“Can you imagine? You have boyfriend no one knows about andthat'show they find out? Because he objects to Sarah Gentry trying to find you a wife?”
I snort at that, the image so ridiculous it gets through my self-pitying frame of mind.
“I think...I think people don'twantto know, Alexei. So they don't ask, just in case one day I decide I want to tell them.”
He presses his lips together, looking out the window. At first, I wait for a response, but none seems to be coming. Instead, I stand next to him, looking out at the sun setting over the Twin Cities skyline.
“Doyou want to tell them?”
Well, if that isn't the question that's been running through my mind for the past eight days.
I acknowledge that I wasn't in a good place when I opened Instagram during that fight, that coming out then, like that, would have been a disaster both personally and professionally.
But the more I think about it, the more I realize it might also have been...a relief? As much as I argued with Alexei over the wordliar, I know deep down that'sexactlywhat I've been doing. Lying about myself to every single person I know, keeping them at arm's length in case they discover the truth.
And it's exhausting.
As terrifying as it was for Jamie to learn the truth back in September, it was also freeing. To know there was at least one person in the world who liked me – or, at the time, hated me – for entirely true and valid reasons. One person whoknewme.
I look at Alexei, thinking back to tellinghimin that restaurant over Christmas, and then to him knowing not only about me, but also about me and Jamie. To have my best friend in the world know it all andstillwant to be my best friend.
“Yeah. I want people to know. I want to stop lying.”
He brings his arms around me, hugging my stiff body to him until the stiffness leaves, until I settle into the hug and bring my own arms up and around his waist.
“Well, then. I think we need a plan.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
JAMIE
Staying awayfrom Ethan for the two weeks leading up to the All Star Break is harder than I thought it would be. Yeah, the prospect of regular sex has been great. But I find it's in the downtimes that I miss him the most – the long hours spent on planes and the evenings in hotels on the road.
For a moment, I consider asking him if we can just go back to the way we were in November – watching film together, sharing book recommendations...
...and then I remember what the book recommendations led to and remind myself why that's not a possibility.
What makes it harder is knowing that if I asked, he'd say yes. If I text, he'll respond. If I call, he'll answer. I'm doing this to myself, and I'm doing it to him, and a lot of the time, I can't seem to remember why.
Then I'll get a Google Alert about that fucking article – or one of the seemingly thousands of think pieces that have followed it – and Iremember. No matter what it felt like over Christmas, he isn't in this the same way I am.
I schedule an emergency session with Jeff, hoping that he’ll have an easy answer. Of course, it doesn’t work that way. He encourages me to speak with Ethan, to tell him how I’m really feeling. But I just don’t have it in me to hear that this didn’t mean to him what it had meant to me.
Worst of all, it's definitely impacting our play. Or, if I'm being honest,myplay. It's almost as bad as it was during training camp when we couldn't connect on a single pass, except this time it's on me.I'mthe one trying to pretend he doesn't exist. And every time it happens, I can feel the eyes turning toward me – Coach's, the press. Even worse, Ethan's – big and sad, a puppy asking his owner why we can't go out and play.
If there's one bright spot in all of this, it's that I've finally gotten to know the rest of the team better. In the hours on the plane playing cards with the boys, I've realized how trulywelcomedI am here. Even as the bottom has fallen out of my play, they've patted my back and offered to distract me with Smash Bros and cards.
It's on one of these nights, squished onto a hotel bed between Sutter and Matty, that the All Star Game comes up.
“Did you see that Michaelson is out for the All Star Game? Lower body injury.”
Somehow, Matthews manages this while simultaneously destroying me on the screen.
Nate scoffs.
“Oh please, the only lower body injury he's gonna be nursing is from having too much sex in Puerto Vallarta.”
Thatcertainly gets my attention.
