“So,” he says, “about all the brand names...are these favorites of hers? Are there any stories that tie them to their courtship?”
“Their courtship! I love everything about you! It’s easy to see why Celestia is so excited about your song. Can I trust you?”
J answers yes, and tries to keep a question mark of the end.
“And you’ve returned your NDA?”
J can answer a firmer yes to that.
Mikhail’s voice lowers to a whisper. “Well, this is so exciting...but really you can’t tell anyone.” (J has a feeling Mikhail has said this to many people before.) “Celestia’s event was already going to be the wedding of the year. But what her public doesn’t know is that for the past three months, she’s been recording the new season of—” (here, Mikhail mentions a reality TV franchise that revolves around the girlfriends of rich men) “—and the wedding is really going to be the season’s centerpiece. A lot of extraordinary, visionary brands are on board, and those are the brands reflected on Celestia’s list.”
J has encountered people who’ve wanted their favorite things in their wedding songs before, but this is starting to sound uncomfortably like product placement.
“So I can’t sub in another brand if it rhymes better?” he asks.
“Ha! Just be sure to get us the song by next Tuesday; Celestia’s approval process usually takes a week, but with the wedding, we’ll want ten days. She needs to approve all lyrics, as I’m sure you understand. And then we’ll see you for the run-through on the twelfth.”
J doesn’t remember a run-through being mentioned in the contract, but perhaps it was buried in there between the translation rights and the streaming royalties. Considering his fee, a run-through certainly makes sense.
“I’ll be there,” J says, in a tone that is perhaps not quite a match for the wedding of the year.
“Oh! And please be sure to send me your measurements, as precisely as possible. Celestia is a very visual person, you know! Let me know if you need anything else,” Mikhail says. “I’ll get back to you about the toaster!”
J gets back to Mikhail about the measurements, but Mikhail does not get back to him about the toaster. And J has five days to write the most expensive song of his career.
He tries to convince himself that these are brands Celestia likes, that he is not selling out by taking on the burden of her wedding’s corporate sponsorship. The principle doesn’t entirely sit right, but neither does the principle of being paid only $0.003 when someone listens to your song.
Since he’s been given a list, the best way to go seems to be a list song. The greatest of all list songs being Cole Porter’s “You’re the Top” (which also featured a brand name or two). J figures if he’s going to crib, he might as well crib from the best.
He also thinks it will help to be really, really stoned.
So he takes the necessary measures and starts drafting a song from the list. At first, it’s mostly gibberish, with long breaks for him to contemplate his phone and why V isn’t calling. But slowly a song starts to take shape...
Oodles of poodles
Look up from their noodles
When they see you passing by
Whether Pepper or Salty
Their perception’s not faulty
To see love tinting the sky
It’s New York fashion
To speak of your passion
There can be no wondering why...
You’re a Balenciaga ball gown
You’re a Hermès tie
You’re a Prada feather
Gucci leather
