“Need me to show you the way home?”
When I don’t answer this, Jasmine leans back and takes a breath. There’s a long silence. Then she says, “Maybe it’s time you and I finally talk. You can’t avoid it forever.”
I say nothing.
“Why won’t you just say it?”
I don’t want to have this conversation. But maybe she’s right. Maybe avoiding it is only making it worse. “Because I’m not ready to believe it,” I admit.
“Believe what?”
“That you’re gone, too.”
The words echo through me. I never thought I’d say it out loud. Jasmine stares at me for a moment. Then she leans forward and says, “I’m right here…”
“No, you’re not.” I shake my head. “You’re not here at all. You left just like Daniel did.” There’s a pain in my throat, making it hard to speak. “Why did you have to leave me? I don’t have anyone left.”
Jasmine takes my face in her hands and says, “I’m so sorry, Eric. For leaving you this way. You know that was the last thing I wanted to do. To have you go through this alone. I can’t imagine all the pain you’re going through. I know it seems unfair, losing the people you love. Losing me.” She wipes a tear from my cheek. “But I need you to remember that you didn’t lose everything. It may be hard to see now, but there is so much left for you in the world. So much to live for still. All the people who love you. You just have to let them in. You have a whole life ahead of you. Even if I’m not in it.”
“But I don’t want you to go,” I say.
Jasmine takes my hands, holding them tight. “You have every right to go through this your own way. Even if that means living inside your head, pretending everything is alright. But you can’t keep it bottled up forever. There comes a time when you have to look around you and face what’s real. And I think it’s time now.”
I take this in. “It’s easier to pretend…”
“I know it is,” Jasmine says. “That’s why I left those letters for you. So we can always stay in touch. Why haven’t you read them yet?”
“Because I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
“That reading them will make it more real,” I manage to say.
Jasmine puts her arms around me. She wipes my tears off again. “I understand that. But I think it’s time for you to read them now.”
I swallow my breath.
“Promise me, okay?”
Tears are swelling behind my eyes. “I promise.”
“I want you to do one more thing for me now,” she says.
“What is it?”
Jasmine leans back, taking my face in her hands again. Her voice is strangely calm when she says, “I need you to wake up and go home…”
At first, I don’t know what she means. Before I can say something, the night suddenly fades around me, blurring my vision. All I hear is Jasmine’s voice, filling the spaces of my head as everything goes dark again.
I need you to wake up and go home…
I open my eyes and find myself alone on the bench.It’s still dark out. My hands are cold as I push myself up slowly, holding in a shiver. I glance at the other side of the bench. The blanket of snow is untouched, as if no one had sat there. My breath turns to mist in front of me. How long have I been asleep out here? I stare at the bench for a long moment. Then I rise to my feet, slowly making my way to the train station.
I head straight to my roomwhen I get home. Everything is exactly as I left it this morning. I remember my conversation with Jasmine. I think it’s time I keep my promise. I turn on a single desk lamp, opening one of the drawers. The letters are all there, folded inside white envelopes with a flower embossed in the top corner. My name and the date appear oneach one in Jasmine’s handwriting. I’m sorry I put this off for so long. But it’s always better late than never. I take a seat on the bed, finally ready to read them.
Dear Eric,
If you’re reading this, I guess it means we didn’t get our miracle. I’m sorry to start it off this way. I wish I could be there instead, sitting next to you. Sometimes life gives us battles that we end up losing. As much as we try to fight through it. I promise you I fought my hardest, okay? But this letter isn’t meant to be about apologies or what could have been. The last thing I want is for you to be sad when you read this. That’s not why I’m writing to you. I want to leave something behind that will give you a piece of joy. Something for you to look forward to, especially in the moments you’re feeling down. Think of it as my way of popping into the world, just to say hi. That way I’m not completely gone, okay?
