He nods. “That simple. You shouldn’t have had to tell me that. I see that now. But if you don’t want me near her, I'll stay far away.”
“Just like that?” I balk at him.
“Of course. I should have set the boundary without you saying it.” He pauses before continuing, “Baby, I know I’ve messed up, but I promise you, you speak up to me about your discomfort, and I will listen.”
I let that settle, feeling a little uneasy.
“Um, thank you.” I pause, preparing myself for what I’m about to say. “I realize now, I expected you to see things, to know how I felt about areas of our life I never spoke up about. I … I should have trusted you to listen. That doesn’t make what you did okay, but I played a part in the silence between us.”
“Thank you. But I should have looked closer too.”
Feeling uncomfortable in the direction of the conversation, I look back at my list.
“Okay, that takes us to the next agenda item.” I brace myself, not wanting to hear this. “Why?”
“Why what, baby?”
“Why did you give Holly the money from our account?”
Sam was expecting this question; it was attached to the calendar invite, but I can still see the pain in his eyes. “I didn’t think you’d leave. I thought …” Sam falters before continuing, “I thought … no matter what I did, you’d still be there.”
“More than that, why was Holly’s dream more important than mine?”
Sam leans in, eyes focused on me. “It didn’t start with the money; it started with her car accident.”
22
SAM
“Giving away $75,000 started with an accident fifteen years ago? Please, do explain,” Becca retorts, crossing her arms. I see the walls building back up immediately.
I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the possibility of making things worse, not better.
“As you know, Holly was in a car accident when she was fifteen. Our parents were at a fundraising event in Portland. I had a football game. Holly had just made the cheer squad. I brought her to the game and was supposed to take her home afterward. We won a major rivalry against Mountain High. Our QB, Evan, was throwing a bonfire at his house that night to celebrate. I texted Holly to get a ride home with the neighbor, Mrs. Smith. She had plenty of times before. She gave me a thumbs up.”
I take a deep breath to settle myself before continuing.
“I was at the bonfire, reliving the highlights of the game, when I got a call from an unknown number. I almost didn’t answer it, but when I did, it was Mandy. She was hysterical, talking about broken glass everywhere, bleeding, Holly notresponding, and that I had to get to St. Sebastian’s hospital right away.
“I drove at record speed and rushed through the hospital doors, trying to find her room. What I saw …” I close my eyes, trying to unsee the image burned in my brain. “Was Holly, machines attached to every surface of her body, swollen face, doctors working around her, and a hysterical Mandy and her dad.
“I never told you about this, I hate talking about the accident, as you can imagine.” I blow out a breath, looking up to gather my thoughts. Becca patiently waits for me to continue, not rushing me.
“Turns out when I texted Holly to get a ride home with the Smiths, she read it out loud. Mandy told her she would be happy to take her home, and Holly jumped on it. Holly doesn’t remember the accident, but Mandy says that she swerved to hit a deer and went off the road into the ditch.”
I pause, looking away for a moment, “Mandy says, but I have never let myself fully question that until now. With her Dad cutting her off now … something doesn’t seem right.” I look back at Becca, getting back on track. “If I had taken her home, she would have never lost a year of her life in high school. I was too damn selfish, only wanting to hang out with my friends instead of taking care of my sister.
“Once I got there, I had to call my parents. It took them four and a half hours to make the drive, and I hardly blinked, staring at Holly’s monitors, trying to get them to make sense. When Dad saw her for the first time, I could tell something inside of him broke. He looked at me and said, ‘Where were you, son? Why weren’t you there for your sister?’
“Once I explained the situation, that she was supposed to ride home with the neighbors, Dad shook his head likehe was disgusted with me. He said, ‘if you had been there, made her the priority like she should have been, she wouldn’t be here.’”
Becca’s jaw drops slightly, then she quickly composes herself, nodding for me to continue. I rub my eyes with my thumbs and drop my head, breathing through the painful memories.
“So, I was there. I quit the rest of the football season and visited her every day after school until she got out. By the time baseball season came around, she practically pushed me away to go to practice. But I helped her with her physical therapy exercises. It was my senior year, and I felt horrible about going to U of O. She saw me on Cascadia Community College’s website one day and lit into me about it.
“I came home for the weekend after her sixteenth birthday. She was healed and thriving in many ways. When I brought up getting her license, she froze. She never got behind the wheel unless Mom, Dad, or I was driving. I spent the summer home from freshman year, giving her driving lessons daily. She got her license on her first try and is the best driver I know.
“But still today, she won’t take an Uber or let someone drive her if she doesn’t fully trust them. Taking her to the doctor’s appointment? I didn’t want to share her fears, but Holly’s car was in the shop, and Mandy was going to drive, and she started hyperventilating. She texted me if I could go, and I just went.”
