I felt sick to my stomach and my head began to swim. All of the intrigue and desire and curiosity about continuing on with this foolishness suddenly vanished, dampened by a guilt so heavy that it was crushing my lungs.
I needed to get out of here.
Without so much as a word to either my friends or the Professor at the podium, I grabbed my things and ran out of class.
Hallways and classrooms blurred past me as I made my way out of the building. I felt hot all over, itchy in my palms. I needed to do something that would get my mind to shut up for even just a little bit. I needed a break from myself.
Today would’ve been an excellent day for one of Coach Hayes’s sadistic training sessions. Still, the gym was open twenty-four seven; I knew that I could go there and workout on my own.
I redirected my steps and didn’t even bother stopping at the dorms to change first.
*
I lost count of the number of reps I cranked out on the rowing machine. What I did know was that I was pushing my body beyond any limit I’d run up against before. I felt it everywhere; in the ache of my back muscles and quads and the pressure I was putting on the joints of my knees as I repeated the explosive movement over and over again.
Sweat dripped down my face, matting flyaways to my skin, and my breathing was coming out in raspy huffs.
But still, I pushed.
My motivation veered from mere distraction to an odd form of self-punishment. The nausea I’d been pushing down reared up again, the corners of my vision began to darken and I knew that I was on the verge of passing out.
“Hey, stop!” I felt a hand on my back and let go of the handbar in shock, the weights at the back of the machine dropping with a loud clang as the stack of weights hit the stopper.
I was panting, all the uncomfortable physical sensations of exhaustion hitting me at once as I turned to look at the stranger who’d stopped me. Only to discover that it wasn’t a stranger at all.
Oren’s dark blue eyes were filled with concern as he handed me an unopened bottle of water from one of the vending machines nearby. “Here. You look like you need this more than I do.”
I was too mentally out of it to even decline the offer and immediately started drinking.
Once I’d downed half of it, I shakily climbed off the machine and just sat on the floor, leaning over with my elbows on my thighs.
“Are you alright?”
I finally looked up to acknowledge him, shame and embarrassment vying for the emotion of the moment. “Yeah. I’m okay.”
I tried handing the bottle back to him, not knowing what else to do and he shook his head. “Keep it. Look, Miss Price, I don't think it’s a good idea for you to be pushing yourself this hard.”
“It’s nothing,” I insisted, giving myself another minute or two before I would force myself to get up again. “I’m just training for the derby that’s coming up. The first round is this weekend, actually.”
He folded his arms across his chest, that expression of concern still fixed on his face. “I understand that, and I genuinely admire your dedication to your sport. But you have limits. Your final exams are also coming up soon and you won’t be able to give it your best if you’re exhausting yourself beforehand. I know how important this last year is to you, and the impact that you want to make. You can’t do that if you’re driving yourself to death in the gym.”
There was nothing in his voice but soft kindness, and somehow it just made me feel even more shitty. I’d fucked two of his friends, two of my professors all within the span of a few months. I’d put my future and their reputations on the line and for what?
I didn’t deserve any kindness from Oren at all. I was selfish, reckless, dumb.
I felt tears prick my eyes and blinked them away, looking down so he wouldn’t see.
“I am happy I got to bump into you now, though. I have some good news,” he said. When I was sure I was no longer at risk of crying, I looked up again. “Do you recall that I mentioned I have a friend who works with Muller & Co.’s recruiters? Well, I’ve managed to set up a meeting for you. It’s some time next week but there should be enough time for you to—”
“I can’t do it,” I said bluntly, cutting him off. My voice was deadpan but inside was nothing but chaos. “I’m sorry. Thank you for going through all that effort for me but I can’t do it.”
Oren frowned, looking confused. “But… I thought that you’d be ecstatic at the news. Isn’t this what you wanted?”
My legs were still semi shaky as I stood up and grabbed my bag. “Again, I’m sorry.”
I couldn’t bring myself to say anything else and stormed off to the dorms, wishing I could just run away from everything. I felt bad about rejecting Oren’s effort to help me but there was no way I could accept it in good faith.
Hell, I probably wouldn’t even be able to focus if I’d taken him up on it. I didn’t know how I was going to regain my focus at all any time soon.
