“I used to play with him in Pennsylvania. Wife's a doctor, and every year she would take off the entire week of All Star Break for some...alone time. With their schedules, it was the only time they really got to spend together during the season. I bet he waspissedto be picked.”
I know that plenty of players feel this way – that the week away from the ice is far more important to them than being selected for a game that is more about media than anything else. Still, maybe it's the rookie in me, but I thought it sounded...fun.
“Dude, I still can't believe they pickedTremblay. I mean, he's fine, but have they even seen you skate?” Matty says this distractedly, unaware of the impact his words have on me.
Well, this is certainly awkward. I know Sutter is one of the assistant captains, so I'm certainly not going to shit talk Ethan in front of him. Besides, it's nothisfault the NHL has their head up their ass.
“Maybe they could foresee this slide I'm having.”
Nate pauses the game, almost unheard of with these two.
“You know that's not true, right J? That this isn't because you weren't good enough?”
I realize that, while the thought has been going through my head for the past week and a half, this is the first time I've heard someone else say it out loud.
“I mean, he's having a great season. They can't just take forwards from every team – someone's gotta defend the goal.”
This is all true. Matty is having none of it.
“Dude, last year's score was 10-6. I'm pretty sure they don't need or want defensemen. This is just because you’re gay, you know that, right?”
The thought has certainly crossed my mind. Hell, it set up camp and hasn't really left since. Still, Ethan is their captain, and I don't know how to say I deserved it without sounding like he doesn't. I settle for a shrug.
Nate looks at me, squinting just a bit.
“Is this why you and Ethan fought?”
Well, shit. These guys have let me adhere myself to their sides for the past ten days and, other than that first day, they've asked no questions about why I'm suddenly their shadow. Apparently that luck couldn't hold.
“We didn't fight.”
They look at each other, then back at me.
“It's not that we haven't really enjoyed getting to know you more...” Sutter starts.
“...but you and Ethan have been in one another's pockets since, like, Thanksgiving.”
“CanadianThanksgiving.”
They look back to me, and I can feel the awkwardness of the silence surrounding us.
“It's like I told you last week. After that article dropped, he and his agent thought it would be better if he...took a step back. That's all.”
Matty is instantly on my side.
“Well, that's dumb as fuck. I really thought he'd decided not to be a dickhead anymore, but clearly I was wrong.”
Nate, on the other hand, is quiet. Almost...pensive? A crease forms in his forehead and he shows no sign of picking up his controller again.
“No, hewasdifferent.Sodifferent. I've played with the guy for four years and worn the A for three and I'veneverseen him so much as have a full conversation with anyone other than Kovalenko, at least not off the ice. But you came along and suddenly he's having film watch parties and reading books and making plays and I just don't get it. What happened?”
I wish I could tell you.
And for the first time, I realize - Idowish I could tell them. When Ethan and I were...whatever we were...it never really felt like Iwantedto tell someone. I knew he was closeted and the point hadn't really come where that chafed. I know Avery was certain that it would, someday, but I was happy to keep our little secret together.
Now, I feel the rub, the confining strictures of Ethan's status. Iwantto ask Nate if he means it, if Ethan really is different with me. Want to tell Matthews that I appreciate him calling out the homophobia, and wonder aloud what the NHL would do if they knew about Ethan, whether it really would be the end of the world ashe's always thought. Whether it would be selfish to push him into that.
Instead, I bottle all that up, pushing it down inside of me.
