“I’m not frightened of anything,” he told her firmly. “I’m allowing rationality to return, that’s all. I should never have let it leave, but since I did, the least I can do now is focus on how best to put things right. I can’t stay here. Not when you and I are clearly both given to such unpredictable behavior. That kiss is a perfect example. That should never have happened, and I had so many opportunities to stop myself, but I never did it. I allowed myself to be distracted, won over by your charms and my desireto be near to you. The only thing I can do now to protect us both is to ensure that I’m not near to you any longer. I have to make sure we keep our distance from one another from now on.”
“I can’t believe you would actually do this,” Prudence said quietly. “I can’t believe you are actually planning to leave. We’ve come so far, Leonard. We’ve made such progress, learning how to live with one another, to care for one another. I don’t pretend it hasn’t been a bit of a trial at times, but surely you can admit that things between the two of us have been good lately. They’ve just gotten good. And now you want to tear it all down.” She hesitated. “This is because of what I told you, isn’t it? That I told Peter to run from our marriage instead of going through with it. You’re punishing me for that.”
“I’m not punishing you.”
“You are. Why else would you have changed your mind all of a sudden about how to handle things between the two of us? Why would you be leaving when you and I both know you had decided to stay? This is the only thing that’s different.”
“I’m not saying it wasn’t a factor,” he told her, looking her in the eye for the first time since she had come into the room. “Of course, it was. And a significant one. I’m in shock that you did such a thing, Prudence. You may not have intended to force my hand—I believe that you didn’t—but you couldn’t have failed to realize that I would be affected by what you had done. Even if I hadn’t offered to marry you, it was always going to have a significant impact on the two of us. It would have brought shame on both me and Peter if the marriage that we had planned hadfailed. You didn’t consider that.” He held up a hand. “You’re going to say that I didn’t consider what you wanted either, and maybe you’re right.”
It was true, of course—she would have said that. She waited, watching and listening to see what he would say next.
“The fact that we’re willing to take these actions without considering each other… that should tell us something,” he said. “It should tell us that we are a danger to each other, and we’re better off apart. I feel strong enough to take that step now for both of our sakes, so that’s what I’m going to do, and I’m afraid I won’t be talked out of it.”
“So, you’re just going to leave me here on my own?” she protested hotly.
“You’ll be perfectly fine. All your needs will be seen to.”
“Yes, and what if I do something you wouldn’t approve of? I might, you know. I do that sort of thing fairly regularly,” she pointed out. “What if sneak into town in the garb of a young man again? Aren’t you afraid that I might misbehave if you don’t stay? Doesn’t it worry you to think that you might receive a telegram letting you know that I’ve done something of which you would not approve?”
“I’m sure you’ll try,” he said, smiling faintly. The smile didn’t reach his eyes, and she felt more distant from him than she ever had before. Where was the man she had shared so many laughswith? This man didn’t look as if he had ever laughed about anything before in his life.
“Yes,” he went on. “I’m sure you’ll do all you can to be disruptive in hopes of luring me back here, but I wouldn’t count on any of it being effective. I’ve made up my mind, Prudence. I’ve decided that this is for the best, and I’m going to go. Nothing you can do or say is going to stop me, and nothing you can say will bring me back, either. If you make irresponsible choices, I may worry, but ultimately, what I do now is intended to separate myself from you so that you may do these things without my life and my reputation being on the line.”
“So, it doesn’t matter what I do as long as it doesn’t touch your reputation. I don’t know why I’m surprised by that,” Prudence said. “You’ve told me over and over that that’s the way you feel. Your reputation comes before anything else.”
“And yet you haven’t heard me,” he said. “It’s my fault because in spite of my own certainty about it, I know that Ihavegiven you mixed messages. But that ends now. Once I’m gone, you’ll be able to move on with your life.” He sighed. “Prudence, I know you aren’t ready to hear this right now, but I really am making this decision for your sake.”
“I believe you think that,” she said heavily. “I believe you think you’re entitled to make decisions for my sake. It’s just so sad because you seem to understand that I shouldn’t be making choices onyourbehalf. I don’t know why you can’t understand that that goes both ways. I hope someday you’ll be able to comprehend that. But I suppose that day is not today.” Sheturned in a slow circle, taking in the trunks all around her. “You’re really going, then?”
“I really am.”
“And there’s truly nothing I can say to stop you?”
“There’s nothing.”
“Then I suppose I won’t waste either of our time.” She found it hard to speak around the lump in her throat.
He swallowed hard. “I don’t need to leave right away,” he said. “Perhaps you’d like to have one last breakfast together before we go?”
“What would be the point in that?” she asked him, looking away. She couldn’t bear the thought of eye contact right now. “We ate meals together in hopes of getting to know one another better. That’s not going to happen now that you’re leaving, so what’s the point in pretending? I know I don’t want to. You may as well just go as soon as you can get your things together. I have nothing else I need to say to you.”
She turned and hurried back up the stairs she’d just descended, anxious to be away from him.
The moment he was out of her sight, she regretted running away so quickly. She stood with her back against the wall, breathing deeply and trying to stop herself from crying. That man didn’tdeserve her tears, and she wouldn’t waste them on him. Not after everything he had done. Not after he had forced her into this marriage, led her to believe there was a real possibility for some sort of affection between them, and then turned against her at the drop of a hat.
And why? Because I dared to return his feelings? Because I care for him, and I allowed him to see it? He as good as told me that that was the reason. He said that he was so worried about being distracted by our feelings for one another that he had to get away—that we could never allow ourselves to be around each other again. That’s really what the problem is in his mind.
So what was she to do? Beg him to stay? She had too much pride to do any such thing.
No, it was good that she’d run from him when she had. It was good that she had decided to put up a wall because he was certainly going to do that if she gave him the chance to, and she didn’t want to let him have that She didn’t want to sit back and wait for him to be the one to pull away.
He might be going to the country, but he’ll leave knowing that I drew back from him before he could abandon me.
She went to her room, closed the door, and lay down on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. The bed was still warm. It was less than thirty minutes ago that she had left it. For a moment, it felt as though she could step back in time to when she had been lying here, before she had gotten up—before she had realized that her life was about to fall apart right in front of her.
If only she could somehow do that. If only she could step back a moment in time, maybe she would be able to recover the bond she had somehow lost with Leonard.
I don’t want him, though. Not if he’s going to be like this. I don’t want to have to fight for every moment we spend together. I don’t want to have to be grateful for every scrap of his care and attention.
