Ryan had the decency to look embarrassed by that statement. Anna just smiled and nodded at him to continue.
“The crucial part for me was, if I showed up to work drunk or hungover, I got in shit. The boss was a hardass, but a fair one. Kind of like my soccer coach. Finally, I had the structure I needed, and a goal. That helped me turn things around and the rest is history.”
Still seated in his lap, without a care to what anyone else in the diner might be thinking, Anna laid her head on Ryan’s shoulder. “I am truly sorry you had to give up your dream…” Anna hesitated, unsure if what she was about to say would be too much. “But a part of me is selfishly happy. If you were playing soccer right now, instead of working at the pub, we never would have met. You have changed my life, Ryan. You are helping me find my way out of a really dark place, just like Jake did for you. For that, I’ll always be grateful.”
* * *
The solemn tone of Anna’s voice held Ryan in place. She was right, without his knee injury, he never would have started the bar with Jake, and he never would have met Anna. Suddenly he was faced with the realization that what had always been the darkest part of his life, might actually have a silver lining. But closing in fast on the heels of that thought came all his familiar worries. Was he too much like his dad to ever love a woman without causing them pain? Could he take the risk of hurting Anna, just because he selfishly wanted to be with her? In that instant Ryan knew he had to tell her everything. He had shared so much, more than he ever had with anyone outside of his family and Jake. Anna deserved it all, especially if there was to be any hope of a future.
“Anna, you need to know that telling you all of this today was not exactly what I had planned. Hell, I never thought I would let myself get close enough to anyone to tell them about my past. You’re special sweetheart. This, what we have, is special.” He took in a deep breath and encouraged by the smile spreading over her face continued, “Which is why I’m scared shitless. When I said I don’t do relationships, I meant it. I never thought I would let myself fall for someone, because I knew I would hurt them eventually.”
The soft touch of Anna’s hand on his face almost broke his resolve to finish. He could tell she wanted to interrupt, so he forged on through and said, “My entire life I’ve heard how much I look like my dad and my grandfather. The stories about theIrish charmof the Carlisle men were so ingrained in me, that when I was old enough to be interested in girls, I figured I had to live up to the name. I was such a jerk to girls. The problem is, I also grew up seeing the shitty side of that charm. I watched my dad cheat on my mom so many times. He’d yell at her for some random reason, storm out, and then come back the next day smelling of stale perfume. For years, my mom put up with it. Then, when I was ten, he left for good and didn’t come back.”
Ryan shifted in his seat, but kept his arms around Anna. She was his anchor, the only reason he could find the courage to voice the fears that had held him back from love his entire life. “It was better after he left. But Mom was stuck trying to raise two wild boys on her own, as well as deal with the breakdown of her shitty marriage. There were so many nights I could hear her crying herself to sleep. She would look at me sometimes, and I would see the pain she felt seeing my dad reflected back at her. Then, when I was a sixteen-year-old dumbass, I stood up my girlfriend on our one-month anniversary to go and play soccer with some guys. I thought nothing of it until the next day when all her friends yelled at me during lunch. When I realized that even a stupid teenage romance could hurt, I decided never to commit to a woman again. Keep it casual, make that clear from the beginning, and no one can get hurt.”
A weight lifted from Ryan’s shoulders just by finally saying those words to someone. Still, before he could let Anna reply, there was one more thing he had to say. “Here’s the thing, Anna. You came along, out of nowhere, and turned everything I believed upside down. Suddenly I want a relationship, with you. I’m just so scared I’ll hurt you.” When he finished, Ryan found himself overcome with nerves. How would she react?
The silence stretched between them, as he searched Anna’s face for some idea of how she was feeling. Anna was looking down at their laps, her lower lip pulled between her teeth. He desperately wanted to tug it free and kiss her, just to feel their physical connection holding strong.
After what felt like eternity, she looked up at him. Her eyes held a look of concern, but Ryan was hopeful that what he saw glimmering in their depths was a desire to be together.
“I didn’t come to Portland looking for a relationship. I was escaping one. You know I have been hurt before, I don’t want to be hurt again,” she said softly.
Ryan’s heart dropped at Anna’s words. He started to move away, to let her get off his lap and leave. But she surprised him by wrapping her arms around his shoulders, pulling him back into their embrace.
“I’m not finished, Ryan, so wipe that mopey look off your face.”
Her voice was so fierce, it was adorable. Ryan smiled as hope began to bloom.
Keeping her eyes on his, she went on, “Here’s the thing. You think that you are no good at relationships, but that’s not what you’ve shown me. These past few weeks you have been romantic, protective, caring, and respectful—all the qualities I would want in a boyfriend. I don’t want to be hurt, and I don’t think you will hurt me. So, like I said yesterday, I’m in if you’re in.”
Ryan grinned. He had told her everything. All the dark pieces of his past were laid out in front of Anna, and she still wanted to be with him. He pulled her toward him and crushed her mouth to his. Pouring his feeling into the kiss, he vowed to himself that he would do every damn thing possible to never let Anna be hurt by himself, or anyone else, ever again.
* * *
Reluctant to leave each other’s side after the emotions shared between them, Anna and Ryan slowly wandered back to her house after lunch. There they had to part ways for the evening, as Anna was going to her neighbor’s house to hear more about her Aunt Theresa, and Ryan had plans with his mom and brother.
As he stood on Anna’s steps, Ryan simply stared at her for a moment. This incredible woman was rewriting every negative belief he had ever held about himself. Even so, the force of her kindness and understanding didn’t quite erase all of his fears and doubts that he would one day hurt her. He knew she sensed his hesitation when he saw the curious and—damn it—guarded look in her eyes. This was what he was worried about. Anna was already doubting him, doubting his ability to fully be in this relationship. He cursed to himself, angry that he might have revealed too much, too soon.
“Sweetheart, I…”
“Ryan…”
They both laughed awkwardly. Ryan gestured for Anna to continue.
“Ryan, it means so much to me that you trusted me enough to tell me everything. I honestly don’t believe you would ever hurt me on purpose, but I can see you’re still nervous. No amount of words I say will convince you that this can work. I don’t want to deny what’s between us, but maybe we should take things more slowly.”
His heart plummeted at her words. But he knew she was right. He was still nervous, so rushing headlong into his first serious relationship probably wasn’t a wise choice. Especially not with someone as important to him as Anna had quickly become. Breathing deeply to slow his racing thoughts, he tried to respond.
“I understand. I really don’t want to mess this up. I’m not going anywhere, but if you want to go slowly, we will. Please don’t give up on me, okay?” He was embarrassed by the pleading sound of his voice, but knew he was speaking from his heart.
“Of course I won’t, silly.” Anna cupped his cheeks, smiling up at him. “And slowing down doesn’t mean moving backward. So, any time you want to repeat this morning’s fun… Well, you know where to find me.”
Ryan groaned at the thought of Anna writhing in bed beneath him, and growled in response. “Fuck, Anna, you have no idea how much I want to do that right now. If I wasn’t worried that your neighbor was peeking through her curtains next door waiting for me to leave, I’d take you right here right now.”
Anna laughed, then squirmed as Ryan pressed her into his body, showing her just how ready he was to make good on his offer. Her gasp at the feel of his hard cock between them was just what he hoped to hear. Kissing her firmly on the lips, he pulled away before he let things go too far.
“I’ll see you soon, Anna.”
