Breathing deeply, Ryan pulled his arms even tighter around Anna’s shoulders. She shifted in her sleep, letting out a soft hum of contentment. He closed his eyes, and let his conscious mind slip into a daydream. He could see himself in the future, walking hand in hand with Anna. Samson was bounding on ahead of them, chasing after a small child. Now that was a crazy thought. Ryan had never in his life thought of himself as parent material, but with someone like Anna, someone kind, loving, and patient. Maybe being a dad wouldn’t be such a terrible idea.
Lost in his thoughts Ryan didn’t notice Anna waking up until she slid her lithe body all the way on top of him. He opened his eyes to see her smiling sleepily down at him before she pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose.
He rumbled a low laugh at the adorable gesture. “Well now. That’s a damn fine sight to see. You draped over me like a blanket, and the most beautiful smile on your face. I could get used to that.”
A nervous look came over her face, as she tugged her lower lip in between her teeth. Her voice was hesitant, but hopeful when she stuttered, “Well, maybe getting used to it wouldn’t be so hard? You’re here a lot anyway, so I was thinking, do you maybe want to…”
She sat up suddenly, bringing her sex directly over his hardening cock. Somehow Ryan knew she didn’t notice that, as her face grew serious and, adorably, more nervous. Trying to appear unaffected by their position, Ryan folded his arms behind his head.
“God, why is this so hard to say?”
“There’s nothing you could tell me that I don’t want to hear, sweetheart. Just say it. Do I want to… I guarantee the answer is yes.” Ryan’s teasing was rewarded by a laugh from his sweet woman.
“Doyouwanttohaveakeytomyhouse?” Anna said quickly, before looking down, and drawing idle circles on his chest with her finger.
Ryan sensed the importance of what she was asking. This was more than just a key. This was about Anna placing her trust in him, letting him into her home and her life. He knew she was still scared about her past catching up, and he knew he should be more concerned about why that was. This moment, however, was about seeing her take control of her happiness, and the realization that she felt confident and secure in their relationship, made his heart swell.
“I’d love a key, Anna.” His voice was solemn, and he hoped she could see how genuinely touched he was by her offer. Her answering smile was all he needed to see, before he surged upward, pulling her into his embrace with a passionate kiss. As she rubbed against his body, he let out a guttural moan. She responded by shifting slightly and reaching her hand down to grasp his cock. Slowly, Anna worked him with her hand, never letting their lips come apart.
Ryan could feel his arousal building quickly under Anna’s touch. She affected him in every possible way, making his heart yearn for more. Then, like a bucket of ice water being dumped over his head, Ryan was jolted out of the moment by his deep-seated doubts. Who was he to deserve her trust and love? What did he possibly have to offer in return? What if he turned out just like his father, how could he live with himself if he ever hurt Anna the way his dad had hurt his mom?
Ryan broke free from their kiss with a groan. He needed some space to figure himself out, even if leaving Anna was the last thing he wanted to do. He pushed her hands away, ignoring the hurt look on her face. Climbing out of bed, he avoided her gaze as he searched the floor for his clothes. “Sorry, Anna, I forgot, I need to meet Jake for inventory. I’ll call you later, okay?”
He pressed a fast kiss to her face before walking out of the bedroom, leaving her still wrapped in her sheets. He felt like a total asshole walking out on her like this, but knew that if he tried to explain, he would only hurt her more by confiding his fears and indecision. No, leaving her now was the right choice. He just hoped she would understand later.
After a quick, cold shower at home, Ryan wrapped a towel around his waist and headed to his closet to get some clean clothes. His mind was still full of confusing emotions. On the drive home from Anna’s house, the commitment apparent in her offer, combined with his whispered admission of love struck him with the force of a semi-truck. How the hell did it get this far? Ryan Carlisle, falling in love and accepting a key to a woman’s home.
He sank down onto his bed, still dripping from his shower. Absentmindedly he tugged the towel tighter, rubbing the tops of his legs.What the fuck am I doing? I can’t hurt her.No, he would never hurt Anna. Would he? Ryan wanted desperately to believe he would never hurt the one woman who had come to mean more to him than anyone else outside of his own family and Jake. But could he ever guarantee that? The weight of his past, his father’s mistakes all came crashing down onto his heart. Ryan had lived with the fear of turning out like his dad for so long, it was a heavy load to try and shake off. Still, if ever there was a woman who deserved the best of what Ryan could offer, it was Anna. She could be the woman to chase away his demons, if Ryan could only trust in himself to let her.
Chapter 15
Several hours later, Ryan found himself sweating in the storage room of The Lucky Strike, as he and Jake completed their weekly inventory. He was so consumed by his conflicting emotions from the previous twenty-four hours, he didn’t notice Jake’s mounting frustration until his voice pierced his thoughts.
“Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you! That’s the third time you’ve put a case of Frog River in the wrong spot,” Jake cried.
Ryan jolted into awareness at the exasperation in his friend’s voice. “Shit. I’m sorry.” He quickly moved the offending keg into its correct position before slumping down to sit on the floor.
Jake’s face morphed from frustrated to concerned in a heartbeat. He sat down beside Ryan, turned to his friend, and asked, “What’s going on man?”
Ryan sighed, and leaned his head back so he could stare at the ceiling. He still hadn’t fully processed his thoughts, and now the layer of guilt over how he had left Anna this morning rested on top of his chaotic feelings of self-doubt.
“Anna offered me a key. A fucking key. I’ve never had a key to a woman’s place before, hell I’ve never been to a woman’s place as many times as I have to hers. We even do our laundry together, dude, laundry. My boxers are mixed in with her thongs. It’s domestic. I love it and I’m terrified of it.” Ryan paused, breathing heavily at the force of his confession. After a moment he continued, “I’m falling in love with her, Jake. It’s only been a few weeks, but you know this is the longest committed relationship I’ve ever had. I find myself imagining the rest of my life with her, but at the same time, I can’t shake this feeling that I’m not cut out for forever.”
Jake looked thoughtfully at Ryan for a moment before he responded, “First of all, get your head out of your ass. You are being a moron, Ry, and I say that with love. Longest relationship? Bullshit. You and I have been friends for over a decade. You have known Callie for almost a year. You’re committed to us, you care about us, right? No, you aren’t doing our laundry, because that would just be creepy. But we see you all the time, and you have never let us down. So why would Anna be any different?” Jake slugged him in the shoulder, then crossed his arms on top of his knees and spoke the words that Ryan so desperately wanted to believe. “When are you going to realize, you are not your dad. I know you won’t cheat on her, you’re not going to leave, and you would never hurt her on purpose. That’s not who you are. Look, I get that it’s scary. Trusting yourself and trusting someone else is fucking terrifying. But it is so goddamn worth it.”
Jake paused and Ryan could feel the weight and solemnity of his words slowly sink in. However, the urge to disagree, to not believe his friend, was still strong.
“I know you’re right, Jake, but—”
“I wasn’t finished,” Jake interrupted. “Love is like bungee jumping. Scary, exhilarating, life changing. You’re about to jump off the ledge, and Anna is your rope. You just need to trust the rope.”
Silence stretched between them as Ryan absorbed all that Jake was implying. Maybe the root of his fears went farther than just his similarities to his dad.Maybe I don’t trust anyone not to hurt me, just as much as I don’t trust myself not to hurt them.With that sobering thought hanging in the front of his mind, Ryan pushed himself to his feet.
“Thanks, Jake. I hear where you’re coming from.”
Jake followed slowly, looking closely at Ryan, gauging his reaction. “You hear me, but do you believe me?”
Ryan finally met Jake’s gaze and nodded. “Yeah, I’m starting to. She’s worth it man, I’ll do whatever it takes to keep her happy.”
