Then later, we walked her through this garden with colorful flowers, butterflies and lil’ fountains splashin’ water up from the ground. My’Love laughed so hard every time the water popped up near her shoes. Kay’Lo kept liftin’ her high in his arms while she squealed and grabbed at his chain, kickin’ her feet every time the water splashed again.
After that, we went out to eat again, and Kay’Lo ordered enough food to feed an entire table by himself like he always did. He kept slidin’ food on my plate while My’Love sat in her highchair smackin’ mashed potatoes all over her bib and throwin’ crackers on the floor every chance she got.
For a lil’ while, life actually felt good again. Me, Kay’Lo, and My’Love had spent the last couple days laughin’, eatin’, walkin’ around with our baby, and just enjoyin’ each other without all the extra noise around us. It felt peaceful.
But now we was here…
Kay’Lo finally parked the truck, and my stomach tightened the second I looked ahead and spotted my mama’s grave a few rows over. I looked down at the flowers in my lap for a second before slowly unbucklin’ my seatbelt.
Kay’Lo glanced over at me, and one thing about him, he always knew when to leave me alone with my thoughts. He ain’t start askin’ questions or tellin’ me it was gon’ be okay. Instead, he just reached over and rubbed his hand across my thigh before gettin’ out to grab My’Love from the backseat. Then he opened my door.
I walked ahead of them with the flowers in my hand, and every step started feelin’ heavier the closer I got to her grave.
When I finally stopped in front of it, I just stood there lookin’ down at my mama’s name for a second ’cause no matter how many years passed, seein’ it carved in stone still didn’t feel real to me.
I crouched and carefully removed the old flowers before settin’ the new ones down nice and neat. My hands stayed fixin’ them even after they already looked fine, ’cause honestly, I ain’t know what else to do with myself in that moment.
For a while, I ain’t say nothin’.
I just stared at her name while memories kept hittin’ me one after another.
My mama worked hard every day. She used to wake up early in the mornin’, fix my hair, make sure I had clean clothes for school, and somehow still made me feel taken care of even when we ain’t really have much. Then one day she left for work like it was any other mornin’ and never made it back home.
I was only a lil’ girl when it happened, but everything in my life shifted after that. Nothin’ felt the same no more.
Sometimes I really believed my life would’ve turned out completely different if my mama had lived ’cause I knew deepdown inside she would’ve protected me. She would’ve never let me go through the shit I ended up goin’ through after she died.
All them nights I got touched on and ignored by people who should’ve protected me never would’ve happened if my mama was still alive. I believed that shit with my whole heart.
My eyes started burnin’, and I pressed my lips together while I tried to hold myself ’cause I really ain’t wanna cry out here.
Behind me, I heard My’Love makin’ noises against Kay’Lo’s chest, and after a second, I turned around toward them.
Kay’Lo was already lookin’ at me quietly while holdin’ our daughter close. My’Love looked so small in his arms, all warm and comfortable against him, and suddenly I felt emotion hit me even harder than before.
I reached for my baby, and soon as Kay’Lo handed her over, I hugged My’Love tight against my chest and kissed her soft lips.
She melted right into me immediately.
That almost broke me, ’cause I used to be that little girl who needed somebody to hold me like this. I used to be the little girl wishin’ somebody would save me, protect me, and make her feel safe after my mama died.
Now I was standin’ here holdin’ my own daughter while my husband stood behind me, lovin’ us both.
Life felt so different now that sometimes it overwhelmed me.
I tightened my arms around My’Love and rested my cheek against the top of her head while emotion climbed all through my chest. I never thought I would become somebody’s wife, and I definitely never thought I would become somebody’s mama either.
Standin’ here holdin’ my daughter while starin’ at my mama grave made me realize just how important it was for me to keep lovin’ and protectin’ My’Love the way I needed somebody to protect me.
At the same time, I wished my mama could see this version of me. I wished she could meet my baby. I wished she could see that despite everything I survived, I still found love somehow.
Kay’Lo stepped up behind me and wrapped both his arms around my waist while I held My’Love. He lowered his head and kissed my shoulder. Neither of us said nothin’ for a while.
We just stood together while the wind moved through the cemetery, and My’Love rested against my chest all sleepy and warm.
That silence between me and Kay’Lo didn’t feel empty, though. It felt full of understandin’, love, and everything he knew how to say without actually speakin’.
After a while, I looked back down at my mama’s grave and swallowed hard before speakin’ soft.
