I let out a laugh, nearly choking on it because that’s the last thing I felt like when I met him. I was broken and beaten down, afraid to live, but he saw me far differently than I saw myself.
“I know I can do this,” I reassure not only him but myself. “It’s just that…” I stop, not wanting to put words to all my thoughts. Sean doesn’t get a say in how this goes, but here I am worrying about it.
“Nope,” Kai quips, shaking his head.
He has the most perfect smile: straight white teeth with a panty-dropping smirk on his sun-kissed face. He’s the sunshine I needed when I came here. I just had no idea I’d find it in a person, though.
With that smile on display, he continues with his words of encouragement, reminding me that I’m doing this for myself and no one else. That I shouldn’t hold back, that I need to tell my truth, my story and live free of all the bullshit.
With his forehead resting against mine, his arms wrapped loosely around my waist, his whispers echo all the things I’ve longed to hear from someone I care about. Every word of encouragement, every soft, caring word, every quiet, unsaid “I love you”—I can feel it all.
“You know the questions. Nothing’s a surprise,” Kai reminds me, and I close my eyes, basking in the closeness of his body.
I want to tell him, but my words stay stuck, and all I can manage is, “Thank you.”
And that’s when Allie appears on the expansive front porch, calling out to us. She waves her arms, smiling, her deep red hair shining in the tropical sunshine.
“You coming in or what?” she calls out playfully.
I take in a calming breath, letting it out slowly, and Kai and I head up to the house.
Here goes nothing.
Walking up to the house, I can feel my hands begin to tremble, holding tight to Kai, but they still shake. I’m nervous as hell, emotional and scared. I’m still hurting and embarrassed, and doing this all so publicly isn’t something I’m used to, and there will definitely be tears.
Allie is welcoming, offering snacks and drinks before leading us over to where she has a whole makeshift studio set up.
“Ready to get started?” she asks, handing me a pair of headphones and motioning for Kai to sit just outside of where she has a camera set up too.
She explains that she uses a camera to record all her podcasts, using images and clips for promos, and it’s something I agreed to be a part of when I decided to do this. There are microphones and a large table with two chairs, and I take a seat.
Again, I take a deep breath as Allie’s team counts us down, and while I already know what she’s going to ask me, it doesn’t ease any of my anxiety.
Looking over at Kai, he smiles sweetly, and I feel my heart rate slow, finding comfort in him just being here.
“Hey, Little Liars,” Allie says, opening with her signature line. “Today we have Quinn English joining us, and if you’re not sure who she is, just give us a minute and you’ll be hooked.” Pausing, she indicates that she will be turning it over to me soon. “She’s the estranged soon-to-be ex-wife of Sean English, the lead singer of The Provocation. Welcome, Quinn.”
“Thanks for having me, Allie.”
“Why don’t we jump right in? Tell me, are the rumors true? Eleven million dollars? Remember, tell me no lies,” she prompts, and this is it.
This is it, my time to speak the truth, to let the world know what I was up against, and while there will always be people who disagree with my choices, I hope there are more who understand and sympathize with me.
“Simple answer,” I start, exhaling hard, because here it goes. “Yes. But it’s far more complicated. I never wanted to deal with the demise of my marriage so publicly, but that was taken from me when I married someone like Sean. I tried to disappear, moving to Hawaii, but this kind of shit follows you.”
It’s still hard to believe I married him, looking back on all of it now. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, and I hate that I didn’t see it from a million miles away.
“I was approached by his team when I filed for divorce and offered a large sum of money. It was the kind of money that would allow me to never have to work again. But when I turned it down, the number was upped.”
“Upped to what?” Allie questions, as if she doesn’t already know.
“Eleven million.”
“Well, holy shit. Please explain how someone turns down that kind of cash. It’s the kind of money that most people will never see in their lifetime.”
“Oh, for sure. And I know people think I’m crazy, but by taking the money, I would have had to sign over everything that ever happened during our relationship. All my experiences, my conversations, my life would be owned by Sean and his team. I would be silenced, never able to talk about over five years of my life.”
“So you were asked to sign a nondisclosure agreement?”
