Now she’s just confused, and slightly perturbed. “Then why? Why aren’t you going, Jackson?”
With a forlorn sigh, Jackson lets his gaze find Wendy’s questioning stare. She cares about him, but that changes nothing at this time. “Because,” his eyes warm as tears began to fill them, “I may have promised to try, genuinely try, to see myself in a better light. To not let the past stain the future I want with them. It doesn’t change the fact I am a broken man, Wendy. Until I can feel less shattered without them. Without running away. I don’t deserve to be with them. I don’t deserve to lo-”
Jackson’s voice catches in his throat, he blinks hard to keep the tears away. He takes a shuddering inhale, he refuses to cry in front of Wendy now, even if she wouldn’t dream of judging him for it.
“Oh, Jackson.” Wendy’s expression softens, her coffee cup lowered to the desk. She reaches a hand out towards him. “I’m sor-”
He stops her, clasping her hand between his. “It’s fine. I’m…I’ll be alright.”
Jackson lets go of Wendy’s hand, dropping into his chair with a heavy sigh. “May I ask you to set up a bi-weekly appointment with a therapist? I don’t trust myself to not keep putting it off. If I am to seriously work on myself, I need to face the darkest parts of me head on. I cannot do it alone, nor will I drag any of my friends into it. I need a professional, and maybe someday I can allow myself to let them in more.”
Wendy wants to argue, no longer caring about the ball. She knows what it would mean if Jackson did go. It would mean he was letting himself becared for by other people, intimately and for the realms to see. It would mean letting himself be truly happy, no longer burdened by a past even she didn’t fully know. She knew he lost someone he loved once, and carried that guilt with him for decades since. This is not something she could or should force.
“Do you know if your old therapist would still be active? I know it’s been a while but better the devil you know they say.”
Jackson waves her away, “Potentially. I’ll send you the name if you can handle the rest. I just need to focus on the tasks on hand. Thank you, Wendy.”
Wendy wants to do more, but even as amazing as she is at her job, this is beyond her. “Anything I can do to help, Jackson. If you’ll excuse me.” She bows out of the room, leaving Jackson with his thoughts, sniffling.
There is no nagging voice, nothing taunting him for his choices. He had grown fond of Eddie and Hakeem. In fact, he wants nothing more than to go to the ball. For all to see the men who had become his peace and dance in their arms till the world crumbled away. The more he yearned to go, the more the void in him threatened to grow. That evening could end in one of two ways. Either the three of them would be together, or Jackson would lose control for the last time and nothing would stop them from seeing him as a monster.
It’s thoughts like those that prove that Jackson isn’t ready for that kind of commitment. Whether it be guilt or fear holding him back, Jackson doesn’t want Eddie and Hakeem’s first date to be ruined by his presence. It would be for the best if he just stayed away for the time being. It’s safe at the apartment, he doesn’t have to put on an act, exhausting himself for the sake of reputation and standing. This doesn’t mean losing them, it meant making sure he didn’t.
Live your life well, for both of us.
Shit, it wasn’t a taunting voice that haunted Jackson. It was the final words of the man he once loved. Why were Ravi’s words coming to him now? He can’t stop the tears overflowing. He wants to go, to be happy. Is he truly allowed to? Could he truly permit himself?
Jackson wipes his tears with his sleeve. He just needs to get better, to be better before he can be worthy of them.
You already are, and I cannot wait for you to see that for yourself.
Now Eddie’s voice from the night they fixed the grimoire dance in his mind. His firm gaze, unwavering kindness and grounding presence.
Never forget how I see you.
Hakeem’s voice resonates sweetly in his heart. The undeniable honesty and adoration that laced his words settles deep within.
Chapter 25
The next week passes in a blur. Jackson had told Eddie and Hakeem he wouldn’t be going and saw the disappointment in their eyes, hidden behind sad smiles. They didn’t press, they didn’t push. All that was said was if he changed his mind to let them know.
Jackson helps Hakeem practice his waltz, under the scrutinizing eyes of Charlie. It’s awkward and messy, their eyes can hardly hold each other’s gaze as they practice. “At the risk of sounding petulant, shouldn’t Eddie be doing this, Charlie? He is Hakeem’s date after all.” Jackson doesn’t mind helping. In fact, he relishes every moment he can lead Hakeem in a dance across their living room. If he won’t allow himself to go with them to the ball, this would be the next best thing.
Hakeem is pressed up to him, letting out an adorable squeak whenever he messes up, wrapping Jackson around his finger further.
“Eddie is busy when I’m free to help,” says Charlie, who appears as a slender person with pale skin today, hair cascading to just past their shoulders, wearing a tank top and yoga pants, “I find it easier to teach when I have two bodies to conduct and you just so happen to be available, Mr. Nocturne.”
“It’s just Jackson, please.”
“My apologies, now again. 1,2,3 and 1,2,3.”
Jackson leans in close as they practice, “Why didn’t you ask me or Eddieto teach you in the first place?” He whispers into Hakeem’s ear.
Hakeem looks up to him, eyes catching the light, “I wanted to impress you both. I didn’t want either of you to get sick of dancing with me before the ball.”
Jackson chokes on a sound of surprise, swallowing around a suddenly dry throat. There is no conceivable universe in which Jackson could respond to that without sounding completely and utterly enamored.
Jackson is doomed.
