I stopped reachin’ the same way, and stopped bein’ so available ’cause I had to protect myself before I got too deep in somethin’ I couldn’t control.
“Bitch, I’m tellin’ you right now, that baby probably ain’t even his,” Toni said in my ear, talkin’ loud like she always do while I laid across my mama’s bed starin’ up at the ceilin’.
I rolled my eyes a lil’, shakin’ my head. “I don’t know, bitch,” I said, lettin’ out a laugh. “Fuckin’ with that nigga, I had to get a Plan B while he was out here.”
Toni laughed so hard I had to pull the phone away for a second. “You stupid as hell,” she said, still laughin’. “But see, that’s what I’m sayin’. At least Renza one of them niggas that let you do what you wanna do with yo’ body, ’cause Pressure would’ve been on Pluto ass if she even thought about takin’ a Plan B.”
I smiled at that, shakin’ my head. “Ain’t that crazy?”
“Bitch, yes,” she said quick. “I stay fuckin’ with her about that.”
“Girl, please,” I said, laughin’ a lil’ more now. “Yo’ nigga ain’t no better. Don’t act like Kay’Lo ain’t almost turned the house upside down when he found them birth control pills.”
Toni sucked her teeth playfully, but she was laughin’ too. “Okay, but that’s different.”
“It ain’t different,” I said, still smilin’. “They all the same damn way.”
We kept talkin’ for a minute, goin’ back and forth like we always did, and for a second it felt normal, like I wasn’t sittin’ here thinkin’ about that man every five minutes. But Toni got quiet after a while, and I already knew she was about to say somethin’ real.
“That is kinda crazy though,” she said. “Like Renza don’t even think like them for real.”
I shrugged, starin’ at the ceilin’ again. “Maybe he don’t want kids like that,” I said, keepin’ my tone light.
Toni paused before she asked, “So if y’all was really together… would you want a baby with him?”
I let out a light breath, thinkin’ about it for a second, and the crazy part was that ain’t even been on my mind.
“I got feelings for him,” I said slowly, “but a baby? That ain’t even crossed my mind. That’s exactly why I swallowed that Plan B so quick… without no water bitch.”
She laughed again, and I did too, but once the conversation died down and she told me she had to go ’cause Kay’Lo had just walked in, that quiet came right back.
I heard that lil’ smackin’ sound through the phone like he kissed her, and I smiled without even meanin’ to. “Tell my cousin I said hey,” I said.
“I got you. He about to go to Pressure’s.”
My heart did this lil’ weird flip ’cause Renza came to my mind but I ain’t say nothin’ about it. I just told her cool and we got off the phone.
After that, it was just me in the room again, layin’ here with my thoughts, and they ain’t give me no break.
I looked around my mama’s room, remindin’ myself that I was still here, still layin’ low and not back in my own space yet. Gettin’ shot had changed me more than I liked to admit, and even though I tried to play it off, that shit had me movin’ different. And then on top of that, all them niggas just disappeared like they ain’t never existed.
Their families was on the news cryin’ and beggin’ for answers, and every time I saw it, I had to look away, ’cause I knew what happened. I knew who did it, and as crazy as it sounded, I felt safer because of it.
That alone should’ve been enough for me to just… stay down and not question nothin’, bit certain feelin’s just don’t work like that.
I grabbed my phone and unlocked it, scrollin’ without really lookin’ at nothin’ until I ended up right where I always did.
My thumb hovered over Renza’s name for a second, and I told myself real simple… if he answer, that’s my answer. If he don’t, that’s my answer too.
I pressed call and held the phone to my ear, listenin’ while it rang, and I tried not to think too much about it, but I couldn’t help it. Every second that passed felt longer than it should’ve, and when the call finally stopped without him pickin’ up, I just sat here for a second, lookin’ at the screen. That shit hit me, but I ain’t let it sit too long.
I took a breath, locked my phone, then unlocked it again and went to Couture’s message, ’cause he had been hittin’ me up ever since he got back, askin’ when he could see me.
I had been avoidin’ it, and not ’cause I ain’t like him, but because I already knew where my head was at, and it wasn’t fair to him.
At the same time, it wasn’t fair to me to just sit here waitin’ on a nigga that was over another woman’s house either.
So I typed back…
