“What the hell are you doing?” I whisper, knowing that even in a hotel this nice, the walls aren’tthatthick.
“What amIdoing? What areyoudoing? Sitting with fuckingLindholmon the plane? Pretending you don’t even know me? What the fuck is that?” Ethan, I notice, doesn’t seem to feel the need to whisper.
I stare at him, mouth open.
“Is that not exactly what you wanted? We’re just friends, right? I’m trying to be just friends.”
“That’s not…that isn’t what I meant and you know it.”
I know fucking nothing.
“I think you were pretty clear, Ethan.Nothing to it, right?”
Oh, shit. Now I sound bitter. I take a deep breath.
“JesusChrist, Jamie. It’s not like it was adecisionor whatever. I just… I just didn’t know what to do, what to say. It seemed like the best way to just make it go away, you know?”
I do know. And if I weren’t part of theithe was trying to make go away, I’d almost understand.
“Look, Ethan. This is my fault. We went from hooking up casually to…whatever we were really quickly.”
“Were? What the fuck do youmean, were?”
I know the man’s played hockey for nearly thirty years, but he cannot possibly have received enough head injuries to make himthisstupid.
“Ethan, you wanted this to go away quietly. I’m going away quietly.”
“I didn’t wantyouto go away. I wanted…I wanted a second to think. To plan. I didn’t want to come out in response to some dumb asshole fromThe Neutral Zonewho lucked out with some kid’s Instagram photos from the park. But I didn’t want you to go.”
This hurts. I know what I’m doing is right, for him and for me. But I don’twantto.
“Ethan, you’re just a few years out from retirement. Then you can do it how you always planned, yeah? I really think youwill. But it’s not gonna be now and it’s not gonna be because of me.”
He swipes a hand across his eyes, sopping up dampness with his sleeve. He turns away quickly, heading over to the dresser and grabbing his phone.
For a second, I’m confused. Then I realize.
“Ethan, what are you doing?”
His thumbs fly over the keyboard.
“If it’s you or not you, I’m gonna pick you, ok Jamie? Give me a second.”
I lunge for the phone, grabbing it before he can realize what I’m doing. I’m relieved when I see the post hasn’t sent. I lock the phone and put it in my back pocket.
“What, so you just get to make all the decisions? Unless…unless you don’t want to…?”
He looks at me, eyes watery and afraid. It would be so easy. Just tell him I was in it for the sex, and it could be done for good. But I can’t.
I raise a hand to his cheek, missing the scratch of his beard.
“No, Ethan. It’s not that.”
“Thenwhat? How can I fix this?”
“I told you about how I came out, yeah? It was…it was terrible, ok? And I know right now you’re in flight or fight mode and your brain still can’t decide which one to do. But I can’t have you making a decision like this under stress like this.”
His eyes plead with me.
