I told myself I was going to keep him at arm’s length until he figured out the difference between fixing and owning.I told myself I’d let my head lead.
My head is very loud.My heart is louder.Tonight, my heart wins by a landslide.
If I have twelve hours left of making my own choices, I want to spend as many minutes as possible with the only person on this planet who makes me feel like I’m still whole.I want his hands on my back and his mouth on my throat and the particular sound he makes when he stops thinking about right and wrong and just lets himself be a man who wants me.
I sit on the bed and breathe the way I taught Belinda to do before piano recitals.In for four.Hold for four.Out for eight.Again.The shakes soften.The edges of the room stop blurring.
Tomorrow I will be whatever a woman has to be to save a child.
Tonight I will be a woman who lets herself hold the man she loves because love is the only thing that has ever made her feel like she wasn’t just a tool someone else picked up for his own use.
I stand.I check my face in the mirror and say out loud, because saying it makes it real, and I want real tonight.
“I love him.”
My last night as a free woman will be spent the way I choose—wrapped in the only arms that have ever felt like a home no man can steal, memorizing the face I love so I can carry it with me where I am going.
Tomorrow, I will become a bargaining chip to save a child I love.
Tonight, I will be Dani.
My phone buzzes with a text from Hawk.He was thinking about me too!
I’ve got a medical appointment reserved at 2 in Austin.It’s for you.It’s elective.If you say no, we cancel and go get something to eat.If you say yes, I drive and keep my mouth shut until you want it open.Your call.
What the hell is he talking about?I text him back.
What kind of appointment?
The dots move…
Genetic testing.HD.Counselor on site.Private entry, no waiting room hell.No pressure.
He has some nerve.And in the middle of all this.
Don’t book things for me without asking.
The dots again…
You’re right.I’m sorry.I wanted the option.That’s all.
I pause then.He’s thinking of me, trying to take my mind off all my troubles.All his troubles.And I want to spend the next twelve hours with him anyway.Why not get the stupid blood test?At least then I’ll know for sure what Hawk wants to pretend doesn’t exist.
Pick me up at 1:15.Don’t be late.
I stare at the dress, wanting to tear it into shreds for about a half hour.
Then I call Hawk.
