain got too real. And every time she reached for me, I let her.
I ain’t even question it, ’cause I already knew why she was doin’ it. She needed somethin’ to hold on to, and whether me and her was good or not, that part ain’t matter in that moment. I couldn’t just leave her in that shit when I knew I was the reason, and I expressed that to my cousins, hopin’ they would at feel part of where I was comin’ from.
Pressure nodded slow. “That’s real.”
