“June, are you okay?” asked Lucas.
I lifted my head and looked at the three of them. Oren was silent, blue eyes pensive and waiting. Lucas looked concerned, his hand reaching under the table again to hold mine. And Ronan, well, he just looked curious. Almost as though he had anidea that something else was going on and was waiting for me to finally come out with it.
“There’s something I need to tell you guys and it can’t wait any longer,” I said. There was a lull of expectant silence, every muscle in my body tense with nerves, my throat wanting to close up and swallow the words that I knew I had to say.
But I said them anyway.
16
~
June
It seriously felt like I’d lived this same scenario over a million times since the semester started; me, nervously meeting up with someone at an off-campus venue. I was doing that yet again, and this time to speak to Lucas upon his request. He’d selected a pool bar which made for a nice change of pace, though the choice of location didn’t exactly do much to ease my anxiety.
He, as usual, arrived first. My heart skipped a beat when I saw him at the bar area. He’d opted for a casual outfit consisting of jeans and a T-shirt that fit more snugly around his large biceps and shoulders. His dark hair was messy, as though he’d been running his fingers through it. Which, I’d picked up over the last few months, was something he did when he was deep in thought or distracted.
I was reminded again just how attracted I was to him.
“Hey,” I said, sounding unbearably awkward to my own ears.
“Hey,” he repeated. “Have a seat.”
I slid onto the stool next to him, ordering a soda. I did not trust myself with alcohol, based on previous experience.
“You can relax, you know,” he said, propping his elbows onto the counter.
“Let me guess, you don’t bite?” I asked, injecting the tiniest hint of humor into the question.
His mouth curled into a smile and I instantly felt relieved. This was good. This was almost like old times again. He wasn’t upset with me.
“I just… I thought that you’d be pissed,” I confessed. “I really wasn’t expecting you to reach out to me after what I told you at the lunch meeting.”
He shrugged. “We never made anything official. It’s not like you cheated on me.”
“That’s true but I also wasn’t being the most transparent. You guys are friends, in retrospect I probably should’ve said something before I let things get that far,” I said. “I actually tried to keep things platonic. I really did, although I didn’t exactly try my hardest. Clearly.”
He snorted at that, taking a sip of his drink. “I’ll say.”
“It’s just…” I wished that I could be half as articulate right now as I was when I was talking about urban planning or my future goals. I could drone on for hours without taking a breath or stuttering. My thoughts translated so easily, but now I was left mute. Struck dumb, not sure how to express what I was feeling. “I was attracted to all three of you.”
“I suppose you’ve surmised by now that the sentiment is mutual?” he asked.
I pressed my tongue to my cheek, not quite able to acknowledge that.
“Look, June, I called you here because I just want to know what you’re thinking. Yeah, your confession caught me off-guard. It wasn’t exactly something I expected you to say and I’d be lying if I claimed that knowing you have feelings for Oren and Ronan didn’t make me feel less than enthused.”
“I have feelings for you too,” I admitted reluctantly. “I wish I could explain what exactly I was thinking but the truth is that I wasn't thinking at all.”
“And going forward? What exactly is it that you want from all this?” he pressed.
“I don’t know,” I sighed, feeling almost defeated. “I just know that I don’t regret what I did. I enjoyed my time with every one of you and that’s part of what kills me. The guilt, it’s eating me up alive. Even though I know it’s wrong, I can’t get rid of those feelings despite the risk of acting on them.”
“I don’t care about the risk, June,” he said, leaning in close enough for our knees to just barely touch. Sparks lit up the point of contact. As usual, he smelled so good. And his dark eyes were honest, so open as though they were begging me for something. “I meant what I said about not wanting to stop whatever is happening between us. And we can do it. We just have to keep this a secret until you graduate. After that, it really becomes no one else’s business.”
There was that spark of passion and hunger again, the very thing that drew me into Lucas’s world right at the start. But I didn’t think he truly understood what I was trying to say. It wasn’t just us that I was worried about, or what the repercussions might be if we continued on with a relationship.
The bitter, ugly, selfish truth was that I wasn’t sure I wanted to stop seeing Oren and Ronan either. Just a few days ago, I’d been completely fine with the idea of entertaining all three of them. But after their show of support and faith in me at the lunch, I’d only begun to realize now that maybe this was more serious than I’d intended for it to go.
